To visit dying father or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father has rapidly progressing dementia and is on his way out. The last time we saw him in person was Thanksgiving 2019 when he was still doing well. Now he's completely nonverbal.

I really feel like we should visit, but:

1. We haven't been in contact with my parents since January because of my mom's abusive behavior (my whole life but it got even worse after the election). All our info is coming from my sister. My mom already blamed me for his dementia and said it was because I shocked him and stressed him out by telling them about my miscarriages. His big downturn came after we stopped contact and I know she'll have blamed me for it. The grief and guilt is bad enough without her basically accusing me of killing him. I can't handle that.

2. Our 5yo really wants to see him and is very sad he's not doing well, but I'm worried that seeing him like this will be traumatic. I know seeing my grandmother suffering from Alzheimer's in the nursing home was really traumatic and upsetting for me. Not to mention exposing her to more of my mom's abusive behavior towards me.

What would you do?

Go and stay in a hotel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will always regret not saying goodbye to your father

Not necessarily. The sad goodbye is not for everyone. Particularly when the “person” inside the body may no longer be home.

[Anonymous]

My father died a few years ago after a tough decline with Alzheimers. Of course you should go see him. And I'd take the kid too - my youngest can't really remember my dad before his illness, but he enjoyed spending time with him even when he was in really rough shape. They would sing together sometimes, and all the staff and patients in the memory care facility seemed delighted to have a happy little boy around.

[Anonymous]

Go alone, OP. Make the visit short, so that you don’t need to deal with your mother any longer than necessary. Find an AirBnB or hotel in another town. Don’t linger.
This is not a situation for small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

Woah, that was a response. Way to bring your own baggage to a question. I asked because OP had asked what she *should* do we were all speculating on what OP *wanted* to do. I just wanted to know.

However, your response kind of makes me glad OP hasn't said anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

Woah, that was a response. Way to bring your own baggage to a question. I asked because OP had asked what she *should* do we were all speculating on what OP *wanted* to do. I just wanted to know.

However, your response kind of makes me glad OP hasn't said anything.

LOL. My "baggage" is that people need to own up to their responsibilities, like honoring your father and mother. That includes visiting a dying father regardless of the fact that he won't "know" it because of his dementia. People like you, PP, make me weep for our society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

Woah, that was a response. Way to bring your own baggage to a question. I asked because OP had asked what she *should* do we were all speculating on what OP *wanted* to do. I just wanted to know.

However, your response kind of makes me glad OP hasn't said anything.

LOL. My "baggage" is that people need to own up to their responsibilities, like honoring your father and mother. That includes visiting a dying father regardless of the fact that he won't "know" it because of his dementia. People like you, PP, make me weep for our society.

If she could visit dad without seeing mom, I’d agree — but it sounds like a mother who blames the child for dads death doesn’t need to be “honored” by said child. That feels like self flagellation.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any local siblings -- maybe if they have been doing most of the heavy lifting -- they would appreciate seeing you and even spending some time with you.

Same for other relatives -- aunts, uncles? Watching your parent slip slowly away is so hard -- but can be made easier with extra support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you want to do? Not should, want.

Wrong. She needs to go because it is what she should do. Enough with this thought that people only have to do what they want to do. OP has a responsibility to show up for her father. If she doesn't do that then she is a complete failure as a person.

Woah, that was a response. Way to bring your own baggage to a question. I asked because OP had asked what she *should* do we were all speculating on what OP *wanted* to do. I just wanted to know.

However, your response kind of makes me glad OP hasn't said anything.

LOL. My "baggage" is that people need to own up to their responsibilities, like honoring your father and mother. That includes visiting a dying father regardless of the fact that he won't "know" it because of his dementia. People like you, PP, make me weep for our society.

I weep for a society that honors abuse. People like you are what's wrong with this society, where abuse is held in high esteem. That's what you're doing here and what you're arguing for. You're what's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself if you will regret not even attempting a visit. Who knows, crazy mom may be have a sane day when you visit. Regardless, gray rock her and say your goodbyes to your dad.

[Anonymous]

Geez, this really brought out the meanies.

OP, it sounds like your dad is past the point where your visiting or not will make a difference to him.

You need to decide what will feel best to you. If I were in your situation, I'd think about what feels best for you, and act accordingly. Others' opinions are irrelevant.

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this. Some of us just got dealt very challenging parents.

[Anonymous]

Im im a similar situation, only it’s my sibling who’s mentally ill and taking care of our ailing parent. They not vaccinated (because of my sibling who has irrational beliefs about the vaccine). Now that cases are down, i plan to visit once my youngest is vaccinated. My sibling and i were close, but they have undiagnosed mental illness and will not get help. Paranoia, delusions, erratic, manic behavior, not unlike schizophrenia. Underneath that all is my only sibling. We were once best friends. I think about our late mother and it’s clear I must go. But it is a hard decision.

[Anonymous]

OP too bad people who have not experienced dementia and death get to comment on your situation.

What does saying good bye really mean when person has severe dementia?

For him, your relationship with your Dad over the last few years is what matters. He knows.

For you, only you know.

If you go, do not bring your child.

[Anonymous]

Just because your father can't talk doesn't mean that he doesn't know that you are there. Just something to consider

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP having been there, it will be ok whether you go to say goodbye or not. Don't go out of guilt or "It's your dad you HAVE to go" as some other posters have so rudely put it.

He's not there as you say (and I know). If the visit will traumatize you if won't do anyone any good. When we went through my child was older (12) but he was able to vocalize at a point that he no longer wanted to see my mother. He knew she was gone. I respected that. It's a little harder being younger and him asking, but he will be ok.

10 hours is a long way with no options for staying elsewhere. Whatever you decide, just know that it is ok and you aren't a horrible person. I feel like you need permission to do what's best for all of you.

I would not be able to live with myself not visiting my dad to say goodbye.

Stay in a hotel 2 hours away. I am sure there must be a hotel within 1 hour.

Op is just making excuses.

My dad has dementia too. Every time I see him, I feel depressed, sad and upset but I still go and see him.