I am so angry at my husband-- how do you handle silent withdrawal?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a big baby, but why are you continuing to engage him when he is being nonresponsive? Ignore his childish nonsense, it is reinforcing the behavior. He can come find you when he's ready to grow up and talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby, but why are you continuing to engage him when he is being nonresponsive? Ignore his childish nonsense, it is reinforcing the behavior. He can come find you when he's ready to grow up and talk.

+1. When you continue to seek him out and force him to talk to you, it reinforces his huge sense of self-importance and his ego. Ignore him as well (unless there's a child issue).

[Anonymous]

op has a passive aggressive husband. All this is par for the course until he gets help, you coach him to express his emotions assertively/asap, or you divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a big baby, but why are you continuing to engage him when he is being nonresponsive? Ignore his childish nonsense, it is reinforcing the behavior. He can come find you when he's ready to grow up and talk.

+1. When you continue to seek him out and force him to talk to you, it reinforces his huge sense of self-importance and his ego. Ignore him as well (unless there's a child issue).

That's not how PA works, he avoids conflict, avoids discussions, avoids apologizing.
He wants you tmfrop the subject and leaves the real issue hanging, OR get angry at him for his immature behavior, whereas he attacks you for being angry and leaves the real issue hanging. The real issue never gets resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop negotiating, stop jollying him along, stop patronizing him with "uh oh's and sweethearts" and stop appeasing him with I love you's, kisses and the like. He's not a toddler and he's not your precious hurt boy. You are also failing to take his anger seriously, which you need to work on.

You: You look annoyed. Are you angry with me? Would you like to talk about it? (No uh, oh, no sweetheart, no rubbing or touching. This is not a moment for kissy kissy. This is you offering to talk about him and his anger.)

Him -- he either talks or he doesn't

You; I care very much about what is making you angry (very serious voice -- no cajoling, no touching, no tears). I would like to know, but your silence tells me nothing and I can't work on the situation based on silence. Can you tell me what has happened to make you angry?

Him -- either talks or doesn't.

If he doesn't talk:

YOU: I'm ready to talk whenever you are ready.

AND YOU WALK AWAY


No cajoling, no begging, no sweetie pie kissy kissy.

This.
Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
Exactly how you handle a passive aggressive individual.
Do not get worked u, he might not know so much anger built up and one little thing tipped him off.

[Anonymous]

he needs counseling. his behavior is completely inappropriate. i could not live like that.

[Anonymous]

If he's upset, he needs to say he's upset. If he doesn't tell you there's a problem, it's not your problem.

Quit making it your problem.

[Anonymous]

The only way to deal with that is to go out and have fun. Live your life. Stop giving a shit. I HAVE BEEN THERE.

[Anonymous]

I had an EX like this. The silence would last weeks, then it was months. I couldn't stand it, and considered it abuse. The marriage didn't last.

[Anonymous]

My ex-H did this. Enough said.

[Anonymous]

My father used to do this...it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

And for the record, I haven't communicated with my father in almost ten years, so his silent treatment crap worked really well for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

Durect a stream of extremely raunchy curse words. See if he responds.
If he does, hash things out.

Try to keep him engaged and talking to you regularly about his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband very much but right this minute I am furious at him. He has, for t he umpteenth time, just gone utterly silent and non-communicative when I say or do something that bothers him. He won't say he's mad, or confused, or hurt, or embarrassed, or anything. He just stops speaking. Minimal eye contact. Communicated only by shrugging or looking away.

Damn it. It makes me crazy. We had a great day -- happy and full of laughter and affection. Then, during a cheerful conversation, i said something that obviously stung him: I said, very lightly, that he probably shouldn't make a certain joke in front of our kids and their friends, because one of the kids might take it the wrong way. (I dont mean a sexual joke, just black humor). It wasn't a big deal-- I didn't say it angrily-- I actually said it with a smile, since I get his sense of humor but know that not everyone would.

And he just... Shut down. Mouth shut. Pout.

Me: uh oh. Are you annoyed at me?
Him: (Stoney silence)
Me: hey, sweetheart. (Reach out to touch his arm)
Him (no response. Maintains stoney silence)
Me: it bugged you when I said that?
Him (looks at ceiling)
Me: sweetheart, I know you're just kidding. I just worry that not everyone will get your sense of humor.
Him (silence)
Me: well, i love you. (Kiss his forehead)
Him (no response; looks past me like I dont exist)

This goes on for another minute or two. I finally said, "okay, I'm going to take a showe" and left him alone. Half an hour later I said, "sweetheart, I'm going to go to bed. Are you coming up?" No reply.

For fuck's sake.

How should I handle this? It first confuses me, then hurts my feelings, then leaves me feeling angry: I feel like I'm being treated like a non-person. Whateve i did or said, whether he was justified in his annoyance or not, it just feels so undermining to have him completely shut me out like that. No "hey I'm annoyed, here's why," no "look, I'm annoyed but dont want to discuss it right now," no nothing.

He usually eventually returns to normal and apologizes-- when he is not in a funk he says he knows this is not a good way to handle things but he can't break out of it. But sometimes it takes hours and evwn days for him to get out of silent mode.

Advice?

He is not a child and you are not his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually give the "silent treatment" to my husband when he says something mean. Not that I am trying to abuse him but because I just need my space and am so darn mad and or hurt to speak to him at the moment.

What brings us back to normal is that he will sincerely apologize with a very sweet and gentle approach. Of course I sincerely apologize as well.

This is fine as long as you communicate that to him: I'm pissed at you right now and need my space, please don't talk to me, etc.
Just random silent treatment is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I

Advice?

I haven't read any responses bc I'm sure that no other person told you the truth

We go silent bc we're totally pissed at you and don't want to say anything that you will then lose it over bc you can't take your own medicine

For fucking Christ sake women. Stop telling a man what to say and act. It's out fucking lives and we have a right to live it without your micromanaging.

Wow, this thread is bringing out a lot of men who apparently feel threatened any time their wives don't just fawn over them.