I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

[Anonymous]

Oh good Lord. Every asshole thing isn't abuse. JFC. Way to belittle actual emotional and physical abuse victims. By that token OP needling him when he doesn't want to talk is abuse too.

It is a really asshole thing to do. If he is doing it to control his temper in the moment and will talk about it once he calms down, I think that is fine and you should give him space. Not everyone is ready to talk immediately and your pushing him won't help. If it just goes on and on that's another story.

My husband used to be like this and I finally decided I was going to just say what I needed to say whether or not he responded. However, I also got to a point where it was too much and I made it clear - if you need space, fine, but you SAY SO and just sweeping shit under the rug indefinitely isn't ok. I let him know why it bothered me. Surprise surprise, he actually began talking to me about it.

In my husband's case he was also struggling with depression and it was making little things feel much worse for him. Once he started an anti-depressant things improved a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like. He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy. You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You: You look annoyed. Are you angry with me? Would you like to talk about it? (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching. This is not a moment for kissy kissy. This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You; I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears). I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence. Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU: I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY


No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

This. With my spouse, I found feeding into it made it worse. If I left him alone, he just got over it. He either needs some time to process, or he is doing it to upset you. Either way, walk away and you win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually give the "silent treatment" to my husband when he says something mean. Not that I am trying to abuse him but because I just need my space and am so darn mad and or hurt to speak to him at the moment.

What brings us back to normal is that he will sincerely apologize with a very sweet and gentle approach. Of course I sincerely apologize as well.

It is OK to need your space. But you need to tell your spouse. Hey, I'm furious right now and I can't talk without being rude. I need a little space. Thanks.

Just giving the silent treatment is manipulative and infantile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like. He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy. You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You: You look annoyed. Are you angry with me? Would you like to talk about it? (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching. This is not a moment for kissy kissy. This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You; I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears). I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence. Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU: I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY


No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

This. With my spouse, I found feeding into it made it worse. If I left him alone, he just got over it. He either needs some time to process, or he is doing it to upset you. Either way, walk away and you win.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually give the "silent treatment" to my husband when he says something mean. Not that I am trying to abuse him but because I just need my space and am so darn mad and or hurt to speak to him at the moment.

What brings us back to normal is that he will sincerely apologize with a very sweet and gentle approach. Of course I sincerely apologize as well.

It is OK to need your space. But you need to tell your spouse. Hey, I'm furious right now and I can't talk without being rude. I need a little space. Thanks.

Just giving the silent treatment is manipulative and infantile.

Yes, he should say that. Absolutely. But she also knows that and shouldn't push even if he spells it out. His behavior is not ok but after years together you know if someone is upset. They need to address the root of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Just because you don't like it when he's quiet doesn't mean he should have to process his emotions in a different way. That's pretty self-centered and immature. Go do something else & leave him alone to deal with his thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Eh, if you don't have anything nice to say...

You know this is how he deals when you piss him off. Sounds like you just want him to forgive you and move on. But instead of taking responsibility for what you've done, you want to delegitimize his reaction to your behavior. Ease up on the control, and let him deal in his own way. He'll come back when he's ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

It sounds like you both could use some counseling to at a minimum work on your communication issues.
He shouldn't be shutting down.
But, if he's shutting down for the umpteenth time to what you admit are your criticisms maybe you are overly critical. It doesn't matter how cheerfully you say it. I can promise you the conversation you quoted is not at all what you said or how it went. Being critical like you are is just as emotionally abusive as his silent treatment. Get help together and maybe separately before you both do to much damage to each other and the relationship.

[Anonymous]

For goodness sake. A spouse can't say, "I wish you wouldn't do X" without someone saying THAT is abusive? In marriages as in the rest of life, people need to be able to express and listen to criticism. They can decide the criticism is fair or not, but how can any marriage - or friendship, or work relationship - possibly succeed if neither person is allowed to express any emotion other than "oh honey you're so amazing"? P

Hopefully it is polite and respectful criticism, but even if it's irritable and unfair criticism, silent withdrawal is an immature way to handle it.

He needs to man up and either say what's bothering him or decide it's not worth squabbling about and get past it. Either way, freezing her out is juvenile and manipulative.

[Anonymous]

There's a huge difference between needing some time to cool off and intentionally trying to punish the person you are upset with by going silent on them. He sounds like he is doing the latter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I didn't say he shuts down whenever I criticize him. I said he shuts down whenever I say anything that bothers him. Sometimes that is something critical. But often it is a something so subtle that only he even know what it is (and I find out only later). He goes silent because.... He felt that I wasn't listening to him carefully enough when he said something to be while I was juggling two pots of boiling liquid on the stove. Or because i asked someone else for her opinion on a subject on which he feels he is an expert, thereby, to him, suggesting that I do t respect his expertise. Or because he said "let's go do Such and such" and I said "I'd rather not, could we do that tomorrow?"

