I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how you all arrive at the conclusion that expressing criticism is legitimate but being quiet in response is not.

Either one of them, taken to an extreme, can be very harmful. Either one of them, when not taken to an extreme, can be a reasonable way to deal with your emotional state.

This thread seems like a Rorschach test of personal communication preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how you all arrive at the conclusion that expressing criticism is legitimate but being quiet in response is not.

Either one of them, taken to an extreme, can be very harmful. Either one of them, when not taken to an extreme, can be a reasonable way to deal with your emotional state.

This thread seems like a Rorschach test of personal communication preferences.

Curious as to why you are saying he is "being quiet."

I'm on my iPad nearby while DH is puttering in the kitchen. That is being quiet. Being pissed and refusing to acknowledge the other person for hours is not being quiet. As others have said it is manipulative and passive aggressive.

Nothing wrong with needing a while to cool off if you are upset or angry. But that is different than this silent treatment BS.

[Anonymous]

Passive aggressive, just like my Household.

[Anonymous]

I'm married to someone who takes a similar approach to expressing anger or hurt, whether that's to be obnoxiously loud (slamming doors, banging pans) or eerily quiet (moping and passing in hallways without a word). In our case it has a lot to do with how he got attention growing up. He was a middle child in a family with a bunch of kids, too-young parents, and not enough attention to go around. He makes things as uncomfortable as possible for the people around him because that's what provokes a response. He also feels better when he spreads a bad mood; when his behavior finally cracks my usually patient demeanor, he suddenly perks up. I find myself walking on eggshells, much like it sounds like you do. I don't have any advice. I feel your frustration and I wish I had the insight to change both of our situations.good luck.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this. I end up goading him into an argument and we fight it out. Not sure which is better?

[Anonymous]

So let's break down the dynamic you are describing here:

1) Any time you do anything that displeases him, including things that, as described are utterly innocuous to an objective observer, he punishes you
2) Sometimes that punishment is a screaming rage that sounds frightening to be around
3) other times that punishment is a refusal to acknowledge your existance, which goes on for days
4) After an episode, he apologizes but claims that it's just how he is (aka refuses to take responsibility for his actions)
5) he has actively avoided changing anything about this pattern

You are married to an abuser. This is manipulative behavior at its worst and the obvious goal is for you to be afraid at all times of displeasing him, so that your own needs and emotions are no longer even part of the equation. DTMFA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't say he shuts down whenever I criticize him. I said he shuts down whenever I say anything that bothers him. Sometimes that is something critical. But often it is a something so subtle that only he even know what it is (and I find out only later). He goes silent because.... He felt that I wasn't listening to him carefully enough when he said something to be while I was juggling two pots of boiling liquid on the stove. Or because i asked someone else for her opinion on a subject on which he feels he is an expert, thereby, to him, suggesting that I do t respect his expertise. Or because he said "let's go do Such and such" and I said "I'd rather not, could we do that tomorrow?"

That's part of the problem. I can't predict what will set him off. Sometimes he is cheerful and resilient and self-aware. Other times something that seems completely random will send him into a surly withdrawal for days.

I have gotten better at doing what a PP suggested- just saying, "ok, I see you're upset about something," I'm happy to talk when you're ready but for now I'll do do something else."

Problem is, often that just prolongs the sulk because then he feels abandoned! If I "really cared" I wouldn't just go off and do things without him.

When not in a sulk, by the way, he says things like "I know this is not a good way to respond, I'm sorry, I get trapped on my own emotions and j do t know how to break out," and he promises to go get therapy. (He also has intermittent explosive rages where he yells and threatens to walk out. These are his two "upset" modes: silence or screaming. But he has so far seen three counsellors and found some reason to ditch each one after one or two sessions. (The shrink talked about herself too much. The shrink rescheduled an appointment. The shrink pushed meds and he doesn't want meds." Etc.

And yeah, I am seeing a counselor myself, on the "you can't change another person, you can only change how you respond to him" theory.

I'm just really frustrated. He's a wonderful partner much of the time, funny and loving and smart. But when somethingsg triggers him, all bets are off.

Your examples make him sound pretty narcissistic. Cant take mild criticism and gets offended that you asked someone else for advice? It sounds like he has issues beyond simply not knowing how to handle conflict in a mature way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

If you said to me what you said to your husband in front of others, I would have felt and reacted very similarly. You could have easily pulled him aside and said it in private.

[Anonymous]

Op your husband sounds like a total nightmare. I would be out of there like a bat out of hell. Days long silent treatment for random slights, angry rages, alternating with sweetness and apologies? No thank you. You deserve to be in a household where you are not on eggshells all the time.

And, if he really did believe his behavior was wrong it would end after an hour or so, not days. And he would not punish you for going off and doing your own thing while he acted like an overgrown 2 year old.

Do you have kids? If so you don't want them to learn this is an ok way to treat someone. If not, great, get out before you do.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I did say it in private. Hours later, and I only brought it up when he brought up the same joke again during an until-then cheerful conversation. I laughed, then said something like "but you probably shouldn't say that in front of a group of the kids friends, they might take it wrong." That was it. And he didn't just get "quiet." He stopped speaking to me and Looking at me. Would not answer questions.-- not even "are you mad?" Or "do you need some time?" Would not acknowledge me at all, in any way. For hours. It's crappy.



me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how you all arrive at the conclusion that expressing criticism is legitimate but being quiet in response is not.

Either one of them, taken to an extreme, can be very harmful. Either one of them, when not taken to an extreme, can be a reasonable way to deal with your emotional state.

This thread seems like a Rorschach test of personal communication preferences.

Think about it this way: how would you react to a coworker who did this? You said "Sally, can we work together on X" or "I think we should have the meeting in person rather than over the phone" or whatever, and she did not respond, refused to look at you, and this went on for hours or days? Would you think that was just a "personal communication preference" or that this person was incredibly unprofessional and toxic to work with?

[Anonymous]

You both sound insufferable, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound insufferable, to be honest.

Wow, that's constructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how you all arrive at the conclusion that expressing criticism is legitimate but being quiet in response is not.

Either one of them, taken to an extreme, can be very harmful. Either one of them, when not taken to an extreme, can be a reasonable way to deal with your emotional state.

This thread seems like a Rorschach test of personal communication preferences.

Think about it this way: how would you react to a coworker who did this? You said "Sally, can we work together on X" or "I think we should have the meeting in person rather than over the phone" or whatever, and she did not respond, refused to look at you, and this went on for hours or days? Would you think that was just a "personal communication preference" or that this person was incredibly unprofessional and toxic to work with?

Am I getting paid to listen to my wife in this analogy? That's going to affect my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

I haven't read any responses bc I'm sure that no other person told you the truth

We go silent bc we're totally pissed at you and don't want to say anything that you will then lose it over bc you can't take your own medicine

For fucking Christ sake women. Stop telling a man what to say and act. It's out fucking lives and we have a right to live it without your micromanaging.