My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM who still incorporates some of the ideas on dividing by time and subject area here. Before morning coffee and after 8 pm, I’m off duty and my kids know it - that’s me time. And anything related to the lawn, sporting equipment needs or technology (WiFi, passwords, whether they can buy a certain game) all get referred to Dad.

[Anonymous]

It happens in my house too. Dh doesn’t blow the kids off, he just doesn’t think their needs are as urgent as they do. And here’s the thing—they probably aren’t! I spent a ton of time when they were little filling water bottles when they were empty, helping find lost toys, and all the minutiae of daily life quickly and efficiently. I told myself it wasn’t about them, it was about me moving on to the next thing without having to remember that last task. But I think it enabled my kids a little. They barely spent time looking for things before calling me for help. I finally started saying “look again” or “I’ll help in 5 minutes” and 7 out of 10 times they would figure it out or move on. So while I 100% understand your frustration, I would take a page out of the books of dads and help your kids be more independent since your dh isn’t going to step up.!

[Anonymous]

I have partly solved this problem. I leave the house. I go out with friends and let my husband do dinner and bedtime a few times a month. I don’t plan anything or prep anything for them. I just leave.

I workout most mornings outside of the house. I come home 20 min before I walk a kid to school. My husband gets them dressed, lunched packed and breakfast.

When the kids are home from school for the day, one parent is on duty and responsible for planning camps or activities. If my husband wants to spend his day with no plan or play date, that’s fine with me. I leave and work somewhere else. When my office was still closed I would lock my bedroom door so they could not come get me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids always come to me first when they need anything. Ok, fine. Often I just do whatever it is they need or facilitate them doing it themselves (i.e. encouraging them to get their own snack from the snack shelf I have created for this precise purpose). Sometimes I'm busy or need a break and I will suggest they do it themselves or, if they need help, that they ask their dad for help.

My DH does not understand that this is exhausting. He does not get that being the first point of contact for literally any problem that anyone has is completely draining and exhausting. He doesn't understand that even when I am able to redirect the kids to do something themselves, the distraction of having to pull myself from what I am doing to make this redirection makes my life feel constantly disjointed and interrupted. He especially doesn't understand how exhausting this is when the activity I am distracted from is something like cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, paying bills, booking a vacation, researching summer camps, or any of the many, many tasks I do not for myself but for my family as a unit. And yes, sometimes I am also trying to do something for myself -- workout or read a book or take a shower. Basically I don't get to do anything (not even write this post) without being interrupted and asked for something. And my DH also does plenty of interrupting and asking me for things, wanting to know what we should do for dinner or where his shoes are or if the dishwasher is clean or dinner, etc.

Often when I redirect my kids to go ask my DH for help or say "I'm sorry I'm in the middle of something, I can't help right now", my DH is amazing at just ignoring their requests or saying "yes I'll help in a minute" and letting that minute last for a half hour or longer. And when he does this, they just boomerang back to me, only with more urgency and annoyance, necessitating that I stop whatever I am doing and just help them because at that point I cannot focus on anything anyway. And my DH just gets to go on doing whatever he is doing, which is sometimes something for the family unit but is often a video game or looking at his phone.

He views this problem strictly as one of allocating parenting. He doesn't understand that I feel like I live in a perpetual state of disruption and that what I want is a fundamental adjustment to the way people in our family get their needs met. I think my DH needs to step up and volunteer to help the kids more, needs to respond more quickly to their requests for help, and be more proactive so that they see me less as the first, last, and often only parental resource in the house, and see him more often as the go-to for at least certain tasks. I just can't go on like this, and I hate having to "assign" him parenting tasks rather than having him take them on himself, because that in and of itself is a burden that disrupts the other demands on my time.

Can anyone else relate? Anyone had success in changing this dynamic. I'm so tired and just want to think a complete thought or finish a task without interruption.

Also, before you ask, we both work.

