My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have partly solved this problem. I leave the house. I go out with friends and let my husband do dinner and bedtime a few times a month. I don’t plan anything or prep anything for them. I just leave.

I workout most mornings outside of the house. I come home 20 min before I walk a kid to school. My husband gets them dressed, lunched packed and breakfast.

When the kids are home from school for the day, one parent is on duty and responsible for planning camps or activities. If my husband wants to spend his day with no plan or play date, that’s fine with me. I leave and work somewhere else. When my office was still closed I would lock my bedroom door so they could not come get me.

NP.

When I leave my husband with the kids in the morning, they often miss the bus. They also often don’t eat breakfast.
If my husband is home alone with the kids on a weekend or vacation day, they sit in front of the computer for 16 hours and get Chick-fil-A or pizza for dinner. They only get lunch if the older kid makes it.

We’ve tried it many times.

I mean, you need to unclench a bit. There's nothing wrong with occasional Chick Fil A or pizza for dinner. Missing the bus and spending 16 hours in front of the computer (really?!?) are obviously issues, but you need to pick your battles better. Your husband is probably tired of you complaining about EVERYTHING.

My kids were off school last Monday but neither my husband nor I were. Because of things I had done the week before, I needed to work, so he stepped up and took them for the day. They went to Chick Fil A for lunch and had a blast bowling and playing on a new playground. If I had micromanaged the day and said that they could and couldn't do and then complained when he brought them home safe and sound, I bet he wouldn't want to do that again.

You sound unintelligent. The PP is clearly saying that her DH wouldn’t put in an ounce of effort. Obviously if your DH took the kids out all day then nobody would begrudge some Chick Fil A for lunch or pizza for dinner. Work on your reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find time to read or listen to Eve Rodsky’s “Fair Play” which addresses all the tasks related to keeping a household running.
I listened to it and my husband bought the cards because I told him that I didn’t feel like our parenting was in equitable situation.

She breaks it down into CPE, conceive, plan and execute- all the things, like making appointments, planning bday parties, etc.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/about-the-book

I think it saved my marriage and sanity and hugely growing sense of resentment that I was ON POINT FOR EVERY THING!!

If we don’t talk about this our kids will be having the same challenges once they are parents.

It has to stop somewhere.

+1,000

I have two daughters and I think one of the reasons I am so insistent that they see my husband doing everything I do is because I don't want them to marry men and end up on this board in situations like OP's.

I just clicked on this link and looked through some of the cards. I have to say that it feels kind of overwhelming to think about everything that needs to be done in a household all at once. There are 100 cards!

I really like the CPE concept though. We are in a good place in our marriage right now, and I have been talking with my husband about feeling overwhelmed, but it's hard to know where to start with splitting things up. I think that starting with just talking about taking over tasks from Conception to Planning to Execution would be really helpful and cut down on the communication gaps and redundancy. I have found out recently that it's actually really difficult to be handed something to execute when you didn't do the conceiving and planning part of it. On the flip side, it's very frustrating to have someone else only notice (or completely take the credit for) the execution when most of the work was conceiving and planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

Secondly, are y’all still sexually attracted to them after this constant display of selfishness, negligence, and incompetency???

No.

[Anonymous]

Saw this on Instagram and thought of this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CVMCG2Drvn3/?utm_medium=copy_link

My takeaway is that women REALLY need to stop telling each other that this situation is their fault for failing to properly incentivize/educate their husbands into being equal partners. This is on men, and is clearly a deeply entrained cultural problem. If you have a partner who truly does half, you are simply very fortunate. Not smarter or a better wife/mother. Just statistically really effing lucky.

I also think many women just accept the inequity and choose not to be upset by it. Which is its own kind of accomplishment. But being willing to accept unfairness is just not in everyone’s DNA. I also think these days women get sold a bill of goods about equitable marriages with kids. Our mothers knew they’d do it all. It was explicitly explained to them. We were surprised. Often the people lying to us about how equal it will be are our own husbands. I’ve seen it with mine. He wants to be a full partner. He works at it. I think he mostly feels he succeeds. But he simply does not understand what he’s not doing. When I tell him he’s skeptical. He’s also dismissive of the importance of things like making sure the kids have clothes that fit, or thinking critically about how one child is struggling with a behavioral issue and doing research and working with teachers to address it. He’ll acknowledge these things are important, but it is clear he doesn’t think they are important enough for him to participate at all.

