I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, if this is usual for him, I would sit him down and say that if he doesn't get his shit together and communicate respectfully, you will divorce him. Suggest a communication class or something.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. I used to do that to DH and I regret it. Once he got through to me that it was highly disrespectful and childish, I stopped. It was really easy to stop. All I had to do was look him in the eye and say that I didn't appreciate his comment/joke/behavior. The conversation could start from there and be constructive.

And for the love of God, you do NOT enable this manchild by pandering and touching his arm and saying sweetheart, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how you all arrive at the conclusion that expressing criticism is legitimate but being quiet in response is not.

Either one of them, taken to an extreme, can be very harmful. Either one of them, when not taken to an extreme, can be a reasonable way to deal with your emotional state.

This thread seems like a Rorschach test of personal communication preferences.

Think about it this way: how would you react to a coworker who did this? You said "Sally, can we work together on X" or "I think we should have the meeting in person rather than over the phone" or whatever, and she did not respond, refused to look at you, and this went on for hours or days? Would you think that was just a "personal communication preference" or that this person was incredibly unprofessional and toxic to work with?

Am I getting paid to listen to my wife in this analogy? That's going to affect my answer.

Right, because there's really no reason to act like a civil adult human being if no one's paying you. I mean, it's not like treating the person you married with kindness or respect matter, right?

Glad I'm not married to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

I haven't read any responses bc I'm sure that no other person told you the truth

We go silent bc we're totally pissed at you and don't want to say anything that you will then lose it over bc you can't take your own medicine

For fucking Christ sake women. Stop telling a man what to say and act. It's out fucking lives and we have a right to live it without your micromanaging.

That poster is so very wrong.

Taking time out from a discussion is NOT the same as the silent treatment. For example:

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/the-silent-treatment

[Anonymous]

He's an abuser. Please leave him.