Reply to I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like.  He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy.  You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You:  You look annoyed.   Are you angry with me?  Would you like to talk about it?  (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching.  This is not a moment for kissy kissy.  This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You;  I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears).  I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence.  Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU:  I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY

No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

[/quote]

I agree 100% that he needs to speak up and say "I just need to time to process", either while he's upset OR during a moment of calm, so you can each understand each other's cues. Due to an abusive childhood, I will often shut down during an arguement. This is especially since DH is the type to really lash out, so our conflict styles couldn't be more opposite.

I've spoken with my DH about it, so he knows that when I hit that point, it's not about him, it's about me. He knows now to just Give me a few minutes or a little while alone. He also needs it to get his tongue back hinged. That being said, that's a little different than the silent treatment.

Your DH needs to cope better when he's upset BUT you also need to learn to not provoke it by staying in his face about it. Why do you need to touch and kiss him when you see he's shut down? It's kind of hostile in its own right. Of course it's how you are reacting, but he's reacting differently, and you need to learn how to work together with each other's knee jerk reactions to conflict to find your middle ground.

Again, I don't disagree he is being a PITA. [/quote]

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