Realized my SIL in "grey rocking" me

[Anonymous]

I gray rock my SILs. Not because I dislike them, but because I know they will use everything I tell them as fodder for family gossip. It’s not maliciously intended, it’s just how that whole family interacts, but I don’t like it and I refuse to partake or give them source material.

[Anonymous]

It actually sounds more like she just doesn't like you.

I grey rock my inlaws. I am dumb and cheerful, but reveal little. They don't really notice because they spend most of the time talking about themselves. I started because I found I'd be hurt that I could share something kind of big about myself, and they wouldn't remember it. And the next time it came up, they'd act surprised again. So, to keep myself from being hurt, I share almost nothing. I also do it to protect my kid's privacy. My SIL will share a screenshot of her DD's report card with the entire family. That is something I will never in a million years do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

You have to admit though that sil is rude and this would make holiday visits very uncomfortable. Op said that the family is small so put yourself in her place and imagine being ignored for an entire meal at a table with only 6 or so people. Her parents in law suck as they should call out sil for the rude behavior. I have a kid on spectrum and expect better behavior.

[Anonymous]

If she's truly grey rocking you than you should do some self reflection. I grey rock my mother because she's completely insane and can fly off the handle and become emotionally and verbally abusive at unpredictable intervals. To even be familiar with the term makes me suspect you are aware of how you may have contributed to this dynamic in the past as the only people I know who know this phrase are people with severely abusive relatives.

So either do some self examination or accept that she just doesn't want to be your BFF and talk to someone else in the room or scroll the internet if its just the two of you. This isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's truly grey rocking you than you should do some self reflection. I grey rock my mother because she's completely insane and can fly off the handle and become emotionally and verbally abusive at unpredictable intervals. To even be familiar with the term makes me suspect you are aware of how you may have contributed to this dynamic in the past as the only people I know who know this phrase are people with severely abusive relatives.

So either do some self examination or accept that she just doesn't want to be your BFF and talk to someone else in the room or scroll the internet if its just the two of you. This isn't that hard.

Ha! Scrolling the internet if the inlaws ignore you. I did that once, at my SILs house, because they were all ignoring me, no matter how hard I tried to engage in the conversations at the dinner table. The next day I got accused of behaving like I didn't want to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

You have to admit though that sil is rude and this would make holiday visits very uncomfortable. Op said that the family is small so put yourself in her place and imagine being ignored for an entire meal at a table with only 6 or so people. Her parents in law suck as they should call out sil for the rude behavior. I have a kid on spectrum and expect better behavior.

OK, SIL sounds rude. Can you admit that OP sounds pretty rude? Here’s OP in her own words:

”He definitely has fault in the dynamic. I’m sure I’ve given dirty looks and been snotty back in the early days. Once kids came along I tried to be more cautious with showing my annoyance with the behavior and just try to start new but she def holds a grudge. Her husband has said as much to my husband in a previous convo.”

No winners here. OP can, however, ***stop playing the game,*** which sounds like a better strategy than pushing and pushing and pushing for something that ain’t gonna happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's truly grey rocking you than you should do some self reflection. I grey rock my mother because she's completely insane and can fly off the handle and become emotionally and verbally abusive at unpredictable intervals. To even be familiar with the term makes me suspect you are aware of how you may have contributed to this dynamic in the past as the only people I know who know this phrase are people with severely abusive relatives.

So either do some self examination or accept that she just doesn't want to be your BFF and talk to someone else in the room or scroll the internet if its just the two of you. This isn't that hard.

Ha! Scrolling the internet if the inlaws ignore you. I did that once, at my SILs house, because they were all ignoring me, no matter how hard I tried to engage in the conversations at the dinner table. The next day I got accused of behaving like I didn't want to be there.

Your anecdote does not represent the full scope of reality, sorry to break it to you.

[Anonymous]

Op, I had never heard this term. Are you a gossip or a narcissist? It also could be that she just does not like you. ILs are not natural friends, some are great, others are just people we are somewhat forced to be with at the holidays and other celebratory events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the other people is BIL and yes agree my husband sucks for leaving mento deal with this alone. we've gone rounds about it multiple times. God forbid he upsets sister by calling her out. He has before and she stonewalled him.

“Called out” FOR WHAT? She doesn’t like you—not required to. She’s not interested in you—not required to be. She answers your questions. She’s giving you cues to leave her alone. LEAVE HER ALONE. Pretty freaking simple.

Talk to the others, bring a book or some knitting or a magazine or something. Get a hobby that isn’t being a slobbery Labrador chasing after a cat.

You have to admit though that sil is rude and this would make holiday visits very uncomfortable. Op said that the family is small so put yourself in her place and imagine being ignored for an entire meal at a table with only 6 or so people. Her parents in law suck as they should call out sil for the rude behavior. I have a kid on spectrum and expect better behavior.

OK, SIL sounds rude. Can you admit that OP sounds pretty rude? Here’s OP in her own words:

”He definitely has fault in the dynamic. I’m sure I’ve given dirty looks and been snotty back in the early days. Once kids came along I tried to be more cautious with showing my annoyance with the behavior and just try to start new but she def holds a grudge. Her husband has said as much to my husband in a previous convo.”

No winners here. OP can, however, ***stop playing the game,*** which sounds like a better strategy than pushing and pushing and pushing for something that ain’t gonna happen.

Yeah its funny, advice given here is to grey rock troublesome relatives and now a post about being grey rocked and people say 'oh that's rude'. However the bolded above speaks volumes. This relationship was not healthy and as a result the SIL has decided to grey rock which is designed to make you unappealing to talk to so the obnoxious person leaves you alone. You give one word answers and don't engage.

Well here is OP confused about what to do, she can't get past that shield, she is bored and the advice given to her is to move on and leave SIL alone.

Hence grey rock works wonders with family members who are critical, give you dirty looks and are snotty toward you and you don't want to deal with them. You don't stop doing grey rock because people like this rarely change, it is not holding a grudge, it is simply removing yourself from the toxic dance with a toxic relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP if you ask 'how are you' and she says, 'good' and doesn't follow up with asking anything about you, then its not your problem. To be honest I would probably say 'good chat' and then move on to join your DH and BIL in whatever they are discussing.

I would enjoy the glass of wine you are drinking and not focus on SIL. You can't engage if she doesn't let you engage. Being cordial is allowing a conversation room to breathe but if the other person cuts you off with one word answers, you are not rude for moving on.

It's not about being aloof, you don't need to be rude. You try to have a conversation but you also understand that you can't do that alone. Perhaps try not asking any questions about her personally. That is the only other thing I could suggest. Try just saying something about a new series you are watching on Netflix and how you enjoy it or thought it was weird. Try small talk that isn't personal to you or her but just random. If that doesn't work, try saying 'oh this wine is nice, I tried xyz the other day and liked it'. If that doesn't work then so be it, leave her alone.

If she speaks to you, then talk, if she gives you one word answers move on. If there is a group discussion, join in with everyone. Don't give her bratty behaviour attention.

It sounds like those earlier years where you showed your frustration with her has had a lasting impact on your relationship. Accept that and move on.

I wrote this reply earlier however after realising that OP was critical of the SIL for being quiet and how OP has then been snotty to the SIL because of this, I don't think the SIL is being bratty.

The only part of what I wrote above that I now agree with is that OP's previous behaviour was enough for the SIL to grey rock to protect herself and OP should just move on. Grey rock is intended for toxic relationships and what OP offered in the early days was definitely toxic.