Can you assign DH these tasks instead? Doesn't solve the underlying issue but maybe a bit more equitable and less to feel interrupted about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

Yes. It doesn’t work because you are not all home when kids are older. We have soccer and baseball. This weekend we have 3 kid birthday parties. Kids have social lives as do the adults. We are all running in different directions all weekend. Having a centrally dictated schedule doesn’t work once your kids have their own schedules - and my kids are in fewer activities than most. Once you have more than one kid and extracurriculars, your spouse better be ready to step up and know things like the coach’s name and the time/location of practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

And then enable it all. First you create the problem, then whine about it endlessly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have partly solved this problem. I leave the house. I go out with friends and let my husband do dinner and bedtime a few times a month. I don’t plan anything or prep anything for them. I just leave.

I workout most mornings outside of the house. I come home 20 min before I walk a kid to school. My husband gets them dressed, lunched packed and breakfast.

When the kids are home from school for the day, one parent is on duty and responsible for planning camps or activities. If my husband wants to spend his day with no plan or play date, that’s fine with me. I leave and work somewhere else. When my office was still closed I would lock my bedroom door so they could not come get me.

NP.

When I leave my husband with the kids in the morning, they often miss the bus. They also often don’t eat breakfast.
If my husband is home alone with the kids on a weekend or vacation day, they sit in front of the computer for 16 hours and get Chick-fil-A or pizza for dinner. They only get lunch if the older kid makes it.

We’ve tried it many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.

Yes. It doesn’t work because you are not all home when kids are older. We have soccer and baseball. This weekend we have 3 kid birthday parties. Kids have social lives as do the adults. We are all running in different directions all weekend. Having a centrally dictated schedule doesn’t work once your kids have their own schedules - and my kids are in fewer activities than most. Once you have more than one kid and extracurriculars, your spouse better be ready to step up and know things like the coach’s name and the time/location of practice.

Hmm yea, but it doesn't sound like that's what OP is talking about? She was mostly describing unstructured time at her house. I'm saying, I think you have to be a little more intentional about when you're going to do focused activities like researching vacations, in depth cleaning, etc. It sort of sounds like she just decides randomly that she's going to do a focused activity, kids are like "what is happening now? when is mom or dad going to be free to help me?" and dad is just checked out.... Wouldn't it work better to at least plan out the weekend. Like, "okay, today we have soccer practice and a bday party. I also need to workout and research vacations," and then talk about when that is all going to happen and who is going to do what? It sounds like her house is just kind of loosey goosey, plus her husband is just a lump.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you subtly break his gaming console. Then he will have lots of free time to help his children.

[Anonymous]

Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This.
Don't plan on depending on help from your spouse, no matter how pro-kids you think they'll be. No matter what they say. Once reality of parenting hits, most men seem to follow the path of OP's DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This is crap.

Just accept it? No way.

1) live together before you’re married. If he doesn’t happily do his half of the chores and household stuff completely independently, without being asked and without needing to be praised for it, dump him.
2) start out on the right foot. How many of you put together your whole baby registry with little or no input from your husbands? Nope. He’s gotta research and pick stuff too. And research childcare options or pediatricians. And read up on baby sleep. Etc. Yeah, it’s “easy and fun!” at the beginning. And it means you don’t always get what you want. Yup. That’s the only path to equality.
3) he takes 12 weeks paternity leave. I recommend 2 with you at the beginning and 10 on his own after you go back to work. Make sure he’s on board with this before you get married.
4) internalize NOW that your way isn’t the best way. Some things are gonna be done “sub-optimally” (aka, not how you want it done). EMBRACE this.
5) if things start to slip (like you realize that your kids always ask you for stuff and not him) nip it in the bud FAST. Don’t accept. Don’t whine and complain. Tell him, plainly, this is unacceptable and from now on you don’t respond to children’s requests during X and Y times and then HOLD TO IT.

Are there edge cases where you get screwed? Absolutely. Your formerly-equal partner husband turns out to be completely overwhelmed by children, discussions have gotten you nowhere, just leaving every Saturday for 3 months from 8-8 and letting the chips fall where they may has lead to McDonalds and 12 hours of television every single week and zero improvement or caring. So you take on the primary parent role because you need better for your kids. That SUCKS and I feel for you. But those unavoidable and hopeless cases are not 95%!! Maybe 10%.

Don’t give in to this crap!!

—a mom who does half and no more