I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

[Anonymous]

I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that silence like that is abuse. I'm a guilty party (not to the extent you posted here, but guilty nonetheless) and that really shocked and resonated with me. I vowed to not engage in that behavior anymore. Perhaps you could phrase it in some manner such as that that might snap him out of it?

[Anonymous]

It is immature, manipulative, and deeply unhealthy. I suggest counseling. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself. When he does this, do not engage. Ignore until he is ready to act like an adult again.

[Anonymous]

1. silence is not abuse, but it is sort of childish

2. how about not unnecessarily and preemptively criticizing him for something you admit was not serious?

[Anonymous]

If I don't respond to my wife it's usually because I'm angry and I'm worried that if I say anything, I'll fly off the handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. silence is not abuse, but it is sort of childish

2. how about not unnecessarily and preemptively criticizing him for something you admit was not serious?

-1

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.
Even if she did do something wrong (which it doesnt sound like she did), that doesnt make this reaction okay.

My husband gives the silent treatment also. It can go on for days. He will respond to electronic communication, I've found. It doesnt fix then problem but Ive found we can at least begin to resolve some of our arguments this way.

[Anonymous]

I usually give the "silent treatment" to my husband when he says something mean. Not that I am trying to abuse him but because I just need my space and am so darn mad and or hurt to speak to him at the moment.

What brings us back to normal is that he will sincerely apologize with a very sweet and gentle approach. Of course I sincerely apologize as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is immature, manipulative, and deeply unhealthy. I suggest counseling. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself. When he does this, do not engage. Ignore until he is ready to act like an adult again.

I can't stand a man who pulls that silent treatment crap. Extremely immature.

[Anonymous]

That is absolutely emotional abuse and is very toxic to a relationship. The message here is, "either comply with my preferences at all times, or you cease to exist. Only my needs and feelings matter." And the fact that he apologizes later means nothing. What is he doing to fix it for next time? Is he in therapy? Does he have a list of phrases or actions to use instead? If he's not actually fixing it, then he is telling you, that he KNOWS that this is cruel and innappropriate but he values his own comfort with the status quo over you feeling like you matter at all in the relationship. Next time, do not engage more than once. He goes into silent mode and you say, "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you need to be able to kindly communicate even when you are upset. We can talk about this behavior when you are ready to apologize." Then leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Nothing drives me over the edge like the silent treatment. It is extremely disrespectful to do this to your partner for hours on end.I dated a guy who used to do this, he was such a smug jerk and never apologized for anything. I'm so glad my DH is not like that.

[Anonymous]

Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like. He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy. You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You: You look annoyed. Are you angry with me? Would you like to talk about it? (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching. This is not a moment for kissy kissy. This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You; I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears). I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence. Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU: I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY


No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

[Anonymous]

I know two wrong doesn't make a right but in situations like this you mimic his behavior exactly the same. There's nothing powerful than seeing your own bad behavior live. In past and current relationship when I get frustrated I tell the guy you are the leader in this relationship, leaders lead by good examples. If you think your behavior strengthens our relationship then I'm following you step by step. Men don't like that but it works.
Also the silent treatment which I hate with a passion doesn't work well with me, I start to loose interest in the person. I ignore them and focus on
me and my happiness. I refuse to allow another person to drain my positive energy. I'm honest and I tell the guy how I feel about it. I have low tolerance for immature behaviors like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like. He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy. You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You: You look annoyed. Are you angry with me? Would you like to talk about it? (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching. This is not a moment for kissy kissy. This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You; I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears). I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence. Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU: I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY


No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

+1

I agree 100% that he needs to speak up and say "I just need to time to process", either while he's upset OR during a moment of calm, so you can each understand each other's cues. Due to an abusive childhood, I will often shut down during an arguement. This is especially since DH is the type to really lash out, so our conflict styles couldn't be more opposite.

I've spoken with my DH about it, so he knows that when I hit that point, it's not about him, it's about me. He knows now to just Give me a few minutes or a little while alone. He also needs it to get his tongue back hinged. That being said, that's a little different than the silent treatment.

Your DH needs to cope better when he's upset BUT you also need to learn to not provoke it by staying in his face about it. Why do you need to touch and kiss him when you see he's shut down? It's kind of hostile in its own right. Of course it's how you are reacting, but he's reacting differently, and you need to learn how to work together with each other's knee jerk reactions to conflict to find your middle ground.

Again, I don't disagree he is being a PITA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know two wrong doesn't make a right but in situations like this you mimic his behavior exactly the same. There's nothing powerful than seeing your own bad behavior live. In past and current relationship when I get frustrated I tell the guy you are the leader in this relationship, leaders lead by good examples. If you think your behavior strengthens our relationship then I'm following you step by step. Men don't like that but it works.
Also the silent treatment which I hate with a passion doesn't work well with me, I start to loose interest in the person. I ignore them and focus on
me and my happiness. I refuse to allow another person to drain my positive energy. I'm honest and I tell the guy how I feel about it. I have low tolerance for immature behaviors like that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I don't respond to my wife it's usually because I'm angry and I'm worried that if I say anything, I'll fly off the handle.

Then you should act like an adult and say "I'm extremely upset and need some time to alone." or something along those lines. My parents used to do the silent treatment to each other and I have never seen a more manipulative and immature way of acting in my life. Would you ever do this to friends or colleagues?