The “Mental Load” comic by Emma someone posted upthread describes this very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saw this on Instagram and thought of this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CVMCG2Drvn3/?utm_medium=copy_link

My takeaway is that women REALLY need to stop telling each other that this situation is their fault for failing to properly incentivize/educate their husbands into being equal partners. This is on men, and is clearly a deeply entrained cultural problem. If you have a partner who truly does half, you are simply very fortunate. Not smarter or a better wife/mother. Just statistically really effing lucky.

I also think many women just accept the inequity and choose not to be upset by it. Which is its own kind of accomplishment. But being willing to accept unfairness is just not in everyone’s DNA. I also think these days women get sold a bill of goods about equitable marriages with kids. Our mothers knew they’d do it all. It was explicitly explained to them. We were surprised. Often the people lying to us about how equal it will be are our own husbands. I’ve seen it with mine. He wants to be a full partner. He works at it. I think he mostly feels he succeeds. But he simply does not understand what he’s not doing. When I tell him he’s skeptical. He’s also dismissive of the importance of things like making sure the kids have clothes that fit, or thinking critically about how one child is struggling with a behavioral issue and doing research and working with teachers to address it. He’ll acknowledge these things are important, but it is clear he doesn’t think they are important enough for him to participate at all.

The “Mental Load” comic by Emma someone posted upthread describes this very well.

I enjoy organizing and planning schedules so I would feel sad if DH took that away from me! He does plenty of other things though, and gives me time to relax

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have partly solved this problem. I leave the house. I go out with friends and let my husband do dinner and bedtime a few times a month. I don’t plan anything or prep anything for them. I just leave.

I workout most mornings outside of the house. I come home 20 min before I walk a kid to school. My husband gets them dressed, lunched packed and breakfast.

When the kids are home from school for the day, one parent is on duty and responsible for planning camps or activities. If my husband wants to spend his day with no plan or play date, that’s fine with me. I leave and work somewhere else. When my office was still closed I would lock my bedroom door so they could not come get me.

NP.

When I leave my husband with the kids in the morning, they often miss the bus. They also often don’t eat breakfast.
If my husband is home alone with the kids on a weekend or vacation day, they sit in front of the computer for 16 hours and get Chick-fil-A or pizza for dinner. They only get lunch if the older kid makes it.

We’ve tried it many times.

I mean, you need to unclench a bit. There's nothing wrong with occasional Chick Fil A or pizza for dinner. Missing the bus and spending 16 hours in front of the computer (really?!?) are obviously issues, but you need to pick your battles better. Your husband is probably tired of you complaining about EVERYTHING.

My kids were off school last Monday but neither my husband nor I were. Because of things I had done the week before, I needed to work, so he stepped up and took them for the day. They went to Chick Fil A for lunch and had a blast bowling and playing on a new playground. If I had micromanaged the day and said that they could and couldn't do and then complained when he brought them home safe and sound, I bet he wouldn't want to do that again.

You sound unintelligent. The PP is clearly saying that her DH wouldn’t put in an ounce of effort. Obviously if your DH took the kids out all day then nobody would begrudge some Chick Fil A for lunch or pizza for dinner. Work on your reading comprehension.

You sound…never mind, there’s no point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saw this on Instagram and thought of this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CVMCG2Drvn3/?utm_medium=copy_link

My takeaway is that women REALLY need to stop telling each other that this situation is their fault for failing to properly incentivize/educate their husbands into being equal partners. This is on men, and is clearly a deeply entrained cultural problem. If you have a partner who truly does half, you are simply very fortunate. Not smarter or a better wife/mother. Just statistically really effing lucky.

I also think many women just accept the inequity and choose not to be upset by it. Which is its own kind of accomplishment. But being willing to accept unfairness is just not in everyone’s DNA. I also think these days women get sold a bill of goods about equitable marriages with kids. Our mothers knew they’d do it all. It was explicitly explained to them. We were surprised. Often the people lying to us about how equal it will be are our own husbands. I’ve seen it with mine. He wants to be a full partner. He works at it. I think he mostly feels he succeeds. But he simply does not understand what he’s not doing. When I tell him he’s skeptical. He’s also dismissive of the importance of things like making sure the kids have clothes that fit, or thinking critically about how one child is struggling with a behavioral issue and doing research and working with teachers to address it. He’ll acknowledge these things are important, but it is clear he doesn’t think they are important enough for him to participate at all.

