To visit dying father or not

[Anonymous]

People who have experienced dementia are saying she should go. How great that one pp presumes only she had experiecne with a dying parent who had demenentia.
I would not change a thing about being there for my dad. He had dementia. Dementia is not all the time not remembering anything.
It is full of lucid moments and recognition. In hospital, my dad's face lit up with the biggest grin when my DH showed up to see him. DH was working overseas and came. My dad knew who we all were, on and off. He knew to tell my teen DD who was there all the time, that he loved her the most of all of his girls, and he had two daughters, and that he is telling us to always make sure we treat her as his princess.
The goodbye is for you, op! And for you dad, but mostly for you.
Do you know what happens when you don't really see a loved one before death? Or close to it?
You don't really understand that they are gone. You wake up in the middle of the night and think about something you will ask or talk about and only then, when you wake up, you remember that you loved one died.
Many of us who live far away understand this.

[Anonymous]

Is there $$ at stake here? will you lose an inheritance if you enrage your mother by not going? If not, do NOT go. It is not worth the emotional damage. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should visit, I think you will always regret it if you dont. And no I don’t think your child will be traumatized.

[Anonymous]

I'd go without kids.

[Anonymous]

You should go, but not your child. I hope you can find an AirBnB somewhere.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

As someone with a parent with severe dementia and a parent who can be verbally/emotionally abusive (not to the degree OP’s mom is though), I think you should go see your dad one last time. Say your goodbyes, hug him, tell him in person you love him. Even if he doesn’t recognize you or seem to know you’re there, even if your mom is horrible to you when you are there, even if it’s really unpleasant and uncomfortable and traumatic.

Don’t take your kid. Have your kid make a card or some art work for your dad, FaceTime w your kid while there maybe. But don’t take your kid. She’s too young to go and since you haven’t seen him in 2 years, she probably doesn’t really remember him anyway or her memory of him is so different than how he is now that she won’t understand. I have a 4 yr old and 6 yr old who still see my parent with dementia but we live only an hour away and they’ve been consistently seeing their grandparents throughout grandmas decline with dementia so they somewhat know what to expect, know that grandma is sick and may say or do something upsetting or may be feeling bad and not want to see them when we go. As hard as it is my kids see her often enough that they are used to it at this point and I think they understand that she’s sick and can’t control much of what she says/does. I think if they hadn’t seen her in 2 years, it would be too traumatic for them to see how much she’d changed in 2 years.

[Anonymous]

I agree you should go without your child first.

I personally would go once without child and once with child.

[Anonymous]

I would go solo. Stay at a hotel, even if there is a longer commute. You can go and visit your Father, talk to him, let him know that you love him. Leave, drive a bit a way, cry, and drive back to the hotel.

If you bring your child, bring your husband and rent two cars. That way you have an exit for him if he is upset. You can prepare him before hand that Grandpa might not recognize him and is not talking right now but that Grandpa still loves to hear people talk and sing and tell jokes. Follow your child's lead during the visit. If he gets upset, then he leaves with Dad and goes back to the hotel with a stop for ice cream or something special.

But take care of yourself by staying some place else and providing yourself with some self care outlets where you stay. If your child is with you, find a fun activity that you can do as a family. If your child is not with you, find a place to get a great meal or a mani/pedi.

Saying good-bye is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always regret not saying goodbye to your father

Not necessarily. The sad goodbye is not for everyone. Particularly when the “person” inside the body may no longer be home.

My aunt was in supposedly in a coma but when I went in to see her and held her hand and spoke to her, she opened her eyes and gave me the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen. Hearing is the last sense to go. I am so grateful that I went to see her. Your father might hear your voice op and give you one last beautiful smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father has rapidly progressing dementia and is on his way out. The last time we saw him in person was Thanksgiving 2019 when he was still doing well. Now he's completely nonverbal.

I really feel like we should visit, but:

1. We haven't been in contact with my parents since January because of my mom's abusive behavior (my whole life but it got even worse after the election). All our info is coming from my sister. My mom already blamed me for his dementia and said it was because I shocked him and stressed him out by telling them about my miscarriages. His big downturn came after we stopped contact and I know she'll have blamed me for it. The grief and guilt is bad enough without her basically accusing me of killing him. I can't handle that.

2. Our 5yo really wants to see him and is very sad he's not doing well, but I'm worried that seeing him like this will be traumatic. I know seeing my grandmother suffering from Alzheimer's in the nursing home was really traumatic and upsetting for me. Not to mention exposing her to more of my mom's abusive behavior towards me.

What would you do?

I guarantee the mom's "abusive behavior" is being a Republican and not sharing OP's debilitating hatred for Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always regret not saying goodbye to your father

Not necessarily. The sad goodbye is not for everyone. Particularly when the “person” inside the body may no longer be home.

My aunt was in supposedly in a coma but when I went in to see her and held her hand and spoke to her, she opened her eyes and gave me the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen. Hearing is the last sense to go. I am so grateful that I went to see her. Your father might hear your voice op and give you one last beautiful smile.

+1. DH’s father died from Alzheimers and DH was so glad to be there at the end. He held his hand and told him what a great father he was and that it was okay to go.

[Anonymous]

My MIL went to see FIL before he died from Alzheimers. He had been unresponsive other than breathing but he opened his eyes and reached for her. She told him that she loved him and it was okay. He died later that day.

[Anonymous]

You go. Drive in and out from the nearest airport, same day if necessary. Don't put up with your mom's nonsense but don't let her take away the chance to say goodbye on your own terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

Woah, that was a response. Way to bring your own baggage to a question. I asked because OP had asked what she *should* do we were all speculating on what OP *wanted* to do. I just wanted to know.

However, your response kind of makes me glad OP hasn't said anything.

LOL. My "baggage" is that people need to own up to their responsibilities, like honoring your father and mother. That includes visiting a dying father regardless of the fact that he won't "know" it because of his dementia. People like you, PP, make me weep for our society.

I weep for a society that honors abuse. People like you are what's wrong with this society, where abuse is held in high esteem. That's what you're doing here and what you're arguing for. You're what's wrong.

Her dad was not an abuser. She claims her mom is abusive but gives no information to back that up. IMO she is being lazy and wants to be validated about it. I can't imagine being so lacking in character as OP but she is what she is and apparently she isn't embarrassed to claim it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL went to see FIL before he died from Alzheimers. He had been unresponsive other than breathing but he opened his eyes and reached for her. She told him that she loved him and it was okay. He died later that day.

Sweet story.