My boyfriend has a "Friend"

[Anonymous]

So just found out my boyfriend, who lives out of town, has a "Friend" who seems to be having a great deal of influence on him. It is a woman, older than him by >10yrs. Works with her so sees her everyday. Got a chance to scroll through his phone and there is an inordinate amount of text between them, and not just during work hours. Nothing in particular about the text that is inappropriate, talk of movies and TV Shows and sometime me. She never says bad thing concerning me, actually seems rather encouraging at times. These text start the second they leave work and go on through the evening and end with them saying good night. He has to be texting her at the same time he is texting me. I am just blown away by this. I can't say in particular what is wrong with this but my gut tells me something is very wrong here. I also know he is in contact with her even when he is seeing me and found text where they were in contact even when she was out with another guy. So not just text but phone calls and some other chatting in another app that I don't know the name of. Am I paranoia?

[Anonymous]

He is contacting her way too much for it being a "friend".

I get some people watch a TV show (since you mentioned it) live/at the same time and want to discuss it, but usually that talk is either for the duration of the show or 10 minutes after both people have watched it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is contacting her way too much for it being a "friend".

I get some people watch a TV show (since you mentioned it) live/at the same time and want to discuss it, but usually that talk is either for the duration of the show or 10 minutes after both people have watched it.

It isn't that. It is more about, did you watch the latest episode, what did you think of it, a discussion about it, other moves/shows similar. Harmless but enormous volume of it and late into the night. While texting me at the same time. I wonder if he just needs the contact cause I am not closer?

[Anonymous]

Why do you have a boyfriend who lives out of town?

Also, ya'll text too much. All of ya'll.

[Anonymous]

Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

+1

If I'm texting with my wife anyhow, I'm likely to send other texts (in fact, its the only time I'd initiate a text conversation) with others just because.

It does sound like the total volume is a little troubling. It implies that he doesn't feel like he has other people to talk to about certain issues. It could be something in your relationship (maybe you two are bad at small talk?) or he could not have a good group of male friends. I doubt he has any intent of having an affair, but obviously if he ends up feeling the friend is the only person who understands him in the world and other things get bad in his life, it could end up like that. But I don't think its in your interest to confront him or force him to cut her out, since that will make the problem worse. If you are worried, your options are to break up with him or to try to address the underlying issues (e.g. you two finding more similar interests to talk about, him spending more time with close guy friends, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

Oh that would be fine but there are so many other conversations when he isn't talking to me. Or conversations that start before he is texting me, continue while texting me and continue after texting me. If just seems a little bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is contacting her way too much for it being a "friend".

I get some people watch a TV show (since you mentioned it) live/at the same time and want to discuss it, but usually that talk is either for the duration of the show or 10 minutes after both people have watched it.

It isn't that. It is more about, did you watch the latest episode, what did you think of it, a discussion about it, other movies/shows similar. Harmless but enormous volume of it and late into the night. While texting me at the same time. I wonder if he just needs the contact cause I am not closer?

It takes hours to discuss one show? What shows are these that are so in depth?

Someone else further down has a valid point about multitasking (in this case, texting other people at the same time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

+1

If I'm texting with my wife anyhow, I'm likely to send other texts (in fact, its the only time I'd initiate a text conversation) with others just because.

It does sound like the total volume is a little troubling. It implies that he doesn't feel like he has other people to talk to about certain issues. It could be something in your relationship (maybe you two are bad at small talk?) or he could not have a good group of male friends. I doubt he has any intent of having an affair, but obviously if he ends up feeling the friend is the only person who understands him in the world and other things get bad in his life, it could end up like that. But I don't think its in your interest to confront him or force him to cut her out, since that will make the problem worse. If you are worried, your options are to break up with him or to try to address the underlying issues (e.g. you two finding more similar interests to talk about, him spending more time with close guy friends, etc.)

I don't know if I should have or not but I asked him about her. In a very friendly, non-accusatory way. She is some super successful person at the company, he is levels below her in the company, that they just have a bunch of things in common and she is single too. Compared to her I look like a real slouch career wise and accomplishments. Ok I know that is a little down on myself and I should be saying "He is dating me, not her" but why so much conversation,connection between them. He doesn't call her his best friend just a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is contacting her way too much for it being a "friend".

I get some people watch a TV show (since you mentioned it) live/at the same time and want to discuss it, but usually that talk is either for the duration of the show or 10 minutes after both people have watched it.

