My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What they are getting is the income (and benefits) of a working wife. If they would like to cut the family budget and live on just one income, it's an option. But a lot of men don't want to.

I guess, assuming women don't want to work. But I for one do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What they are getting is the income (and benefits) of a working wife. If they would like to cut the family budget and live on just one income, it's an option. But a lot of men don't want to.

I guess, assuming women don't want to work. But I for one do.

Yes. Men should not act like they have some special right to a SAHM and to be the only one with a professional life. But when you get right down to it, a lot of men do not want to live on their income alone. So they should stop acting like they aren't getting anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have more than one child? I mean besides your spouse?

Yes, we have two (plus DH, haha). A big part of the problem is that they will both come to me and get annoyed while I'm helping the other one. Like I'll be helping Kid 1 with something and Kid 2 will start just harassing me about needing something else, and in the meantime my DH is off in the background, seemingly oblivious to this. And he doesn't seem to get that being harassed by Kid 2 while I'm trying to finish something with Kid 1 is stressful! It makes me feel a bit crazed.

He wants me to always come to him directly when this happens and make a custom request ("I am helping Larlo with this stuck zipper but Larla can't reach the peanut butter, can you help her with that?") and I feel like he should just be a little more in tune to things that are happening right around him and consider just saying "Hey Larla, Mom's in the middle of something -- can I help you?"

Instead what will happen is I'll ask him to do it, he'll act aggrieved at the interruption, and then two minutes later when I've finally dealt with Kid 1's zipper, DH will pop his head and say "Do you know where the peanut butter is, I can't find it."

Aaaaaaaaargh. I cannot.

OP, I'm laughing but I'm also feeling super triggered by your post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saw this on Instagram and thought of this thread:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CVMCG2Drvn3/?utm_medium=copy_link

My takeaway is that women REALLY need to stop telling each other that this situation is their fault for failing to properly incentivize/educate their husbands into being equal partners. This is on men, and is clearly a deeply entrained cultural problem. If you have a partner who truly does half, you are simply very fortunate. Not smarter or a better wife/mother. Just statistically really effing lucky.

I also think many women just accept the inequity and choose not to be upset by it. Which is its own kind of accomplishment. But being willing to accept unfairness is just not in everyone’s DNA. I also think these days women get sold a bill of goods about equitable marriages with kids. Our mothers knew they’d do it all. It was explicitly explained to them. We were surprised. Often the people lying to us about how equal it will be are our own husbands. I’ve seen it with mine. He wants to be a full partner. He works at it. I think he mostly feels he succeeds. But he simply does not understand what he’s not doing. When I tell him he’s skeptical. He’s also dismissive of the importance of things like making sure the kids have clothes that fit, or thinking critically about how one child is struggling with a behavioral issue and doing research and working with teachers to address it. He’ll acknowledge these things are important, but it is clear he doesn’t think they are important enough for him to participate at all.

The “Mental Load” comic by Emma someone posted upthread describes this very well.

When it comes to comments like this, I often think the real problem isn’t the husband, it’s just that the family is too busy. I think the women are motivated to suffer so they can have a 2-career family and kids, and the men just start to realize they didn’t know what they were getting into and the 2-career family doesn’t seem like the best idea but their wife is making them, so they just coast along as best they can.

No, it’s that we were told that our ticket to independence and freedom was to work for pay. So a generation of women went to work and came home to find everything at home waiting for them. We were told we could have it all, but what that really meant was do it all. I don’t know how we change this dynamic and get men to see all of the small tasks that we take on all day long.

[Anonymous]

Solution: be chosen childfree! Win. Win. Total equality.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. EX!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Solution: be chosen childfree! Win. Win. Total equality.

Nope. My first husband, with whom I did not have kids, was lazy and uninvolved at home. The dog was all my responsibility, the laundry was mine to do, cooking, cleaning, you name it. Hence, why I left him. My husband now, with whom I have two kids, does more than I do in every area of our lives (work, kids, house, dogs). He's amazing and I am SO much happier and more fulfilled in my life than I ever was before. Win win!

[Anonymous]

Baseball bat. Video game console. Stat.