Guidance Needed - ADHD kid, family life, struggling to get on same page with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I have ADHD and I strongly suspect my husband does as well. He's more organized at work than home and every time, I bring up the idea of a regular family meeting, he balks. He likes to do things on the fly. One of our kids has ADHD and now as a tween getting him to adhere to a schedule is increasingly more difficult.

People with ADHD often don't have a good sense of time. If I don't intervene and try to let my DH prod our ADHD to get the bedtime routine started, it takes literally 1.5. The ADHD kid procrastinates, makes excuses, won't get away from the screen, wants a snack, takes forever in the bathroom. If I try to get the kid's butt in gear, my DH criticizes me and empowers the kid. It's a source of tension and makes our life more disorganized on a daily basis. We need to collaborate better.

My one suggestion for you, is to use fewer words when trying to communicate with your DC or DH. Make the point, repeat the point. They're not paying attention for the details.

This sounds familiar. Maybe DH does have ADHD, I don't know. I do know he's lazy. It makes me nuts. He'll sleep in until 10 or 11am on the weekends. It's like - um, hello? We've worked all week. We have grocery shopping to do, laundry to do, a house to pick up, yard needs to be mowed, etc etc etc. Meanwhile I've been up for three GD hours already and have fed and dressed both kids, done about 5-6 chores, and you're pissed that I'm asking you to get up? Sounds familiar on bedtime with the kiddo too. "It's summer." "What difference does it make when he goes to bed?" Um, because he's 7? And because he suffers when there's not a routine and clear expectations? And because when he goes to bed at 10pm or later there is literally ZERO time for the adults to have to themselves?

I just. . .fuck. I hear you guys, and I'll try to take your advice, but damn. Days like today I just want to run the fuck away and never come back.

[Anonymous]

My DH also has ADD. DC is graduating high school next week (also ADD). Both are on meds. It was great help to get DH tested and medicated. I agree with pps that your husband might have ADD. Your words are lost to him right now, he does not hear you and will not change. Will he be willing to see a doctor?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound exhausted and stressed. Any chance you can get away for a night or two - maybe just with the baby?

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I just. . .fuck. I hear you guys, and I'll try to take your advice, but damn. Days like today I just want to run the fuck away and never come back.

I hear you.

Can you take some time just for yourself? Put your own oxygen mask on first. Put your kid to bed tonight and don't do chores. Just curl up with a book or whatever you need to do for you.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP! This is so hard. My DH is adhd but only recognized once our DS diagnosed. He does help but I still have to monitor it all and always feel like a nag - even though he admits I have to.

I'm up at 4.15 am ( swim for other child) and I get coffe, unload dishwasher, start laundry, and make lunches. Often shower for work. Walk out door at 4:45 for 5 am swim. I'm organized and fast!! My DH gets up if I ask but he can only get dogs fed in that time!!!

DC definetly needs structure. I worked PT for years. It only gets HARDER as school work increases. Sorry but this is true. My DH totally gets it but he ( and I) have days where we lose it. I'm back full time and the $$ helps so much with tutor, therapist, now private school. Our DS is the love of our life and I will never give up. I joke that my tombstone will read " she never stopped trying." ADHD is real, it's brought me to my knees, years of teArs, challenged my marriage, drained my finances, but I Will fight to the end to help my child. Take it day by day and just accept you are his only advocate. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I have ADHD and I strongly suspect my husband does as well. He's more organized at work than home and every time, I bring up the idea of a regular family meeting, he balks. He likes to do things on the fly. One of our kids has ADHD and now as a tween getting him to adhere to a schedule is increasingly more difficult.

People with ADHD often don't have a good sense of time. If I don't intervene and try to let my DH prod our ADHD to get the bedtime routine started, it takes literally 1.5 hours. The ADHD kid procrastinates, makes excuses, won't get away from the screen, wants a snack, takes forever in the bathroom. If I try to get the kid's butt in gear, my DH criticizes me and empowers the kid. It's a source of tension and makes our life more disorganized on a daily basis. We need to collaborate better.

