Realized my SIL in "grey rocking" me

[Anonymous]

Sounds like behavior designed to avoid being completely rude but also to minimize interactions and give the other person (OP) the message that you don't want to have an actual relationship with them and you aren't interested in anything they have to say.

Kind of nasty but I wouldn't fight it if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have a bit of a relationship with your Brother that doesn't involve her. Share an article you read. Go out for lunch. Keep it brief. Make in infrequent but a regular event. DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER (because it sounds like that conversation w/him would not help your relationship with him). You can ask, "if THEY have plans for ...." You can ask about "them". But the focus is on him. You and him. If he is not willing, to do this, at all, you also have a Brother problem.

Generally: look for love where others love you back
Otherwise your hurt is your own fault

Sounds like it's her husband's sister, not her brother's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have a bit of a relationship with your Brother that doesn't involve her. Share an article you read. Go out for lunch. Keep it brief. Make in infrequent but a regular event. DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER (because it sounds like that conversation w/him would not help your relationship with him). You can ask, "if THEY have plans for ...." You can ask about "them". But the focus is on him. You and him. If he is not willing, to do this, at all, you also have a Brother problem.

Generally: look for love where others love you back
Otherwise your hurt is your own fault

💯 should be everyone's mantra!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Just be polite when you see her. You don’t have to have a special relationship with your SIL.

This.

My SIL was pretty abrasive when I tried to be social and friendly with her multiple times over the years and pushed me away, so I stopped caring. She probably feels this way about me, but I am not "grey rocking" her, I just don't care that much any more. I am social when we are together and that's it. She also likes to gossip to my family members, so it's best not to tell her too much.

I don't dislike her, I just got the hint from her early on in our relationship and don't care to repair now that we are middle aged.

[Anonymous]

If you were visiting a neighbor’s house and the cat ran under the couch and tried to scratch your kid every time he got down on the ground to try to pet it, wouldn’t you tell your kid to leave the cat alone and go find someone else to play with or something else to do?

My goodness. She’s not interested. Do you also go to an empty well with a bucket every day, expecting to get some water? Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were visiting a neighbor’s house and the cat ran under the couch and tried to scratch your kid every time he got down on the ground to try to pet it, wouldn’t you tell your kid to leave the cat alone and go find someone else to play with or something else to do?

My goodness. She’s not interested. Do you also go to an empty well with a bucket every day, expecting to get some water? Get a life.

Sister in law of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were visiting a neighbor’s house and the cat ran under the couch and tried to scratch your kid every time he got down on the ground to try to pet it, wouldn’t you tell your kid to leave the cat alone and go find someone else to play with or something else to do?

My goodness. She’s not interested. Do you also go to an empty well with a bucket every day, expecting to get some water? Get a life.

Sister in law of the year.

Actually, I’m one of the few people on my husband’s side of the family who DOES have a good relationship with my husband’s sister, and that is because I am accepting of her prickly/dramatic wife, in that I don’t go chasing after her and try to make her into something she’s not. I don’t try to force a closeness with her that she doesn’t feel. Because I don’t put pressure or expectations on SIL or on her wife, they naturally do gravitate to me. I don’t pressure them, so they almost use me as a social shield against the onslaught of “Where’s Nora?” And “Why won’t Nora go to church with us?” And “Why doesn’t Nora want dessert?”

And then DH’s family wonders why SIL and her wife talk to me and avoid others. It’s because I leave the cat alone, and sometimes she comes out on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were visiting a neighbor’s house and the cat ran under the couch and tried to scratch your kid every time he got down on the ground to try to pet it, wouldn’t you tell your kid to leave the cat alone and go find someone else to play with or something else to do?

My goodness. She’s not interested. Do you also go to an empty well with a bucket every day, expecting to get some water? Get a life.

This is unnecessarily harsh, although there's some truth here in the basic observation about an anti-social cat. OP, obviously you know your SIL best but it's possible she really is just shy or introverted (or both) and doesn't have a lot of mental space in her life to engage with you. I'm a shy introvert myself and it takes a lot out of me to interact with people, as much as I keep giving it the old college try. My MIL and SIL are very outgoing and wonderful people, and I genuinely like them a lot. But I'm also often overwhelmed by so many text messages, long emails, long extended conversations in person when we visit (they live pretty far away so we don't see them much in person). I do worry about coming across as cold to them and try not to, but I could certainly understand if they thought I was cold or disengaged. Our desires and abilities to engage socially are just at widely disparate levels. I guess my point is, it is entirely likely this has nothing to do with you and who you are at all, but who your SIL is, and that she's not necessarily a cold or nasty person intrinsically either.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she knows your DH thinks she’s a B. That could change her interactions.

[Anonymous]

OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

She’s Just Not That Into You

OR

You gossip about other people, so she’s tight-lipped around you. I learned very, very early on that my ILs gossip like mad about everyone, so of course I try to be as boring as possible and give them nothing to work with. My ILs blab about other people’s health, finances, perceived wealth, perceived relationship issues, sexuality, you name it. If you gossip about others in front of her, or have tried to gossip about others with her in the past, congratulations: you reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

OP, your SIL sounds a lot like me - and in my case, the short replies are because I am genuinely exhausted and probably also a little depressed. My brother loves to chat via text and while I love him dearly, I frequently just do not have the brainpower to be chatty back. I'm not mad, I'm just spent. I think the last year and a half-ish have been rough on lots of people for a lot of reasons. It's possible it's not personal with your SIL but something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

This doesn’t seem cold to me. She isn’t saying “I don’t care.” Or “None of your business.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

Why do you want to have this relationship so badly? You don't expect every random woman you meet in other contexts to be your best friend, so why are you pushing it so hard with this one? She's not interested in that kind of relationship, let it go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Just be polite when you see her. You don’t have to have a special relationship with your SIL.

This. I don’t particularly care for my SIL. We are 100% different people, and other than marrying into the same family, we have nothing in common. They are 3 hrs away, and we see then about twice a year, and it’s always fine. We are both polite and cordial. But I have never once picked up the phone and called her, and rarely, if ever, text. I have no idea if she’s broken up about it (doubtful), but it’s a fine situation when we’re together.