Guidance Needed - ADHD kid, family life, struggling to get on same page with DH
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Anonymous
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Okay folks, I need some guidance. My 7yo son is ADHD. Unfortunately our lives are not set up in a way to accomodate his needs well. In the ideal world we'd have mom and dad with two 9-5 jobs, no travel, and the routine every day would be the same. But we don't. I have a 9-5 job but also travel. DH works from home, goes to grad school PT, and also occasionally travels. I feel like I am constantly harping on routine and trying to make things as consistent as possible and DH says he hears me but from my perspective is either fucking clueless or lazy or both. I feel like I am ALWAYS the one trying to figure out the schedule for the week, keep things running smoothly and DH lives in his own world. When we have weeks like this where he is in class on a Monday and traveling on Tuesday and Wednesday things devolve into a fucking nightmare when I try to hand off responsibility to him. All week I've gotten both kids up and left the house by 7:30. 7yo goes to camp, baby goes to daycare. No problems. Today, I had an 8am meeting so asked DH to handle morning routine. While he was happy to do it, he slept in until 8:15 and didn't get the kids out the door until 9. EPIC. FUCKING. FAIL. 7yo devolves into a fit of mess - I don't want to go to camp!!! - which I ended up witnessing b/c I forgot something and met DH at camp after my meeting to get it from him. Our son was crying hysterically, chasing him out the door. Mortifying for him and for us.
Now, my perspective is that this is the result of the change in his routine. DH thinks I am being unfair. "I didn't know what you were doing all week!" Um, okay. He is aware that I can't just waltz into work at 10am, so to me it seems logical to me that he should have known I was getting the kids out the door much, much earlier than he did. I've called you on your trip both days at 8:30 and communicated that I was on my way to work after dropping both kids off. I feel like it's a catch-22. If I try to tell him, hey, this is the routine/schedule, he acts like I'm being a controlling bitch. If I don't tell him, I guess it's my fault that he didn't know how I'd been handling the routine all week. To top it off I want to have 7yo tested for dyslexia. DH thinks I am "overreacting." To me he has all the hallmarks. Reading below grade level. Difficulty sounding out words and understanding that every letter makes specific sounds. Difficulty spelling. Constantly avoids reading and complains about how hard it is. Difficulty remembering words he recently learned. Difficulty recalling simple addition and subtraction math facts he has been practicing over and over and over all year long. Letter reversals, transpositions, etc. DH says "I didn't like school at his age," and "lots of kids his age struggle with this." My perspective on that - who cares? What he or I were like in school as kids is of no consequence. I don't care about lots of kids. I care about MY kid. I just want to know one way or the other so we know what help he needs. Gah! What should I do? My thought is that we need a meeting for the two of us every weekend where we plan out the coming week, the schedule, the routine, and chart it out visually so 7yo can understand it and knows what to expect. But I suspect DH will do what he always does - say yeah, great idea, and then not really follow through, end up leaving it all to me, and then making me feel like a control freak for trying to be the one who keeps it all together for the best interest of our kid. I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of being the one who thinks about this shit all the time. |
Anonymous
| Family meeting--same time every week. Let your spouse know and calendar at the ready. It will take several attempts to make this happen. |
Anonymous
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Who diagnosed the ADHD? Do you having a professional treating/prescribing for it? If so, I would suggest that you and DH sit down with that professional to discuss the trouble you're having. Develop a routine at that meeting. At least for my DH, advice coming from a professional means so much more than the same advice coming from me.
ADHD and dyslexia are often co-morbid, so I agree with your instincts to get him evaluated. If your family dynamics are like mine, I'd recommend just going ahead and doing it. My DH is often slow to acknowledge that there's a problem, but he almost always comes around once I get a professional on my side. |
Anonymous
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Have you considered that your husband may have ADHD as well? Even if he didn't, you guys need to figure out a system that works for everyone. It needn't be all YOUR way, but everyone needs to be bought in.