My one suggestion for you, is to use fewer words when trying to communicate with your DC or DH. Make the point, repeat the point. They're not paying attention for the details.

This sounds familiar. Maybe DH does have ADHD, I don't know. I do know he's lazy. It makes me nuts. He'll sleep in until 10 or 11am on the weekends. It's like - um, hello? We've worked all week. We have grocery shopping to do, laundry to do, a house to pick up, yard needs to be mowed, etc etc etc. Meanwhile I've been up for three GD hours already and have fed and dressed both kids, done about 5-6 chores, and you're pissed that I'm asking you to get up? Sounds familiar on bedtime with the kiddo too. "It's summer." "What difference does it make when he goes to bed?" Um, because he's 7? And because he suffers when there's not a routine and clear expectations? And because when he goes to bed at 10pm or later there is literally ZERO time for the adults to have to themselves?

I just. . .fuck. I hear you guys, and I'll try to take your advice, but damn. Days like today I just want to run the fuck away and never come back.

Time timers and visual schedules is where I'm going. You need one for your 7 year old and a "family" one with pictures of laundry, groceries, clean up, etc. Limit to 5. Clutter doesn't help the ADHD kid or adult.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered that smth has to change in your lives, maybe switch jobs to smth less hectic? I get you, OP, I really do. I too had a demanding job with lots of travel, DH has a high pressure govie job. But then our only DS got diagnosed with autism and we needed a stable routine. So I switched to a job with no travel, with remote delivery for most projects.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP- I want to commiserate. You have a lot of good advice already. My DS9 has ADHD and a meltdown if he thinks he is going to get out of something is pretty standard.
We don't have the public scenes much anymore, but I remember them well.
My DS's therapist recommended a whiteboard with a general routine written for the day. It helps all of us because I suspect that I have ADHD too, and it's a visual for what needs to happen. The whiteboard aspect means, of course, that we can make changes as needed.
I know it's stressful and your liberal cussing tells me we could be friends. Good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I am the organized parent in a 2 ADHD kid household with two working parents. I sometimes think of myself as an air traffic controller. If I don't keep my eye on everything, planes start hitting each other and falling out of the sky. And yeah, I'm ADHD (diagnosed and medicated), and DH is too ( not formally diagnosed) My kids are now 12 & 14. Which means that they take some responsibility too, but that there are many activities. I don't have anything earth shattering but:

1. Shared calendars! We have shared electronic google calendars and a whiteboard calendar in the kitchen. Kids and adults all access the family google calendar. Everyone can see what is the plan for the day. When someone looks at me with a shocked face, and says what do you mean the have a music recital tomorrow, as shrug and say, It's on the calendar. Likewise, if a kid fails to put something on the claendar, they may not get a ride, etc.

2. In this set up, kids must learn to take responsibility for themselves, ASAP. Getting themselves dressed, packing own lunches. Ready to leave at xxxx time in the morning with musical instrument, packed backpack and lunch in hand. It can be done, if you start the habit early with checklists. At some point (generally early middle school) the kids start working with and ADHD tutor each week. She goes through their academics and extracurriculars for the upcoming week with them, and helps them plan out completing projects, music practice, etc-- basically make a master plan for the week. Then they are responsible for keeping to it. So worth the $$.

3. When you delegate something, delegate it 100%. Honestly, that seems to be a big problem for you. If DH is getting the kids ready in the morning and dropping them off, let him do it, his way. You can't oversee from afar and you can't let him see you get upset because it is done differently from how you would do it. You can't show up at drop off and make sure they are on time, and you can't get upset that they are wearing a striped shirt with plaid shorts. And you can't step in and save the situation unless there is a genuine, 911 emergency. Your DH is an adult and a parent too, and deserves to be treated as such. The rule in our house: if you ask someone to do something, you can't criticize how they do it. You'll be amazed. The first week of drop offs will be a mess. And then when you stop stepping in to save the situation, your DH will learn to leave the house on early, double check that kids have lunches, etc.

