To visit dying father or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who have experienced dementia are saying she should go. How great that one pp presumes only she had experiecne with a dying parent who had demenentia.
I would not change a thing about being there for my dad. He had dementia. Dementia is not all the time not remembering anything.
It is full of lucid moments and recognition. In hospital, my dad's face lit up with the biggest grin when my DH showed up to see him. DH was working overseas and came. My dad knew who we all were, on and off. He knew to tell my teen DD who was there all the time, that he loved her the most of all of his girls, and he had two daughters, and that he is telling us to always make sure we treat her as his princess.
The goodbye is for you, op! And for you dad, but mostly for you.
Do you know what happens when you don't really see a loved one before death? Or close to it?
You don't really understand that they are gone. You wake up in the middle of the night and think about something you will ask or talk about and only then, when you wake up, you remember that you loved one died.
Many of us who live far away understand this.

+1 I agree with you. My FIL has dementia. Don't get me wrong, it is a horrible, horrible, horrible disease. But there are moments of grace. And I wouldn't miss one second of the time he has spent with us (he lives with us) through it all. I think OP should go visit her dad no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always regret not saying goodbye to your father

Not necessarily. The sad goodbye is not for everyone. Particularly when the “person” inside the body may no longer be home.

My aunt was in supposedly in a coma but when I went in to see her and held her hand and spoke to her, she opened her eyes and gave me the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen. Hearing is the last sense to go. I am so grateful that I went to see her. Your father might hear your voice op and give you one last beautiful smile.

Please consider this, OP.

PP, I'm glad to hear that you had this beautiful moment with your aunt during what sounds like a very difficult time.

[Anonymous]

What’s the nearest hotel? Is there one within 2 hours away?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. So sorry. How is your relationship with your sister? Can she be a buffer and give you some time alone with your dad?

I would go.

My mom died from dementia. It was heartbreaking on every level. But I was with her the day she died and I have so much peace about her death because of it. She was delusional and mostly speaking gobbledygook at the end, and lost her ability to swallow, but she could smile. And in the end, I told her many things about what a good mom she was (she was not a good mom, actually, but she had a lot of trauma in her past and she did try to be a good mom) and told her how much I loved her. She always had terrible depressions and suicidal Katy and was always so hard on herself, and one point during her final hours, her eyes were loses and I was petting her forehead and I said, “I wish you knew how much I love you” and her eyes snapped open and she said…VERY slowly and deliberately, “I. Know. How. Much. You. Loved. Me.” And then she took my hand and closed her eyes again.

It was the first grammatical sentence she had said in weeks.

It was last thing she said to me and I will treasure it forever. My brother, in contrast, didn’t come and said he did t want to see her like that. For me, I was gifted a treasure I never expected.

You never know. I will wish you moments of peace and grace.

[Anonymous]

As many others have said, I think you should go alone and stay a couple hour away. Focus on your own good-bye.

I did want to suggest that you could "include" your child by having them make a card or decorations before you go for your father. You could hang them up and you could facetime with your child to let them say good bye to their grandfather. That way, you can manage the interaction and reduce any negative impact on your child. Your child will be happy that they got to say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As many others have said, I think you should go alone and stay a couple hour away. Focus on your own good-bye.

I did want to suggest that you could "include" your child by having them make a card or decorations before you go for your father. You could hang them up and you could facetime with your child to let them say good bye to their grandfather. That way, you can manage the interaction and reduce any negative impact on your child. Your child will be happy that they got to say goodbye.

Excellent way to incorporate the kids! Please do go say goodbye to your father. It's better to regret going than not going. And as PP mentioned, he may have a moment of lucidity when he hears your voice (especially because it's been so long). Hugs to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

I think I would not visit. I’d FaceTime. Let your kid send a card.

This. I saw my father up until the day before he passed. He had no idea who I was. The end looks really awful. I don't want to trigger anyone so I won't go into graphic detain, but I did it without my kids. One sibling who saw him less than I did made me out to be a terrible person for not bringing kids. She brought hers and they did not sleep for days and she had to get the older one therapy. I kid you not.

My mom tried to scapegoat me too. I could write a novel on that too. It's like this strange psychology nobody talks about. How a mother could turn her rage and frustration with dementia on an adult child and verbally beat them to a pulp. It is more common than you think but it's like this well-kept secret and you feel so alone until you find others who experienced it.

Do what works for you. Ignore the guilt trips on here and from others. You are allowed to love your dad the way you want and you are allowed to show your love to him however you want.

Also, in case your mom gets psycho post-death about the right way to pay respects...you are allowed to honor his memory however you like. Nobody gets to control that.

Take care of yourself and welcome to the sisterhood that sucks. You are not alone!

This is the biggest bs ever. Custom is there for a reason, so shit people like you can’t reason their way out of their obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. So sorry. How is your relationship with your sister? Can she be a buffer and give you some time alone with your dad?

I would go.

My mom died from dementia. It was heartbreaking on every level. But I was with her the day she died and I have so much peace about her death because of it. She was delusional and mostly speaking gobbledygook at the end, and lost her ability to swallow, but she could smile. And in the end, I told her many things about what a good mom she was (she was not a good mom, actually, but she had a lot of trauma in her past and she did try to be a good mom) and told her how much I loved her. She always had terrible depressions and suicidal Katy and was always so hard on herself, and one point during her final hours, her eyes were loses and I was petting her forehead and I said, “I wish you knew how much I love you” and her eyes snapped open and she said…VERY slowly and deliberately, “I. Know. How. Much. You. Loved. Me.” And then she took my hand and closed her eyes again.

It was the first grammatical sentence she had said in weeks.

It was last thing she said to me and I will treasure it forever. My brother, in contrast, didn’t come and said he did t want to see her like that. For me, I was gifted a treasure I never expected.

You never know. I will wish you moments of peace and grace.

😢