My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more

Divorce is in your near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This.
Don't plan on depending on help from your spouse, no matter how pro-kids you think they'll be. No matter what they say. Once reality of parenting hits, most men seem to follow the path of OP's DH.

No wonder we don’t want to have sex with them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more

Divorce is in your near future.

PP here.
Haha. Thanks for your concern, but jokes on you. We’re blissfully happy, two kids later. And he’d give the same advice I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more

This is way overkill. All you need to do is marry someone who is not addicted to his phone and video game console.

My DH and I have an equitable marriage but we did not live together beforehand. I do all the “research” things and the cooking, while he spends more hands-on time with the kids than me (though I spend plenty as well). I am happy with that

[Anonymous]

^^ And he owns his own business so he gave himself 1 week paternity leave which was fine with me because I had plenty of family help. Still did and continues to do a lot for the kids during his leisure hours since he doesn’t waste them on screens.

[Anonymous]

I think missed it. How old are your kids and what kind of care do they have during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more

This is way overkill. All you need to do is marry someone who is not addicted to his phone and video game console.

My DH and I have an equitable marriage but we did not live together beforehand. I do all the “research” things and the cooking, while he spends more hands-on time with the kids than me (though I spend plenty as well). I am happy with that

I got married when we only had flip phones. How was I supposed to predict this?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more

This is way overkill. All you need to do is marry someone who is not addicted to his phone and video game console.

My DH and I have an equitable marriage but we did not live together beforehand. I do all the “research” things and the cooking, while he spends more hands-on time with the kids than me (though I spend plenty as well). I am happy with that

I got married when we only had flip phones. How was I supposed to predict this?!?!

Good point. Maybe the thing to look for is an interest in self-reflection and self-improvement? Not a navel gazer but someone who has enough EQ to recognize when their actions are hurting their loved ones and try to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.

Why? She’s trying to figure out how to get time to do focused work without kids bothering her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.

Why? She’s trying to figure out how to get time to do focused work without kids bothering her.

PP again. It just sounds to me from her post like yes, her DH is lazy, but fundamentally it sounds like she wants people to read her mind about when she’s busy and when she’s not. Why can’t she say “I am reading a book from 2-3, so DH, you need to be available for them.” It kind of sounds like neither she nor her husband get downtime, but her husband basically steals his by just going on his phone and ignoring the kids. Why not schedule downtime for the two of them? And it sounds like their house is fundamentally disorganized. No one should be wondering what’s for dinner, when it’s happening, who’s making it. I don’t think it’s fair to the kids that they have to ping pong between two adults just to get some lunch. I feel like OP has made herself the de facto boss of a house with no routine or organization, and then she just decides randomly that she wants time alone and everyone else is supposed to fall in line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

Not true for me or any of my friends after the baby/toddler stage. My DH has areas of responsibility that he handles competently, and so do I. We are respectful of each other’s need for some blocks of uninterrupted time for work and/or relaxing alone. I agree with others that dropping everything to help a kid who is 4+ with minor requests leads to neediness and annoying behavior. Also, kids that age can be trained to understand, and after a few repetitions comply, when they hear “This is mommy’s quiet time, now scram.” Closing yourself in a room helps reinforce those boundaries.

You do have to give them your full attention when you are not having your alone time so they feel loved and respected, of course, but it really is good for their development to sometimes be bored, not have their requests given immediate attention, and learn to figure out how to solve their own minor problems. If your DH rarely or never steps up to give the kids good attention, then that is a serious problem that hopefully can be helped with some frank conversations when you are not feeling murderous and resentful and perhaps marriage counseling. But is truly is a separate problem from the one where your kids are constantly running to you for help with every little thing. If you train the kids first, you will likely have more patience for tackling your issues with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.

Why? She’s trying to figure out how to get time to do focused work without kids bothering her.

PP again. It just sounds to me from her post like yes, her DH is lazy, but fundamentally it sounds like she wants people to read her mind about when she’s busy and when she’s not. Why can’t she say “I am reading a book from 2-3, so DH, you need to be available for them.” It kind of sounds like neither she nor her husband get downtime, but her husband basically steals his by just going on his phone and ignoring the kids. Why not schedule downtime for the two of them? And it sounds like their house is fundamentally disorganized. No one should be wondering what’s for dinner, when it’s happening, who’s making it. I don’t think it’s fair to the kids that they have to ping pong between two adults just to get some lunch. I feel like OP has made herself the de facto boss of a house with no routine or organization, and then she just decides randomly that she wants time alone and everyone else is supposed to fall in line.