It isn't that. It is more about, did you watch the latest episode, what did you think of it, a discussion about it, other movies/shows similar. Harmless but enormous volume of it and late into the night. While texting me at the same time. I wonder if he just needs the contact cause I am not closer?

It takes hours to discuss one show? What shows are these that are so in depth?

Someone else further down has a valid point about multitasking (in this case, texting other people at the same time).

It isn't just about a show but that's how it starts and then goes off into other thing that end up with saying goodnight to each other. There is just something very intimate about it that I can't put my finger on. I can't show you one text where you would say "inappropriate" or "sexting", but there is a level of intimacy that is just alarming.

[Anonymous]

Does he have guy friends? How much does he text them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have guy friends? How much does he text them?

Not a lot of guy friends and not a lot of other texting going on, other than with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

+1

If I'm texting with my wife anyhow, I'm likely to send other texts (in fact, its the only time I'd initiate a text conversation) with others just because.

It does sound like the total volume is a little troubling. It implies that he doesn't feel like he has other people to talk to about certain issues. It could be something in your relationship (maybe you two are bad at small talk?) or he could not have a good group of male friends. I doubt he has any intent of having an affair, but obviously if he ends up feeling the friend is the only person who understands him in the world and other things get bad in his life, it could end up like that. But I don't think its in your interest to confront him or force him to cut her out, since that will make the problem worse. If you are worried, your options are to break up with him or to try to address the underlying issues (e.g. you two finding more similar interests to talk about, him spending more time with close guy friends, etc.)

I don't know if I should have or not but I asked him about her. In a very friendly, non-accusatory way. She is some super successful person at the company, he is levels below her in the company, that they just have a bunch of things in common and she is single too. Compared to her I look like a real slouch career wise and accomplishments. Ok I know that is a little down on myself and I should be saying "He is dating me, not her" but why so much conversation,connection between them. He doesn't call her his best friend just a good friend.

If I had a chance to have a good texting relationship with someone several rungs above me at my company I would definitely take advantage of it. And I don't think guys are that impressed by career success in terms of dating strategy (see long and often offensive DCUM thread on whether guys date women with unimpressive jobs). The volume does seem a little weird to me. I don't see what's in it for his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posssible other explanation as a guy.. If I'm texting with a person who is my g/f, then I don't mind having other conversations with others as I'm sitting at the phone waiting for her to respond. Maybe it's timed based on that.

+1

If I'm texting with my wife anyhow, I'm likely to send other texts (in fact, its the only time I'd initiate a text conversation) with others just because.

It does sound like the total volume is a little troubling. It implies that he doesn't feel like he has other people to talk to about certain issues. It could be something in your relationship (maybe you two are bad at small talk?) or he could not have a good group of male friends. I doubt he has any intent of having an affair, but obviously if he ends up feeling the friend is the only person who understands him in the world and other things get bad in his life, it could end up like that. But I don't think its in your interest to confront him or force him to cut her out, since that will make the problem worse. If you are worried, your options are to break up with him or to try to address the underlying issues (e.g. you two finding more similar interests to talk about, him spending more time with close guy friends, etc.)

I don't know if I should have or not but I asked him about her. In a very friendly, non-accusatory way. She is some super successful person at the company, he is levels below her in the company, that they just have a bunch of things in common and she is single too. Compared to her I look like a real slouch career wise and accomplishments. Ok I know that is a little down on myself and I should be saying "He is dating me, not her" but why so much conversation,connection between them. He doesn't call her his best friend just a good friend.

If I had a chance to have a good texting relationship with someone several rungs above me at my company I would definitely take advantage of it. And I don't think guys are that impressed by career success in terms of dating strategy (see long and often offensive DCUM thread on whether guys date women with unimpressive jobs). The volume does seem a little weird to me. I don't see what's in it for his friend.

There is hardly any texting involving work at all. I am not sure what she is getting out of it. He ask her all sorts of questions and the advise she gives him I can see him doing exactly what she is telling him to do. From minor things to what doctor to use to things like what he should do concerning things involving me. The other thing is most of these text are initiated by him to her. Once he text her, then it is on with the back and forth. I also found a 3hr phone call to her while he was driving to see me. Hung up just as he got here. He could have been on the phone with me but he wasn't.

[Anonymous]

From a female: This seems very odd and I get the fact that it bugs you. Can't put your finger on it but it seems wrong. Sort of like "I can't define porn but I know it when I see it". Is he infatuated with this woman, is she leading him on in some way and doesn't realize it? That volume of text could be leading him on alone. How long have you been dating, how long has he known her?