My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? If older than 3-4, this is an issue that you need to work on with them. You need to get them to try to solve their own problem first before coming to you.
“Where’s my Lego Batman?”
“Where have you already looked?”

“Can I have a snack?”
“Sure. Help yourself. You know you don’t need to ask to take something from the snack shelf.”
“But I want a grilled cheese.”
“Grilled cheese is a lunch. We will eat lunch in about an hour. I’ll make grilled cheese then. In the meantime, please grab something from the snack shelf to tide you over.”

“I’m BORED. There’s nothing TO DO.”
“I have lots of things to do. Let me give you a cup of warm soapy water and a rag and you can clean the stair railings. I bet your rag will be really dirty after that!”

It works. Give your kids more agency and they will interrupt less!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's fine, but he's not doing it. So the physical manifestation of you not working when he's not working may cause him to reexamine what exactly he contributes to the household. Or maybe you'd rather complain.

No, it won't. I'll spare everyone the details, but I know this for a fact.

I was not complaining. I was observing that the mental load is not easily transferred or fixed.

The next time the mother of grown children walks out on her husband, you can reasonably assume that he was not improving her life enough to make the extra work worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework. But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.

OMG this is like me and my DH. I guess I need to follow your example. I've even verbally pointed it out to him "I am standing here cooking and making tomorrow's lunches and you are sitting down doing nothing" and he still doesn't seem to get it or at least doesn't know what to do to help.

I'm PP. Seriously, give the sitting a try. I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing if everyone else isn't doing the same but once I did it and he could literally see that I wasn't moving, it caught his attention. I hope it works for you!

NP with some questions. For the PP who just started sitting down when your DH was sitting, did you verbalize anything to him? Or wait for him to pick up on it? Or wait for the kids to meltdown about hunger before pointing out the obvious (that you were both sitting and no one was making dinner)?

For the other PP, this is what is driving me insane. He doesn’t even know how to help. I have to delegate everything. “We’re making lunches. Go get the lunch boxes. They’re literally in front of you. Fill some water bottles. If they’re not in the drawer, where might they be?” I mean, seriously!!

[Anonymous]

OP - I could have written your post. And I lose my mind when DH says, "Since you are always so tired, you should go to the doctor or take some vitamins." @#&$(%*!

Have you seen this? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

[Anonymous]

I am also the default parent in that I do almost all of the planning, clothes shopping, camp sign up, making doctor appointments, buying school supplies, packing lunches, planning play dates, sports team sign ups, etc. I often wonder if I died how my kids will ever get new clothes and if they'll make it on to the correct sports team or camp.

BUT, my husband is still 50/50 in implementation, in fact it's sometimes even more, meaning he does the drop offs, pick ups, fills out the school forms, goes to the dentist appointments, stops by the store, prepares dinner, etc. For us, the key is that I have to handle the details, but if i tell him "baseball practice is at 10 am at this park", he can pack the baseball bat and water bottle and get the kids in the car and go. So, I think this is a different issue than being the primary parent.

This issue is more related to husband being checked out in the day to day. And not being in tune to the fact that wife is struggling. If I were to say "I'm having a really a hard time concentrating because the kids keep interrupting!" my husband would understand that means he needs to do something. This is a communication and responsibility issue with the husband and wife. It's not about being the primary parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

Secondly, are y’all still sexually attracted to them after this constant display of selfishness, negligence, and incompetency???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That's fine, but he's not doing it. So the physical manifestation of you not working when he's not working may cause him to reexamine what exactly he contributes to the household. Or maybe you'd rather complain.

No, it won't. I'll spare everyone the details, but I know this for a fact.

I was not complaining. I was observing that the mental load is not easily transferred or fixed.

The next time the mother of grown children walks out on her husband, you can reasonably assume that he was not improving her life enough to make the extra work worth it.

Amen. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman needs to understand that she is, 95% of the time, ALWAYS going to be the primary parent even if you have a nanny.

This.
Don't plan on depending on help from your spouse, no matter how pro-kids you think they'll be. No matter what they say. Once reality of parenting hits, most men seem to follow the path of OP's DH.

No wonder we don’t want to have sex with them anymore.

It’s almost Mother Nature saying: do not get pregnant again with your delinquent mate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework. But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.

OMG this is like me and my DH. I guess I need to follow your example. I've even verbally pointed it out to him "I am standing here cooking and making tomorrow's lunches and you are sitting down doing nothing" and he still doesn't seem to get it or at least doesn't know what to do to help.

I'm PP. Seriously, give the sitting a try. I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing if everyone else isn't doing the same but once I did it and he could literally see that I wasn't moving, it caught his attention. I hope it works for you!