Agree with the 2 PPs advice re a family meeting and also getting some professional help. ALso make liberal use of electronic reminders that go to you and your spouse both, not just the one in charge a particular morning. |
Anonymous
Good question but honestly, I think if either one of us has ADHD it's me. I recognize my tendencies. I have all kinds of systems set up to deal with it. It's why I'm a stickler for routine. Without it I am lost, a mess, anxious. Days like today make me want to fucking scream. Honestly, I think DH is lazy. "It's summer." "Can't we just relax a bit?" "Does everything have to be so regimented?" "This is not how summers were for me as a kid." Guess what, bub? It's not 19 fucking 84. Our lives are vastly different than our parents'. If you'd like to hustle and get a job that doubles your salary so I can stay home then yeah, we can fucking relax. Otherwise, no. It's like, do you think this is GOOD for our kid? Does he look fucking relaxed to you while he's hysterically crying and running away from his camp counselors? And yes, you're right, it doesn't all have to be my way, but I think the reality is if I don't put my foot down and insist that we're just fucking doing it my way, it won't get done. And the chaos will continue. And my resentment will grow. I will try to negotiate a plan with his input, but I'm not super optimistic. |
Anonymous
| Get your kid tested, first and foremost, then you can move forward with your husband. My husbands report cards from elementary school (yes, his mother kept everything) show a child with the same symptoms our DD and DS had with respect to learning disabilities, only they were labeled as such then, he was just a problem child. The earlier you get the proper help for your child the fast the "executive management skills" can become a part of his daily routine, at least that was my experience. DS is thriving in college and DD is on top of everything in school and even keeps her own calendar. Be positive and good luck! |
Anonymous
| "weren't labeled" |
Anonymous
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Does your DH have ADHD? He sounds similar to mine, which is why I'm asking.
I handle the organization and schedule in our family because my DH uses up all his ability to be organized on work and has nothing left over at home. He can, with practice, implement a schedule that I have created. He cannot just pick one up and figure out how to make it work on his own without a whole lot of trial and error, and an ADHD kid combined with his own lack of skills makes it a monster of a mess. My DH acknowledges his weakness in this area though, so he's not fighting me. He also understands how important routine is for our ADHD kid, even if he struggles with implementing it on his own. I use my DH as my sounding board. When we're trying to scaffold for our kid so he'll remember his water bottle, like we've been working on Every Morning Of His Life Since He Was 5, I brainstorm ideas with my DH. I may implement our ideas - write up a note card, put an empty water bottle in front of the door, put a water bottle in the lunch sack, etc - my DH is the expert consultant. I think that helps us feel more like equals. I'm not all on my own, my husband is helping, he's just helping in the way he's uniquely able to. I also can't implement a lot of changes all at once. I have to build habits in the entire family. Times of the year like this, where there's the transition from schools to camps, it's going to be hellish anyway as everyone adjusts and learns the new routine. Be patient with yourself. Have a meeting with your DH and brainstorm ways to approach this. Make sure he agrees with how important routine is. |
Anonymous
Good questions. A psychologist diagnosed through observation, counseling and electronic testing. Because life is so crazy we'd gotten out of the routine of going to her, plus she felt like he was doing well during the school year (and he was, he was doing GREAT) so she didn't need to see him as often. So it went from monthly to oh yeah, we haven't seen her in a while. I'm going to call her and schedule a monthly appointment for the two of us and for 7yo too. And yes, I'm going to ask her to evaluate him for dyslexia or refer us to someone who can. I said to DH from the time our kid was 3 that he was going to be diagnosed ADHD at some point, and I was right about that. He's my baby. I carried him. I KNOW when something is not right. I'm not sticking my head in the sand like a GD ostrich while he suffers and falls behind. |
Anonymous
Thanks, PP. THe bolded really speaks to me. I work FT and have to be super organized at work given what I do, and I manage a staff, so I'm just so god damned tired of doing it at home too. It feels like I am ALWAYS on the clock, managing something for someone. It would be so awesome if DH could handle this at home. But yeah, I don't see that happening. Honestly, we need the psychologist to help us get our shit together as much as we need help for DH. I going to snap soon. Oh and yes, I HATE, HATE, HATE summer vacation. I wish the US would move to year round school. It'd be so much better for everyone. |
Anonymous
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I also handle the organization in our house and I am the parent who takes responsibility for making sure everything runs smoothly. Doesn't mean I do it all, just that I coordinate it all.
I think it's harder at your kids' ages because you have to be more hands on. So, just wanted to let you know that it gets easier. In the meantime, some things that I did/do: 1. Everything has a place and everything gets put in that place every single time. Shoes and whatever else is needed to get out the door (coats, backpacks, etc) are stored on shelves right beside the door. We actually got rid of our kitchen table and always eat in our formal dining room to assist with organization and systems 2. Every night, everything for the morning got done and I did it. Lunches packed. Clothes laid out (I actually did this once a week and kept the clothes in a bin in my bedroom). Backpacks packed. In cold weather, I actually even went to far as to put everything in the car because it was cold enough for lunches. 3. Medication was laid out in a pill box that is kept on the kitchen counter. 4. Each night, I wrote a schedule on an erasable white board. So, there was never a question for anyone as to what time someone needed to get up. Following the schedule on the whiteboard became the routine - there was no need for everything to be a routine. Things don't happen the same way in my house everyday either. So, you have to create alternative routines. That's all I can think of right now. |
Anonymous
Thanks, PP. How did you coordinate it all? I.e. I know these things need to be done, but if I expect to get DH to help, how do I make it part of his routine as well? |
Anonymous
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+1 to the PPs who suggest your DH might be ADHD also. The fact that you recognize a need to be organized and can implement systems to do so, and don't like it when things fall apart actually suggests to me that you are not ADHD rather that you are suffering from living with ADHD that is improperly medicated or compensated for.
