Whitman Teacher and Crew Coach Arrested

[Anonymous]

I was also shocked that the board took the letter the girls had written and handed it over to the coach. This is a HUGE no no when it comes to abuse allegations. Insane how easily some of them threw these girls under the bus and tried to blame them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former competitive rower (D1 and clubs after college), it's an incredibly intense sport. If you want to be competitive, you have to train very, very hard. And if you buy into that culture, that aspect of what Shipley did would be a feature, not a bug. I'm honestly not sure I want my kids rowing in HS, if they express any interest, because of how intense it is--I worry it would be too much for young kids.

As for the parents who claim they didn't see it: most parents don't want to believe something like this could happen to their kids. Many don't have any kind of experience, personally or professionally, with sexual predators. And plenty are SO horrified by the thought that they bury their heads in the sand rather than learn the signs. Couple that with the uber-competitive nature of many parents in this area, and, yeah, it's easy to see how it happened.

People seem to be making the assumption that parents who push their kids into the "best" academics and the most competitive sports are caring, observant parents, but usually, they're doing so out of their own self-interest.

Thanks for the insights, PP. Maybe you could help answer a question I think many of us have: why would anyone put this much time into a sport in HS unless they were gunning for an admissions boost or college scholarship or had Olympic dreams? One of my kids plays a D1 sport now, and I felt like the amount of time he spent training in HS was borderline unbalanced, but it sounds like these girls were spending twice as much time on rowing per week throughout the year, if not more. It really does sound almost cult-like both in terms of training to the exclusion of almost all else and the control exerted over the kids by a single charismatic individual. When you were in HS did you have one very powerful coach like this who controlled all aspects of the program?

I do understand that a lot of people fall in love with a sport and put a lot of time into it in the pursuit of excellence, and I understand the camaraderie that develops on teams. But there should be limits on how much training or competing time a coach can ask of HS kids in a HS-affiliated club sport, the same way there are for JV and Varsity HS sports and in college. If there are currently no rules established by the school or county re training time for club teams, that should change going forward. That’s just one of the structural problems that made it easier for Shipley to isolate these kids, but it seems like one of the easiest problems to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

Wow! You need therapy that you need this much mental gymnastics to justify that you looked past all the evidence to keep “good admissions “ and left unwitting parents in a position to put their horns in the hands of a predator.

The board held back evidence, justified his actions, protected their interests and created a situation ripe for abuse.

I know a ton of people in high level sports. NOBODY sends students with a coach and no parental oversight. NOBODY.

I'm not a Whitman parent, let alone a Whitman rowing parent.

My point is that what is happening here psychologically is that you and many others in this thread are imagining that Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, and those essential differences are what accounts for the objectively inappropriate choices, e.g. coach staying in an Airbnb with the kids.

Not saying that is ok. What i am saying is, by imagining that the Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, that they were uniquely fixated on life's rewards or avoiding life's risks in a way that nobody else is, ignores the fact that the pattern of predation in this story is CLASSIC and happens in every kind of community, rich, poor, white, black, gay, straight. Everywhere.

It is dangerous to assume that the predator was successful because of the unique characteristics of his victims' parents.

It is safer to analyze and become VERY AWARE of HOW they came to trust him, HOW they came to allow things that should not have been allowed.

Knowing ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and becoming very aware of our blind spots is part of how we protect ourselves. Assuming we are "good parents" and it couldn't happen to US is precisely how we let our guard down and give predators the advantage.

Seriously, folks who don't like what I'm saying: Google social predation. Time after time, people report the same thing: We knew him. We trusted him. We had known him for years. His reputation preceded him. Pillar of the community. It was always done this way. Everyone loved him.

And on and on. It may feel good to preach at the shitty Whitman Rowing parents -- and who knows, maybe they all suck, I dunno, don't know them personally -- but personally I am much more interested in how to catch the next guy.

And I am in total agreement that we need to listen to kids and enforce rules of basic safety, e.g. no one-on-one adult-kid interactions, extra safety measures for overnight travel, etc. etc.

And we need to disabuse ourselves of the notion that it wouldn't have happened to US. It would. It very well could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Whitman rowing parent: I believe you.

I believe this:

It was because normal people cannot imagine the kind of behavior described

A decade ago, I sent my ex-husband packing when I learned that he had carried on an affair of many years with another woman.

Five years.

I wasn't "willfully blind."

I was intentionally and deliberately misled.

I was deceived and lied to.

and because I am a decent-enough person -- and sure, a little naive, still -- I don't imagine the worst about people.

I believed my ex-husband was at work.

This coach... There is a reason we call them "predators." They are cunning. They have tried, true methods. They operate by stealth and are skilled at covering their tracks. The longer they evade detection, the more effective they become: Because there is nothing out of the ordinary. It's just how he is. How he has always been. It's normal.

They are master manipulators. That is how they operate. They are charming and charismatic and very skilled at identifying and exploiting others' vulnerabilities. And creating vulnerability -- the better to exploit you all with, my dear.

Whitman rowing parent, everyone loves to think that it wouldn't happen to them, that they would have been the wiser, would not have been so easily duped.

You know better. So do I.

You would never in a million years intentionally put your child in danger (for a scholarship?? Are people mad?)

You were deceived, you were manipulated, you were lied to. You were intentionally and deliberately misled.

You were blind, yes. And now that everything is out in the open -- well, of course it seems unfathomable that you couldn't see it before.

We have an astonishing ability to see things in ways that match up with our expectations. And I know how awful it feels to have missed such a danger, knowing he was hiding in plain sight, all along.

Focus on healing, now. Sending love to you and your community.

