To visit dying father or not

[Anonymous]

My father has rapidly progressing dementia and is on his way out. The last time we saw him in person was Thanksgiving 2019 when he was still doing well. Now he's completely nonverbal.

I really feel like we should visit, but:

1. We haven't been in contact with my parents since January because of my mom's abusive behavior (my whole life but it got even worse after the election). All our info is coming from my sister. My mom already blamed me for his dementia and said it was because I shocked him and stressed him out by telling them about my miscarriages. His big downturn came after we stopped contact and I know she'll have blamed me for it. The grief and guilt is bad enough without her basically accusing me of killing him. I can't handle that.

2. Our 5yo really wants to see him and is very sad he's not doing well, but I'm worried that seeing him like this will be traumatic. I know seeing my grandmother suffering from Alzheimer's in the nursing home was really traumatic and upsetting for me. Not to mention exposing her to more of my mom's abusive behavior towards me.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

You should go see him on your own. Once they are in that state, despite how much they love their grandchildren, I believe their deepest feelings are for their children. Despite how remote he seems, he more likely to know who you are than a grandchild. And you'd be doing it for you. I find it hard to believe a 5-year-old, who hasn't seem since he was a 3-year-old, really cares that much about seeing their grandfather.

[Anonymous]

I should add they live 10 hours away so it's not like we can just drop in for an afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Can you see him without seeing your mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

[Anonymous]

1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Well, you sure shouldn’t stay at their house. No way. Too intense for the kid on multiple levels, too miserable for you.

For yourself, some people do well saying goodbye in person, others not so much. I think you have to ask yourself if you will be able to see past the “distressing disguise” to the person you still love. This can be harder for family who are coming back into the picture after an absence than for those who have been there all along and hence have had an opportunity to grieve multiple small losses rather than being confronted with one big one all of a sudden. But if you can deal with it, it might help you be more peaceful when the end comes. And the PP who said that demented people still connect with their children long after they’ve lost the ability to do that with others is correct.

As for the five year old, it is a tough call. It might help her adjust or it might terrify her. If you’re going to take her, she’s going to need a lot of preparation.

And, all that said, it’s better for some people to remember loved ones as they were, particularly when going to visit involves a 10 hour trip each way in covid time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

This. Have no questions or regrets. Don’t let the relationship with your mother prevent your grieving your father and saying goodbye best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

I think I would not visit. I’d FaceTime. Let your kid send a card.

[Anonymous]

Can't speak to the mother thing except to say I'm sorry you're dealing with that; it sounds awful. I see you said their aren't hotels locally -- any options for an airbnb?

I don't think the five-year-old will be traumatized if you prepare them for the fact that grandpa is very sick and probably won't recognize them. Speaking as someone who was always expected to visit and be kind to elderly relatives regardless of their infirmities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

Having friends and acquaintances with disabilities is not the same as visiting a loved one dying of dementia. Can't speak for OP but when I was a child, the only disabled person I interacted with was my friend's brother with DS who always tried to beat the sh!t out of me. It wouldn't be strange for a 5 year old to not know anyone with a noticeable disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

I think I would not visit. I’d FaceTime. Let your kid send a card.

OP. My husband thinks we should just send a card and some drawings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you see him without seeing your mother?

No. She works from home and doesn't have any outside activities she does so they're both always at home. Plus there aren't any hotels near them. We've always stayed at their house.

no airbnb or vrbo? Even if it's a little more expensive, I'd do it rather than staying in the house.

[Anonymous]

You will always regret not saying goodbye to your father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. The visit needs to be about your father, not your mother. Who cares what she thinks or says.

2. He will not be traumatized… is he not exposed to people that may be “different” from him?

Go see your father and stay at a hotel.

It's easy to say that but interacting with her is always very distressing. Our last interaction ended with her threatening me because I didn't buy into her Qanon conspiracy theories.

She has several friends with autism but that's really not the same. My dad looks dreadful and can't even talk.