Mothers of boys only (aka daughterless moms)- what's it like?

[Anonymous]

This is my first and most likely only pregnancy as I'm AMA and I'm wondering how you get past the disappointment of knowing you'll never have a daughter? I'm so excited to be having a baby at my age at all, so this feeling has surprised me. So before DCUM jumps on me about being ungrateful, believe me I'm so grateful to be here at my age. But yet I still have this nagging feeling. My mom is deceased, so maybe that has something to do with the fact of just missing that mother-daughter connection. I have two brothers and I'm the only girl, and throughout my parents' health problems, both my brothers have been worthless and unreliable. They generally do their own thing and are self-serving, which is the opposite of me, I took care of my mom before she passed and am doing the same for my Dad now. I just can't help feeling that I would have had a lifelong friend in a daughter, and someone to look out for me, whereas with a boy, I feel like you can't baby them as much, we won't share the same interests (shopping, spa, etc) and that when they leave the house at 18, they'll be gone (at least that's how my brothers were). I imagined shopping with a girl, baking, etc, just having a pal. I can't imagine life with a little boy and it makes me sad to think they'll grow up and that closeness will be gone. I know part of this must be anxiety, but can anyone offer insight into this? Thanks-

[Anonymous]

Let yourself mourn, but listen.

One of the reasons you want a daughter so much is because it's the connection you know. What you don't know now, but will in a few months, is what the mother-son connection. IT IS AMAZING. I have both sexes, but I would have felt the way you do now if I were in your shoes. But now with a son I have been let in on a whole different relationship than I knew existed. It is strong and wonderful. Sons are devoted, funny, and none of the characteristics you have laid out apply (well, maybe the same interests thing, but honestly all kid interests are pretty dull.) They LOVE being babied, love to cook and make weird stuff out of everything. My connection with my son takes my breath away. Yours will too.

[Anonymous]

My boys were stolen by their ungrateful hate filled selfish ugly wives so now I never talk to them or see our grand children.

We don't cry about it though.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is me. I have two boys and I really really wanted a girl. My boys are totally stereotypical boys - lots of noise and roughhousing. My mom is also gone, and I'm sure this plays into it. It still makes me sad. Really sad, sometimes. the thing that helps me most is that life with two is much easier than life with three and that I'm really enjoying my kids as they get older in a way that would have been difficult with a younger sibling. I also had a very difficult time becoming a mom so I'm grateful for my boys, so grateful. I already have more than I once thought possible, so I concentrate on that.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the early stages of this myself, so certainly no expert. But I've also spent a lot of time thinking about my mother-in-law who has clearly felt a lifelong disappointment because she had three boys. In her case, she's really into "feminine" hobbies like cooking and sewing, and she was disappointed that she couldn't share them with her sons. And maybe she couldn't in the 1970s.

My current plan--again, in the early stages, as my son is only 2.5--is just to create the relationship that I want to have, regardless of sex. We currently cook and bake together a ton because all toddlers like that (and boy toddlers don't yet know that "it's only for girls"). I was taught to knit by an ex-boyfriend who was his mother's only child, and she was an avid knitter. I am now an avid knitter myself, and I plan to offer it as a hobby if my son is so inclined. I obviously won't force any of these things, but it seems that kids like to be invited to share in whatever their parents enjoy. (I also enjoy volunteering, politics, church, bicycling, and other less-gendered things, which I will share with my son.) The same thing could be true of reading or celebrity gossip or spa trips or hiking or whatever passions you have that you would want to share with a daughter.

I wonder if one of the reasons that daughters end up closer with their moms than sons is because moms foster those relationships better with their daughters (out of familiarity, presumably). Moms of only sons don't have any choice--if we want those intimate bonds, we've got to create them with our sons!

(Also, to be clear: I have no idea if my approach will work. It's just what helps me think about my life as the mom of a boy.)

[Anonymous]

relief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boys were stolen by their ungrateful hate filled selfish ugly wives so now I never talk to them or see our grand children.

We don't cry about it though.

Oh my.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the early stages of this myself, so certainly no expert. But I've also spent a lot of time thinking about my mother-in-law who has clearly felt a lifelong disappointment because she had three boys. In her case, she's really into "feminine" hobbies like cooking and sewing, and she was disappointed that she couldn't share them with her sons. And maybe she couldn't in the 1970s.