In the short-term, I would focus on getting a full neuropsych for your kid, both for ADHD and dyslexia. Getting that appointment and getting the report back can take several months. So make the appointment today! Second, I would focus on getting some help. You and your husband have a lot on your plate (work, baby, travel, school), and, short term it's not unreasonable to get some kind of babysitter to help out in the morning or evening. Hopefully that person could be responsible and organized and carry out your directions in a way that DH seems not to be able to. Sucks not to be able to rely on him more, but it may be easier to farm out what you would normally expect him to do. Frame it in terms of the fact that you need help if you are going to be able to keep your job -- not showing up for a meeting on time is a career killer. And, of course, you value his schooling, etc. I think your husband will not respond well if you say to him that you think he has ADHD. Instead, I would wait until the neuropsych is done. Usually whoever does the assessment will meet with and orally explain the results. Explain to the neuropsych ahead of time about your concerns about DH. Let him/her know that it would be helpful if, as part of his explanation about DD, he could focus on what are the symptoms, how does it affect life, familial heredity, etc. It would be helpful if he explicitly asks if either of you have a family history of ADHD or if the symptoms sound familiar. He should explain how medications and habit/organizational systems can help. FWIW, I found that my (nowEx)DH recognized the symptoms of bipolar in himself once we began to educate ourselves on his mother's bipolar diagnosis. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to commit to treatment and medication, but that's a different thread..... If your DH does recognize ADHD, he does not need a full neuropsych to diagnose. But, he would do well to present to a psychiatrist that specializes in adult ADHD if he is going to consider medication. GPs can also diagnose and prescribe, but they do not have as much experience. And, you and your DH, might benefit from having an organizational coach who specializes in ADHD come in and help you establish systems and be the outside neutral 3rd party who monitors their establishment (instead of you being the nag). If your DH is resistant to the idea of ADHD, at least you can frame the organizational coach as a kind of career mentorship to keep your life from going off the rails during this period of juggling so many balls in life (kids, work, travel, etc.) Think of it like a maid or coach for the administrative/paperwork side of your life. |
Anonymous
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I echo the advice from 12:16. You DH sounds a lot like mine. He was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest (of 3) was diagnosed. It explained a lot. That was almost 13 years ago. While he's more amenable than your DH is, he struggles when I don't lay out a schedule/routine. Electronic calendars don't work for him (don't ask me why since he LOVES electronics) so we have a big piece of tile board (cheaper than a white board) where one side is the grocery list, the middle is the chore list and the other side is the schedule. I still keep everything on shared Google calendars so he can check on his smartphone and also get addresses/telephone numbers.
I see a big pay off in enforcing this for years. Two of my three kids have ADHD. The oldest is so much like DH and still struggles with lists/calendars/schedules but is getting better (particularly when motivated). My NT DD thrives with it and has become a mini-me. She reviews the calendar/schedule/lists with DH to make sure it's followed and adds things to them. My youngest with ADHD also likes it. He's not as good as his NT sister but he's got an anxiety component and understands managing to the calendar/schedule/list ensures things go smoothly. He, too, will remind DH about things on the calendar and independently work it. But, like I said, this was years in the making but so worth the effort. Good luck. Oh - forgot to mention, I concur with the PP that said having an outside professional tell your DH is far more effective than you telling him. Must be something about shelling out $100+ that makes it more believable. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I have ADHD and I strongly suspect my husband does as well. He's more organized at work than home and every time, I bring up the idea of a regular family meeting, he balks. He likes to do things on the fly. One of our kids has ADHD and now as a tween getting him to adhere to a schedule is increasingly more difficult. People with ADHD often don't have a good sense of time. If I don't intervene and try to let my DH prod our ADHD to get the bedtime routine started, it takes literally 1.5. The ADHD kid procrastinates, makes excuses, won't get away from the screen, wants a snack, takes forever in the bathroom. If I try to get the kid's butt in gear, my DH criticizes me and empowers the kid. It's a source of tension and makes our life more disorganized on a daily basis. We need to collaborate better. My one suggestion for you, is to use fewer words when trying to communicate with your DC or DH. Make the point, repeat the point. They're not paying attention for the details. |