NP with some questions. For the PP who just started sitting down when your DH was sitting, did you verbalize anything to him? Or wait for him to pick up on it? Or wait for the kids to meltdown about hunger before pointing out the obvious (that you were both sitting and no one was making dinner)?

For the other PP, this is what is driving me insane. He doesn’t even know how to help. I have to delegate everything. “We’re making lunches. Go get the lunch boxes. They’re literally in front of you. Fill some water bottles. If they’re not in the drawer, where might they be?” I mean, seriously!!

I'm PP who sat down. I didn't say anything at first, just started staring at my phone as he was. (I turned the stove off first - pro tip!). When the kids would ask a question I'd just ignore them, like he had been doing. It didn't take him long to look up at me and ask what was going on. I said oh, I thought this was sitting time, since that's what you were doing. It took him a minute and then he said, what should I be doing? And I said I don't know, what should you be doing? So he got up and realized that I had been doing ten things at once and he chipped in and helped me finish everything. My kids were 6 and 7, so not babies, and I knew they'd survive a few minute experiment. Now he will sometimes still go sit down but he'll often first say "I emptied the dishwasher and filled the dogs' water and washed the water bottles and I don't see anything else that needs to be done - is there anything I can do?" Or sometimes he'll end up zoning out and then hop up and apologize. He's not perfect, nor am I. I just want an equal partner to share life's load, and he acknowledged that he hadn't been doing that and now he is much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework. But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.

OMG this is like me and my DH. I guess I need to follow your example. I've even verbally pointed it out to him "I am standing here cooking and making tomorrow's lunches and you are sitting down doing nothing" and he still doesn't seem to get it or at least doesn't know what to do to help.

I'm PP. Seriously, give the sitting a try. I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing if everyone else isn't doing the same but once I did it and he could literally see that I wasn't moving, it caught his attention. I hope it works for you!

NP with some questions. For the PP who just started sitting down when your DH was sitting, did you verbalize anything to him? Or wait for him to pick up on it? Or wait for the kids to meltdown about hunger before pointing out the obvious (that you were both sitting and no one was making dinner)?

For the other PP, this is what is driving me insane. He doesn’t even know how to help. I have to delegate everything. “We’re making lunches. Go get the lunch boxes. They’re literally in front of you. Fill some water bottles. If they’re not in the drawer, where might they be?” I mean, seriously!!

I'm PP who sat down. I didn't say anything at first, just started staring at my phone as he was. (I turned the stove off first - pro tip!). When the kids would ask a question I'd just ignore them, like he had been doing. It didn't take him long to look up at me and ask what was going on. I said oh, I thought this was sitting time, since that's what you were doing. It took him a minute and then he said, what should I be doing? And I said I don't know, what should you be doing? So he got up and realized that I had been doing ten things at once and he chipped in and helped me finish everything. My kids were 6 and 7, so not babies, and I knew they'd survive a few minute experiment. Now he will sometimes still go sit down but he'll often first say "I emptied the dishwasher and filled the dogs' water and washed the water bottles and I don't see anything else that needs to be done - is there anything I can do?" Or sometimes he'll end up zoning out and then hop up and apologize. He's not perfect, nor am I. I just want an equal partner to share life's load, and he acknowledged that he hadn't been doing that and now he is much better.

I’m the PP who asked. This is fantastic. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

One thing my husband and I do is make sure we're checking in with each other about our activities. We have a toddler and an elementary-aged kid. So we are constantly checking in to see that parent A might be giving kids a bath while Parent B is doing dishes and just keeping each other accountable.

We both love playing video games but the only time we play is when the baby is napping/asleep or the other parent agreed to be point person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework. But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.

I’m going to try this and sit with him on the couch on my phone while the kids do whatever and the house is a mess after work.

He’s an aspie so not sure it’ll work…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why y’all marry these men.

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework. But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.

I’m going to try this and sit with him on the couch on my phone while the kids do whatever and the house is a mess after work.

He’s an aspie so not sure it’ll work…

Mine would be like "Yay, my wife finally understands how stupid and pointless it is to clean the kitchen ever at all."

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I take a day or two off from house work and see if anyone comments on the state of the kitchen or the laundry, but no one really notices unless they are out of clothes tk wear. Once I refused to pick up anything from the floor for a few days and DH eventually commented on why there are socks all over the floors (but he didn’t pick anything up).

[Anonymous]

This always makes me think of "A Room of One's Own" by Virginia Woolf.

It's hard sometimes to even complete a thought with the constant interruptions. I have difficulty getting time to read a text message sometimes, let alone a book, and it IS exhausting and frustrating.

I understand now why so many mothers knit or quilt. It's the kind of thing that you can do for a few minutes at a time, put down, then come back to, and eventually come back to something completed.