To visit dying father or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

It's easy to say that but interacting with her is always very distressing. Our last interaction ended with her threatening me because I didn't buy into her Qanon conspiracy theories.

She has several friends with autism but that's really not the same. My dad looks dreadful and can't even talk.

OP, It sounds like you don’t want to go. Then don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

+1 This is about your dad, OP. Get over yourself and your attitude towards your mother. Go see your dad because it is the right thing to do. Stay in a hotel. This isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

It's easy to say that but interacting with her is always very distressing. Our last interaction ended with her threatening me because I didn't buy into her Qanon conspiracy theories.

She has several friends with autism but that's really not the same. My dad looks dreadful and can't even talk.

Grow up. You don't want to see your dad because he "looks dreadful and can't even talk"??? Really? You sound 1000 times worse than your mom. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

OP having been there, it will be ok whether you go to say goodbye or not. Don't go out of guilt or "It's your dad you HAVE to go" as some other posters have so rudely put it.

He's not there as you say (and I know). If the visit will traumatize you if won't do anyone any good. When we went through my child was older (12) but he was able to vocalize at a point that he no longer wanted to see my mother. He knew she was gone. I respected that. It's a little harder being younger and him asking, but he will be ok.

10 hours is a long way with no options for staying elsewhere. Whatever you decide, just know that it is ok and you aren't a horrible person. I feel like you need permission to do what's best for all of you.

[Anonymous]

If you’re asking whether you should go, you probably should. Otherwise, I think you’ll regret it later. It won’t be a pleasant visit, but you’ll have a clear conscience knowing that you made the effort to see him.

I think you should go by yourself, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

This!

[Anonymous]

You go Op. Only you.

[Anonymous]

So you’re not going to see your father because you have issues with your mother? You’re punishing yourself and your father…because of her?

Either you love your dad and want to say goodbye to him, or you don’t. Your mom has nothing to do with that. Either your dad abused you, or he didn’t. Your mom has nothing to do with that.

Go the first day alone, and come back with your kid if you feel it would be OK.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

[Anonymous]

Go alone. My kids watched a grandparent die of dementia for years. The actual last few weeks were horrific. They'd go in the room for a minute but it was too much and would wait in the hall for me to visit or Dad would step out and be with them while I visited as she basically lived there except to sleep at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

[Anonymous]

I think since you are asking a part of you wants to go, so go. Are you able to coordinate going when your sister is there to help act as sort of a buffer between you and your mother?

As for your son, you can do a facetime with him, ad have him do some drawings that you take with him.


sorry OP,, losing a parent is hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

I think I would not visit. I’d FaceTime. Let your kid send a card.

This. I saw my father up until the day before he passed. He had no idea who I was. The end looks really awful. I don't want to trigger anyone so I won't go into graphic detain, but I did it without my kids. One sibling who saw him less than I did made me out to be a terrible person for not bringing kids. She brought hers and they did not sleep for days and she had to get the older one therapy. I kid you not.

My mom tried to scapegoat me too. I could write a novel on that too. It's like this strange psychology nobody talks about. How a mother could turn her rage and frustration with dementia on an adult child and verbally beat them to a pulp. It is more common than you think but it's like this well-kept secret and you feel so alone until you find others who experienced it.

Do what works for you. Ignore the guilt trips on here and from others. You are allowed to love your dad the way you want and you are allowed to show your love to him however you want.

Also, in case your mom gets psycho post-death about the right way to pay respects...you are allowed to honor his memory however you like. Nobody gets to control that.

Take care of yourself and welcome to the sisterhood that sucks. You are not alone!

[Anonymous]

What a question op. Of course you should go see your father. Just bcs your mom is a biatch doesn’t make him not your dad!
Tbh, it sounds like you are finding excuses not to inconvenience yourself. Maybe you are more like your mom than you think?

[Anonymous]

Surely there is a nearby town with a motel even an hour away, or Airbnb. I don’t believe that there is nowhere to stay for 100 miles.