1) Why on earth would someone who is working or cleaning need to explain to their partner that they are busy and request that he take point with the kids, when he is playing video games or staring at his phone? Like how much of a red carpet invitation to parenting does a DH need? Like it is some real learned helplessness for the DH to argue that his wife is somehow not communicating her needs with him well enough when he is actively ignoring his children so he can play a video game. Just stop.

2) If someone is repeatedly saying “I am busy, go ask dad,” and no one is listening to her, she is not the “de facto boss” of the family. She is trying to set a boundary and being ignored.

People will blame women for the rudeness and incompetence of others, no matter how hard that woman is trying to communicate, be clear, assert needs, etc. Which is why men get away with this crap. Because when a woman complains about it, even other women will jump in and say “oh this is your fault.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s something like a meal, decide ahead of time who’s in charge of lunch.

Also, when you need uninterrupted time, you need to leave the house. I know that kind of sucks. But if you’re not good at ignoring the way your husband is, leaving is the best strategy. Even if you’re just sitting on a park bench reading or whatever. Go to the library or a coffee shop to work. Etc.

We do this. Kids are off school on a random day? We decide who is doing what with them when (or if we're all taking the day off to do something). Weekends, same thing. We schedule everything out, including meals. I place the grocery order, but I don't come up with all the meals - the kids each pick one dinner and my husband and I divide the rest.

When they get home from school, we have a schedule each week that shows which parent is available when, and we schedule our work accordingly. If he has them after school, then they know not to bother me because I'm working, and vice versa. This is our first time going without a nanny but she moved and they are older so we're giving it a go, and luckily we both have flexible enough jobs to try this out (and we both now work from home).

I guess that then mostly solves the problem of who the kids go to when they need something - either both of us are lounging around and therefore either of us can help, or one of us is assigned to kid duty. I'm a Type A person, so I love a good schedule and while it does take some time for us to sit down and look at the upcoming week, it's worth it once the week starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.

Why? She’s trying to figure out how to get time to do focused work without kids bothering her.

PP again. It just sounds to me from her post like yes, her DH is lazy, but fundamentally it sounds like she wants people to read her mind about when she’s busy and when she’s not. Why can’t she say “I am reading a book from 2-3, so DH, you need to be available for them.” It kind of sounds like neither she nor her husband get downtime, but her husband basically steals his by just going on his phone and ignoring the kids. Why not schedule downtime for the two of them? And it sounds like their house is fundamentally disorganized. No one should be wondering what’s for dinner, when it’s happening, who’s making it. I don’t think it’s fair to the kids that they have to ping pong between two adults just to get some lunch. I feel like OP has made herself the de facto boss of a house with no routine or organization, and then she just decides randomly that she wants time alone and everyone else is supposed to fall in line.

1) Why on earth would someone who is working or cleaning need to explain to their partner that they are busy and request that he take point with the kids, when he is playing video games or staring at his phone? Like how much of a red carpet invitation to parenting does a DH need? Like it is some real learned helplessness for the DH to argue that his wife is somehow not communicating her needs with him well enough when he is actively ignoring his children so he can play a video game. Just stop.

2) If someone is repeatedly saying “I am busy, go ask dad,” and no one is listening to her, she is not the “de facto boss” of the family. She is trying to set a boundary and being ignored.

People will blame women for the rudeness and incompetence of others, no matter how hard that woman is trying to communicate, be clear, assert needs, etc. Which is why men get away with this crap. Because when a woman complains about it, even other women will jump in and say “oh this is your fault.”

This. Especially point #1.
My DH is completely oblivious to anything going on around him in our house, and especially oblivious to whatever I may be doing (WFH, housework, helping other child, etc). I have to specifically call him out, get his attention, repeatedly ask him to help, etc. And, no, he most certainly wasn't like this before we had kids. We split everything 50/50.