The “Mental Load” comic by Emma someone posted upthread describes this very well.

Your attitude is really pessimistic. I’ve worked with my husband on BOTH of us being better partners. We are two different people who came from two different environments trying to make a joint life work. If it truly was simply luck, and no work whatsoever, then most couples are doomed. Why think like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

+1

My advice is become dumb for a few days. Or have some errands that take 12 hours to run on a Saturday. Let a few unimportant things fall apart a little.

I started training DH from the earliest days.

[Anonymous]

Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saw this on Instagram and thought of this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CVMCG2Drvn3/?utm_medium=copy_link

My takeaway is that women REALLY need to stop telling each other that this situation is their fault for failing to properly incentivize/educate their husbands into being equal partners. This is on men, and is clearly a deeply entrained cultural problem. If you have a partner who truly does half, you are simply very fortunate. Not smarter or a better wife/mother. Just statistically really effing lucky.

I also think many women just accept the inequity and choose not to be upset by it. Which is its own kind of accomplishment. But being willing to accept unfairness is just not in everyone’s DNA. I also think these days women get sold a bill of goods about equitable marriages with kids. Our mothers knew they’d do it all. It was explicitly explained to them. We were surprised. Often the people lying to us about how equal it will be are our own husbands. I’ve seen it with mine. He wants to be a full partner. He works at it. I think he mostly feels he succeeds. But he simply does not understand what he’s not doing. When I tell him he’s skeptical. He’s also dismissive of the importance of things like making sure the kids have clothes that fit, or thinking critically about how one child is struggling with a behavioral issue and doing research and working with teachers to address it. He’ll acknowledge these things are important, but it is clear he doesn’t think they are important enough for him to participate at all.

The “Mental Load” comic by Emma someone posted upthread describes this very well.

When it comes to comments like this, I often think the real problem isn’t the husband, it’s just that the family is too busy. I think the women are motivated to suffer so they can have a 2-career family and kids, and the men just start to realize they didn’t know what they were getting into and the 2-career family doesn’t seem like the best idea but their wife is making them, so they just coast along as best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

I mean, it makes sense. Their dads got to work and come home to a SAHW who did everything, and now husbands with working wives are expected to do half the housework and childcare and really aren’t receiving any benefits from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

I mean, it makes sense. Their dads got to work and come home to a SAHW who did everything, and now husbands with working wives are expected to do half the housework and childcare and really aren’t receiving any benefits from it.

Except, you know, getting to be the sort of person who pulls his weight.

Which matters to a lot of women but not enough men. And to join the chorus, you don't see this when you're dating or even in the early years of marriage, necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

I mean, it makes sense. Their dads got to work and come home to a SAHW who did everything, and now husbands with working wives are expected to do half the housework and childcare and really aren’t receiving any benefits from it.

Except, you know, getting to be the sort of person who pulls his weight.

Which matters to a lot of women but not enough men. And to join the chorus, you don't see this when you're dating or even in the early years of marriage, necessarily.

What they are getting is the income (and benefits) of a working wife. If they would like to cut the family budget and live on just one income, it's an option. But a lot of men don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

I mean, it makes sense. Their dads got to work and come home to a SAHW who did everything, and now husbands with working wives are expected to do half the housework and childcare and really aren’t receiving any benefits from it.

Except, you know, getting to be the sort of person who pulls his weight.

Which matters to a lot of women but not enough men. And to join the chorus, you don't see this when you're dating or even in the early years of marriage, necessarily.

And also being a good spouse! My husband is an equal partner because he sees how not being one affects me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even the most progressive dad mentally defaults to the 50s style “man works, woman does kids” mentality, albeit subconsciously in many cases. I know that’s part of my DH’s issue and he didn’t even grow up with a present dad, so it’s not like he’s modeling something he saw. Women are doomed.

I mean, it makes sense. Their dads got to work and come home to a SAHW who did everything, and now husbands with working wives are expected to do half the housework and childcare and really aren’t receiving any benefits from it.

Except, you know, getting to be the sort of person who pulls his weight.

Which matters to a lot of women but not enough men. And to join the chorus, you don't see this when you're dating or even in the early years of marriage, necessarily.

And also being a good spouse! My husband is an equal partner because he sees how not being one affects me.

And the respect of your wife and a healthier marriage. If you act like a child who needs constant direction and take no responsibility for parenting, she won't see you as a partner or even as an adult.