My current plan--again, in the early stages, as my son is only 2.5--is just to create the relationship that I want to have, regardless of sex. We currently cook and bake together a ton because all toddlers like that (and boy toddlers don't yet know that "it's only for girls"). I was taught to knit by an ex-boyfriend who was his mother's only child, and she was an avid knitter. I am now an avid knitter myself, and I plan to offer it as a hobby if my son is so inclined. I obviously won't force any of these things, but it seems that kids like to be invited to share in whatever their parents enjoy. (I also enjoy volunteering, politics, church, bicycling, and other less-gendered things, which I will share with my son.) The same thing could be true of reading or celebrity gossip or spa trips or hiking or whatever passions you have that you would want to share with a daughter.

I wonder if one of the reasons that daughters end up closer with their moms than sons is because moms foster those relationships better with their daughters (out of familiarity, presumably). Moms of only sons don't have any choice--if we want those intimate bonds, we've got to create them with our sons!

(Also, to be clear: I have no idea if my approach will work. It's just what helps me think about my life as the mom of a boy.)

Me again. I'm also an only child, so I have an innate assumption about parenting that the kid just tags along with whatever the parent likes to do. It seems like that's much easier with 1 kid than with 2+.

[Anonymous]

I remember feeling disappointed after finding the sex of my baby. My brother is also not close to my mom and I felt that all elder care fell on me. DH, on the other hand, is extremely close to his mom, and his brother fairly dotes on her. So you just never know. But I am taking notes of how my mom treats my brother vs. my MIL's treatment of her boys to glean lessons.

I will say, though, once DS arrived the thought of gender disappointment fairly flew out the window. He's an absolute delight and I never knew we'd be laughing most days until our faces hurt. Now that he's two I can't imagine life with any other child, girl or boy. He's this unique little person that defies a simple gender box.

Of course, there are plenty moments when he's running wild or climbing or otherwise engaging in crazy activities that make me wistful and jealous of my friends with well-behaved, neat girls. But he's also a snuggle bug who showers me with kisses and hugs and engages, and that makes it all worth it (mostly. we've put off upgrading our furniture and such b/c we can't have nice things now). I love that he wants to emulate his dad in everything and they share a special bond. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

I felt this when pregnant, and I felt it a little bit in the baby groups when a girl baby was wearing a really cute dress. But I don't ever feel it now, as a mom of boys. I have deep, rich, individual relationships with my children. There is no way in which I feel like our relationship would be more satisfying if they were female. If anything I feel like their difference has expanded me in a way that a daughter might not. (But I don't know - maybe I would feel it regardless).

FWIW, I think the amount of expectation that sometimes women put on their daughters (that she'll be their friend, go to the spa with them, be their "pal" as you put it ) can create a challenging dynamic, at least in the tween years (my kids' age). Looking in, I don't envy some of them.

[Anonymous]

I have two teenage boys and I love them dearly but I must admit I really wanted a girl. I have a special bond with my mom and sister that I will never get to have. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

It's so much fun but I never wanted a girl.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what it would be like to be a mother of a girl, so I don't fret too much about it. My son and I have very similar personalities, so we just get each other in a way that is so, so great. We can always make each other laugh and often I will know what he is going to say before he opens his mouth. He is close to DH, too, but in very different ways.

Will we always be close (he is 10 now)? I don't know. Having a girl is no guarantee of a good relationship later, so I am just enjoying raising him. I have plenty of other relationships that meet my needs for shopping, happy hour and girl talk.

[Anonymous]

These kinds of threads make me feel really sad. I know feelings are what they are, but all these notions (both by OP and PPs) suggest that boys and men are somehow lesser human beings than women. I'm not sure that it doesn't get subconsciously incorporated in how they are parented (I really hope that it doesn't). Whether or not your child is a boy or girl has NO bearing on their likelihood of caring for you in your old age, or being close with you generally. Seriously, it doesn't. These are all constructs, both social and personal based on your own life experiences, but they are not anything close to universal truths. Boys are just as valuable, just as precious, and have just as wonderful relationships with their parents as girls do.

[Anonymous]

(PP here who said I find this all very sad - full disclosure, I have two boys and don't plan on having any more children, and came from a family of four girls. I can assure you that girls are not always better, nor are their relationships with their mothers.)