Guidance Needed - ADHD kid, family life, struggling to get on same page with DH
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Anonymous
Not OP- but some people find swearing to be cathartic. I swear some when I'm really upset- it eases some of the stress. If it bothers you a lot maybe this isn't the thread for you. |
Anonymous
| Hugs. It's though on all family members. Hang in there. We found incredible help with food and homeopathic remedies if you can. Kelly Dorfman is a nutritionist in the area and she has been really helpful managing the behavior through food and supplements. Dr Margaret Gennaro is also incredible. She's to practice pediatric medicine at Jewish Hospital in New York but is now homeopathic. Look up muscle testing before you make an appointment with her. If you remain open to the idea she's done miracles with my kids. Key with both is you have to follow through and stick with it for at least six months to see change. It's been amazing with all of us. Lastly if your kid has sensory issues that some time gets mistaken for ADHD is well. Check out McLean speech and language therapy. Offer something called AIT stands for audio integration therapy our whole family went through it and it changed our lives. All require time but well worth it. If you can only do one at a time I would say start with nutrition. Good luck just remember you're not alone. |
Anonymous
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For the dyslexia concerns - others on this forum had suggested a great book - Overcoming Dyslexia - which actually has a set of initial screening things to look for at different ages & also helps to refuse some myths (for instance, ADHD and dyslexia are NOT co-morbid - it's about the same overlap as any portion of the population). I have dyslexia myself and it helped me follow my DS's progression in learning to read & to talk to the reading specialists at his school as a first step to keeping a very close eye on it.
In general - we ended up getting an Au pair - which is expensive (although balanced out by some fewer camp & no aftercare expenses) - to keep our joint sanity. https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Dyslexia-Complete-Science-Based-Problems/dp/0679781595?ie=UTF8&hvadid=48103978128&hvdev=c&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvpone=&hvpos=1t1&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvrand=14865446603805489762&ref=pd_sl_7l9qqzcs6c_b&tag=googhydr-20 |
Anonymous
Forgot to mention, my DH does have ADD of some variety (understanding it's not a precise or uniform 'diagnosis')... it is a real challenge to figuring out all the household and child management |
Anonymous
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I also have a DH with ADD and a kid with dyslexia and a job with travel. My DH is much like yours when he is overwhelmed - he shuts down, and it really looks like laziness. He sleeps a ton, disappears to his man cave to play video games, all while I am madly trying to keep the balls in the air. It makes me crazy and very, very angry. It has gotten better as our one kid has gotten older and the demands of kid-care have gotten less all encompassing. Maybe part of what is up with your DH is the exhaustion early childhood years - you have a baby, right? Not that it helps anything, but it hopefully will get better with time.
Things we do: calendar on the fridge, and I add everything I can think of. We often stand in the kitchen together in the morning and look at it. DH always forgets to add his stuff, and so there is inevitably the times when he says "oh, I have to do x tomorrow," and we realize it conflicts with Y. He deals with his own fall out - I don't cover for him. But I do all the organizing of camps, playdates, make doctors appts, etc., and then DH schleps DS to them. And do get the dyslexia testing. As another PP said, dyslexia and ADHD are very often comorbid. My kid and I both have straight up dyslexia without the ADHD, and for me it was deeply hurtful and shameful and made my childhood pretty difficult. When I saw my son struggle in 1st grade, starting to say things like "I'm just dumb," "reading just isn't for me," "I'll never be a scientist because I can't do math," my heart broke. Dyslexia HURTS. My kid is older now, had a few years of tutoring, and is doing really well. Still dyslexic, but fabulous kid. I'm sure your kid is going to do great, too. So are you. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
| Also have DH with ADD. It is an added challenge -- where I have to be the super organized one and take on a much bigger share of the household burden (and I'm also the significantly higher/primary earner). It's not fair and I feel undermined a lot - particularly when I've worked hard to keep everything going & then he questions/second guesses or doesn't follow through on things he's agreed to do. Sadly, I've mostly just learned to accommodate life around it... like some PPs where I put together I schedule, we jointly found some added chores he could take on that weren't as kid related (even just things like him getting the dry cleaning instead of me - since eventually he's out of shirts and so will end up doing that! But he also took on doing our laundry at home too...). I do all the procurement of things for the kids, make sure they have all their things and clothes and all that other stuff... I just remind myself that overall I'd rather be in the relationship than not, even if it means I'm sort of like a half-single mom vs. in a functionally supportive co-parenting relationship. |
Anonymous
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I could have written your prior post. I still can't get DH on board, and assume most responsibility for home and kids because it is honestly just easier.
My recommendation would be to send the weekly schedule to DH in writing. Make sure he gets it and reviews it, or even print it out and hand it to him at the same time every week. Highlight visually anything you need him for, and get verbal confirmation of each one. I suspect my DH - either consciously or not - fumbles things in the hopes that I'll stop bothering him with them. So I make it clear I'm not going away. If he can't or won't help me set a routine, I do it for him. Good luck. It's sort of depressingly great to know you're out there with such a similar situation. |
Anonymous
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This is not directly related, but my #1 suggestion is to get both you and your husband an alarm to avoid leaving your baby in the car. Something like https://www.babyalert.info/baby-alert-products/childminder-systems/childminder-elite-pad-systems.html.
The highest risk situations for this are when routines change frequently and parents are distracted. Read Gene Weingarten's Pulitzer Prize winning piece on this if you want to have your heart broken. |
Anonymous
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I would LOVE to hear more about these checklists so kids can get themselves ready. I've tried, and it just didn't stick. Maybe b/c I too have ADHD and at that point it wasn't diagnoses or treated? LOL.
But seriously. What do you put on their checklists and what is the consequence for not being ready on time? I honestly think 9yo DD (ADHD) is missing the gene for hurrying. If I didn't watch her every moment she would be late to everything and be upset about it every time after we got there. Just doesn't seem to get that her actions have consequences. |