That's part of the problem. I can't predict what will set him off. Sometimes he is cheerful and resilient and self-aware. Other times something that seems completely random will send him into a surly withdrawal for days.

I have gotten better at doing what a PP suggested- just saying, "ok, I see you're upset about something," I'm happy to talk when you're ready but for now I'll do do something else."

Problem is, often that just prolongs the sulk because then he feels abandoned! If I "really cared" I wouldn't just go off and do things without him.

When not in a sulk, by the way, he says things like "I know this is not a good way to respond, I'm sorry, I get trapped on my own emotions and j do t know how to break out," and he promises to go get therapy. (He also has intermittent explosive rages where he yells and threatens to walk out. These are his two "upset" modes: silence or screaming. But he has so far seen three counsellors and found some reason to ditch each one after one or two sessions. (The shrink talked about herself too much. The shrink rescheduled an appointment. The shrink pushed meds and he doesn't want meds." Etc.

And yeah, I am seeing a counselor myself, on the "you can't change another person, you can only change how you respond to him" theory.

I'm just really frustrated. He's a wonderful partner much of the time, funny and loving and smart. But when somethingsg triggers him, all bets are off.

[Anonymous]

He sounds dreadful. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For goodness sake. A spouse can't say, "I wish you wouldn't do X" without someone saying THAT is abusive? In marriages as in the rest of life, people need to be able to express and listen to criticism. They can decide the criticism is fair or not, but how can any marriage - or friendship, or work relationship - possibly succeed if neither person is allowed to express any emotion other than "oh honey you're so amazing"? P

Hopefully it is polite and respectful criticism, but even if it's irritable and unfair criticism, silent withdrawal is an immature way to handle it.

He needs to man up and either say what's bothering him or decide it's not worth squabbling about and get past it. Either way, freezing her out is juvenile and manipulative.

I would say it depends on how often you need to " express" your criticism. Every now and then sure. If you are constantly finding something you need to "express you emotions" about to your self there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't say he shuts down whenever I criticize him. I said he shuts down whenever I say anything that bothers him. Sometimes that is something critical. But often it is a something so subtle that only he even know what it is (and I find out only later). He goes silent because.... He felt that I wasn't listening to him carefully enough when he said something to be while I was juggling two pots of boiling liquid on the stove. Or because i asked someone else for her opinion on a subject on which he feels he is an expert, thereby, to him, suggesting that I do t respect his expertise. Or because he said "let's go do Such and such" and I said "I'd rather not, could we do that tomorrow?"

That's part of the problem. I can't predict what will set him off. Sometimes he is cheerful and resilient and self-aware. Other times something that seems completely random will send him into a surly withdrawal for days.

I have gotten better at doing what a PP suggested- just saying, "ok, I see you're upset about something," I'm happy to talk when you're ready but for now I'll do do something else."

Problem is, often that just prolongs the sulk because then he feels abandoned! If I "really cared" I wouldn't just go off and do things without him.

When not in a sulk, by the way, he says things like "I know this is not a good way to respond, I'm sorry, I get trapped on my own emotions and j do t know how to break out," and he promises to go get therapy. (He also has intermittent explosive rages where he yells and threatens to walk out. These are his two "upset" modes: silence or screaming. But he has so far seen three counsellors and found some reason to ditch each one after one or two sessions. (The shrink talked about herself too much. The shrink rescheduled an appointment. The shrink pushed meds and he doesn't want meds." Etc.

And yeah, I am seeing a counselor myself, on the "you can't change another person, you can only change how you respond to him" theory.

I'm just really frustrated. He's a wonderful partner much of the time, funny and loving and smart. But when somethingsg triggers him, all bets are off.

It's good you are in individual counseling. What is your therapists advice about this? Have you spoken with her about these interactions? Do you just not like your therapists advice so you've come to DCUM so everyone can tell you you have a horrible husband and you feel validated?

Reading between the lines it seems you both have a problem with expressing your emotions and validating the other's emotions. Sounds like he needs individual counseling too and you both need counseling together if he will agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is absolutely emotional abuse and is very toxic to a relationship. The message here is, "either comply with my preferences at all times, or you cease to exist. Only my needs and feelings matter." And the fact that he apologizes later means nothing. What is he doing to fix it for next time? Is he in therapy? Does he have a list of phrases or actions to use instead? If he's not actually fixing it, then he is telling you, that he KNOWS that this is cruel and innappropriate but he values his own comfort with the status quo over you feeling like you matter at all in the relationship. Next time, do not engage more than once. He goes into silent mode and you say, "If you want to be in a relationship with me, you need to be able to kindly communicate even when you are upset. We can talk about this behavior when you are ready to apologize." Then leave the room.

THIS times a million. This a form of passive aggressiveness which is extremely unhealthy. Do not perpetuate by engaging.

This is asshoke behavior and your husband needs to grow up.