Reply to My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My kids are only 2 and 4, and it sounds like a lot of elementary school parents are having the same issue, so maybe I’m out of my depth. But would it help to structure your time more clearly? Like Sat morning your DH does something with the kids and makes lunch while you work out and do bills/research vacations/whatever. Then for an hour after lunch everyone has downtime. Then in the afternoon you do a family activity, or you’re on with the kids while DH does something else. I feel like this works well for my house - is there a reason this doesn’t work for older kids?[/quote]

Yes, you are out of your depth. You answered a question that OP didn’t ask.[/quote]

But… it sort of sounds like everyone in her house is confused about what’s supposed to happen at any particular time. Maybe if there were a routine of when mom is available and when she isn’t, it would work better?[/quote]

Still out of your depth. You are confused about the question OP is asking.[/quote]

Why? She’s trying to figure out how to get time to do focused work without kids bothering her.[/quote]

PP again. It just sounds to me from her post like yes, her DH is lazy, but fundamentally it sounds like she wants people to read her mind about when she’s busy and when she’s not. Why can’t she say “I am reading a book from 2-3, so DH, you need to be available for them.” It kind of sounds like neither she nor her husband get downtime, but her husband basically steals his by just going on his phone and ignoring the kids. Why not schedule downtime for the two of them? And it sounds like their house is fundamentally disorganized. No one should be wondering what’s for dinner, when it’s happening, who’s making it. I don’t think it’s fair to the kids that they have to ping pong between two adults just to get some lunch. I feel like OP has made herself the de facto boss of a house with no routine or organization, and then she just decides randomly that she wants time alone and everyone else is supposed to fall in line.[/quote]

1) Why on earth would someone who is working or cleaning need to explain to their partner that they are busy and request that he take point with the kids, when he is playing video games or staring at his phone? Like how much of a red carpet invitation to parenting does a DH need? Like it is some real learned helplessness for the DH to argue that his wife is somehow not communicating her needs with him well enough when he is actively ignoring his children so he can play a video game. Just stop.

2) If someone is repeatedly saying “I am busy, go ask dad,” and no one is listening to her, she is not the “de facto boss” of the family. She is trying to set a boundary and being ignored.

People will blame women for the rudeness and incompetence of others, no matter how hard that woman is trying to communicate, be clear, assert needs, etc. Which is why men get away with this crap. Because when a woman complains about it, even other women will jump in and say “oh this is your fault.”[/quote]

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