Reply to Guidance Needed - ADHD kid, family life, struggling to get on same page with DH

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[quote=Anonymous]+1 to the PPs who suggest your DH might be ADHD also.  The fact that you recognize a need to be organized and can implement systems to do so, and don't like it when things fall apart actually suggests to me that you are not ADHD rather that you are suffering from living with ADHD that is improperly medicated or compensated for.

In the short-term, I would focus on getting a full neuropsych for your kid, both for ADHD and dyslexia.  Getting that appointment and getting the report back can take several months.  So make the appointment today!

Second, I would focus on getting some help.  You and your husband have a lot on your plate (work, baby, travel, school), and, short term it's not unreasonable to get some kind of babysitter to help out in the morning or evening.  Hopefully that person could be responsible and organized and carry out your directions in a way that DH seems not to be able to.  Sucks not to be able to rely on him more, but it may be easier to farm out what you would normally expect him to do.  Frame it in terms of the fact that you need help if you are going to be able to keep your job -- not showing up for a meeting on time is a career killer.  And, of course, you value his schooling, etc.

I think your husband will not respond well if you say to him that you think he has ADHD.  Instead, I would wait until the neuropsych is done.  Usually whoever does the assessment will meet with and orally explain the results.  Explain to the neuropsych ahead of time about your concerns about DH.  Let him/her know that it would be helpful if, as part of his explanation about DD, he could focus on what are the symptoms, how does it affect life, familial heredity, etc.  It would be helpful if he explicitly asks if either of you have a family history of ADHD or if the symptoms sound familiar.  He should explain how medications and habit/organizational systems can help.

FWIW, I found that my (nowEx)DH recognized the symptoms of bipolar in himself once we began to educate ourselves on his mother's bipolar diagnosis.  Unfortunately, he wasn't able to commit to treatment and medication, but that's a different thread.....

If your DH does recognize ADHD, he does not need a full neuropsych to diagnose.  But, he would do well to present to a psychiatrist that specializes in adult ADHD if he is going to consider medication.  GPs can also diagnose and prescribe, but they do not have as much experience.  And, you and your DH, might benefit from having an organizational coach who specializes in ADHD come in and help you establish systems and be the outside neutral 3rd party who monitors their establishment (instead of you being the nag).

If your DH is resistant to the idea of ADHD, at least you can frame the organizational coach as a kind of career mentorship to keep your life from going off the rails during this period of juggling so many balls in life (kids, work, travel, etc.)  Think of it like a maid or coach for the administrative/paperwork side of your life.  [/quote]

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