4. Transition times (beginning of summer, beginning of school, etc) are a clusterf--- for ADHD kids and parents. Always. Kids will always be on edge and upset. Things will always go wrong and be overlooked. Expect it, try to keep your cool, try to have a sense of humor about it. Try to plan a date with DH, a massage or other stress reliever for yourr self, and remember it is only bad for a couple of weeks. Work hard during that time to get a routine in place that works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I really agree with PP's number 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also handle the organization in our house and I am the parent who takes responsibility for making sure everything runs smoothly. Doesn't mean I do it all, just that I coordinate it all.

I think it's harder at your kids' ages because you have to be more hands on. So, just wanted to let you know that it gets easier. In the meantime, some things that I did/do:

1. Everything has a place and everything gets put in that place every single time. Shoes and whatever else is needed to get out the door (coats, backpacks, etc) are stored on shelves right beside the door. We actually got rid of our kitchen table and always eat in our formal dining room to assist with organization and systems

2. Every night, everything for the morning got done and I did it. Lunches packed. Clothes laid out (I actually did this once a week and kept the clothes in a bin in my bedroom). Backpacks packed. In cold weather, I actually even went to far as to put everything in the car because it was cold enough for lunches.

3. Medication was laid out in a pill box that is kept on the kitchen counter.

4. Each night, I wrote a schedule on an erasable white board. So, there was never a question for anyone as to what time someone needed to get up. Following the schedule on the whiteboard became the routine - there was no need for everything to be a routine. Things don't happen the same way in my house everyday either. So, you have to create alternative routines.

That's all I can think of right now.

Thanks, PP. How did you coordinate it all? I.e. I know these things need to be done, but if I expect to get DH to help, how do I make it part of his routine as well?

OP, you'll probably hate when I tell you how I did this. I coordinated 100%. I was the one who made the space and designated places for everything. I get lunches packed, lay out the clothes, and get the backpacks packed. I either put the medication out or specifically ask that it be done and then check on it. I either wrote out the schedule or asked that it be done - but I did it with my kids so it was a joint effort.

I agree with what a PP said about getting your child involved as early as possible. For me that meant giving responsibility for seeing that everything was put away in its place. Also, I gave them full responsibility over homework - when, where and with what so long as it was done before they went to sleep. As time went on, I taught management of backpacks, independence of morning routine, etc. It took me longer to get my ADHD boys independent so I had to start things younger than I did with my NT daughter.

One last thing. I never had issues with transitions like a PP described. I think the dry erase board really helped with that. But, we move pretty effortlessly from school to summer and summer to school, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you always use such foul language? Seriously. Cleaning up your act on that front might help.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid with ADHD and one with anxiety and the best thing so far to get my DH on board is to bring him to the professionals. He understands better when he hears the reason for doing things and is more willing to try things.

[Anonymous]

I think taking the sting out of your obvious caregiving role is the place to start. You're not "a control freak," you're managing a kid the way he needs to be managed according to the doctors. Name calling and characterizing you as a big ol' drag ("It's summer.") is a nasty tactic to avoid dealing with the issue of DS's needs. I'd start there.

Then, DH goes to the next doc appointment to hear for himself what NEEDS to happen. Then, you two figure out your individual responsibilities and screw the whiteboard. It goes down in ink, a Sharpie preferably. What's his is his and, yes, you listen to the PP who advised a complete hand off. No oversight, no pitching in to help---none of that.

This is default parenting in the extreme. When the kids turn to you, that's one thing. When DH also turns to you or abandons you to all labor and decision making, that's just plain shitty.

Take a day. Make a plan. This is untenable.

[Anonymous]

Could you possibly swing a nanny or au pair? Then you could outsource some of the logistics to someone you can reasonably micromanage.