Realized my SIL in "grey rocking" me

[Anonymous]

Why the hell does she need to be your bestie because you're banging her brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

Silence is a good thing, you do not need to fill the air with your voice, it's okay to be quiet.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't like you, and that's ok. She's not overly rude or nasty. She just doesn't like you. Let it go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

There’s nothing to confront. It’s really ok if there’s silence in the room. Some of us actually prefer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. here are some examples of the behavior.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larla liking school this year?
Her - Good. No other follow up.

Me - Hi SIL, I just overheard you talking about this great wine you had recently. What's the name of it?
Her - I don't remember.

Me - Hi SIL, how is Larlo's new job going?
Her - Great. no other follow up.

Me - Little Larla had a great time at this park. If you are looking for something to do with your Larla, it's a great spot.
Her -Oh

Not every conversation is like this, but a majority. It just feels like it is a strain to get an answer other than a blow off. In social situations with others she is very talkative and engaging but not with me. She doesn't ask how I am doing or any real follow up questions. She doesnt initiate social outings with just us. I have asked her and she's always been busy.

I've tried reciprocating the behavior a long time ago and things got significantly worse. She flat out ignored me and my husband doesn't press the issue, so just leaves me on that branch by myself and ignores it. He won't address it which is his fault. I think he is afraid he will be iced out too. He is a social pleaser to a fault, especially when it comes to family.
I would say low self esteem on my part plays a roll here. It bothers me she doesnt like me no matter what I do. It bothers me it's my husbands family mean girling me. I don't want to be embarrassed by her ignoring me in social situations. I just want to stop letting this live rent free in my head.

She sounds very immature, like a sulky 13 year old.

[Anonymous]

She’s definitely has a princess attitude and treated like one in the family.

[Anonymous]

I am a SIL to my brother’s wife. I do have conversations with her but when she calls or tries to talk when we are together it is always more of a chore to me. She is ok but not someone I would befriend or someone I like as a person, I guess that’s why. I am more of a people pleaser so I do talk to her when she does, but I don’t contact her first unless I need her input when planning something.
I think if I were less of a people pleaser I would talk to her even less.
If you are planning to see her around the holidays - let your H do the talking to her and just engage with other people. It’s not great but you aren’t truly family from her POV - no need to invest much effort. It’s not because she doesn’t like you but rather because family by marriage usually feels pretty foreign (it’s a chore for me to talk to ex in laws as well). Some people are better and more gracious at doing chores than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't like you, and that's ok. She's not overly rude or nasty. She just doesn't like you. Let it go

She seems pretty rude actually. I feel that my sil is cold to me and she’s way more engaged than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

Here’s what: we all have coworkers or relatives we don’t like that much. It’s basically no effort to say, “Hi Jamie, nice to see you. Love that sweater!” And keep it moving. You are pretending this is harder and more involved than it is. Make small talk and then go focus on the people who actually want to see and talk with you. Move on.

[Anonymous]

OP I was wondering if you were asking more personal questions which would feel intrusive but your examples are fine and low key. Her one word answers are a little bit rude and definitely cold.

Here's the thing, you tried, its not on you to keep it socially nice. Your SIL has a role as well.

I would not engage with her, be nice, be cordial but really she doesn't appear to be interested in communicating with you. I would just stop, if she approaches you to talk, fine, other than that I would leave her be, I wouldn't approach her. Really I would see it as respecting her wishes to be left alone. Others in the family would have watched you trying over and over and over again. If they notice you have given up, they will know why. The thing is, she is able to communicate with others and talk about her wine etc, she is choosing not to with you. So don't force her, just talk to others at family functions. The only one making this weird is your SIL.

If ever asked by SIL why you don't seem to want to talk to her I would answer honestly and say 'you gave one word replies to me, I didn't think you wanted to talk to me, did I get that wrong'. Leave it with your SIL she can make an effort or not but I would be done with trying with her, she has been rude and really you aren't expected to put up with that anywhere, you have a choice to walk away and go talk to someone normal, I would do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

Here’s what: we all have coworkers or relatives we don’t like that much. It’s basically no effort to say, “Hi Jamie, nice to see you. Love that sweater!” And keep it moving. You are pretending this is harder and more involved than it is. Make small talk and then go focus on the people who actually want to see and talk with you. Move on.

Yes, true and agree. But when it’s just 4 adults and a few kids and you are the one that is being ‘grey rocked’ in a conversation, it’s just crappy.

[Anonymous]

Have you broken her confidence at any time in the past? Do you overshare about others? Is there a reason she lacks trust in you?

Is it possible your brother has shared something with her about you that would put her off of you?

[Anonymous]

I believe it probably be the later since husband is an over share-er and lacks emotional intelligence due to poor parental upbringing. I’m sure he shared his frustrations with me in a not so shining way and thought once we got married she’d ‘come around’ in his words though never specifically addressed her meanness to me. Just says “that’s who she is and always has been.” He definitely has fault in the dynamic. I’m sure I’ve given dirty looks and been snotty back in the early days. Once kids came along I tried to be more cautious with showing my annoyance with the behavior and just try to start new but she def holds a grudge. Her husband has said as much to my husband in a previous convo.
She’s no treat and neither are the ones that she graces with her niceness, but for some reason she doesn’t want to move beyond whatever perceived faults I have. I just have to let it go and stop fighting what’s pretty obvious. She could care less about me.
Again, I appreciate all the feedback. It’s given me a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want a best friendship from her. I guess more so as we are heading into the holidays and will be forced to confront it, I don’t want to continue to be uncomfortable. I keep trying because family should try and if I don’t try at all, it will just be silence in the room. There’s been some great advice here and I appreciate the feedback. I probably just shouldn’t care anymore and let the chips fall where they may.

Here’s what: we all have coworkers or relatives we don’t like that much. It’s basically no effort to say, “Hi Jamie, nice to see you. Love that sweater!” And keep it moving. You are pretending this is harder and more involved than it is. Make small talk and then go focus on the people who actually want to see and talk with you. Move on.

Yes, true and agree. But when it’s just 4 adults and a few kids and you are the one that is being ‘grey rocked’ in a conversation, it’s just crappy.

If there are four adults participating in this conversation, why aren’t you blaming the other two? They are every bit as much to blame. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together and half a heartstring can make sure the fourth person is included even if SIL is deliberately stonewalling. Your husband equally sucks. You get that, right?