You saw signs too and it also was easier to look past them.., for the kids, for the money, for your self esteem. Nobody has no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are currently no rules established by the school or county re training time for club teams, that should change going forward. That’s just one of the structural problems that made it easier for Shipley to isolate these kids, but it seems like one of the easiest problems to fix.

that's a great suggestion, PP

I'm a parent at another school with a club rowing program, and the kids all joke that "it's a cult." When asked why their training schedule is so nutty, they shrug and say, Because they cannot really compete if they don't.

I mean, my kid is on POMS -- I mean, freaking Poms, no disrespect -- and they train 12 hours a week. Twelve! Why?

It's all or nothing. There is no 5-hours-per-week option. I really don't like it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

Wow! You need therapy that you need this much mental gymnastics to justify that you looked past all the evidence to keep “good admissions “ and left unwitting parents in a position to put their horns in the hands of a predator.

The board held back evidence, justified his actions, protected their interests and created a situation ripe for abuse.

I know a ton of people in high level sports. NOBODY sends students with a coach and no parental oversight. NOBODY.

I'm not a Whitman parent, let alone a Whitman rowing parent.

My point is that what is happening here psychologically is that you and many others in this thread are imagining that Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, and those essential differences are what accounts for the objectively inappropriate choices, e.g. coach staying in an Airbnb with the kids.

Not saying that is ok. What i am saying is, by imagining that the Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, that they were uniquely fixated on life's rewards or avoiding life's risks in a way that nobody else is, ignores the fact that the pattern of predation in this story is CLASSIC and happens in every kind of community, rich, poor, white, black, gay, straight. Everywhere.

It is dangerous to assume that the predator was successful because of the unique characteristics of his victims' parents.

It is safer to analyze and become VERY AWARE of HOW they came to trust him, HOW they came to allow things that should not have been allowed.

Knowing ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and becoming very aware of our blind spots is part of how we protect ourselves. Assuming we are "good parents" and it couldn't happen to US is precisely how we let our guard down and give predators the advantage.

Seriously, folks who don't like what I'm saying: Google social predation. Time after time, people report the same thing: We knew him. We trusted him. We had known him for years. His reputation preceded him. Pillar of the community. It was always done this way. Everyone loved him.

And on and on. It may feel good to preach at the shitty Whitman Rowing parents -- and who knows, maybe they all suck, I dunno, don't know them personally -- but personally I am much more interested in how to catch the next guy.

And I am in total agreement that we need to listen to kids and enforce rules of basic safety, e.g. no one-on-one adult-kid interactions, extra safety measures for overnight travel, etc. etc.

And we need to disabuse ourselves of the notion that it wouldn't have happened to US. It would. It very well could.

The board had all the information. They kept the information from the parents. (Except 2 apparently)

Parents let children stay in an Airbnb without a chaperone.

The board is responsible for mishandling the information… sharing it with the perpetrator, not trusting the girls.

Parents are responsible for letting their desire for a great school allow them to put their child in harms way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on letting a grown man take all these girls to Airbnb’s for out of town trips with no other adults/parents present. No one working with children should be given this kind of access. There were signs that he was inappropriate and the signs were completely ignored because parents wanted the status and success and scholarship money more than safety for their children. Period.

The problem with this thinking is that it allows you -- us -- to imagine that we are all sooo different from those Whitman parents, that different parents -- better parents -- would have noticed the signs and put a stop to things long ago.

Forget the part where that's a pretty uncharitable caricature of the Whitman community -- but it doesn't keep anyone safer. The fact is -- and this is backed up by research, feel free to google -- that we're all susceptible to manipulation. Predators show up in all kinds of communities. We are all vulnerable, to different degrees. All of our communities are full of individuals and families that are goal-driven, hardworking, that are achieve this or that. Our kindness makes us vulnerable. Our tendency to believe the best of people makes us vulnerable.

There's a litany of human psychological traits that make us easy prey for the most nefarious among us.

So yes to safeguards, yes to learning lessons. But the blame/shame thing here is, at best, not very constructive. And at worst, it's cruel.

Stop wagging your fingers and open your ears. Every community has voices that are marginalized and not listened to. Find the voices at your school. trust me they are there.

Wow! You need therapy that you need this much mental gymnastics to justify that you looked past all the evidence to keep “good admissions “ and left unwitting parents in a position to put their horns in the hands of a predator.

The board held back evidence, justified his actions, protected their interests and created a situation ripe for abuse.

I know a ton of people in high level sports. NOBODY sends students with a coach and no parental oversight. NOBODY.

I'm not a Whitman parent, let alone a Whitman rowing parent.

My point is that what is happening here psychologically is that you and many others in this thread are imagining that Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, and those essential differences are what accounts for the objectively inappropriate choices, e.g. coach staying in an Airbnb with the kids.

Not saying that is ok. What i am saying is, by imagining that the Whitman rowing parents are so different from the rest of us, that they were uniquely fixated on life's rewards or avoiding life's risks in a way that nobody else is, ignores the fact that the pattern of predation in this story is CLASSIC and happens in every kind of community, rich, poor, white, black, gay, straight. Everywhere.

It is dangerous to assume that the predator was successful because of the unique characteristics of his victims' parents.

It is safer to analyze and become VERY AWARE of HOW they came to trust him, HOW they came to allow things that should not have been allowed.

Knowing ourselves, our vulnerabilities, and becoming very aware of our blind spots is part of how we protect ourselves. Assuming we are "good parents" and it couldn't happen to US is precisely how we let our guard down and give predators the advantage.

Seriously, folks who don't like what I'm saying: Google social predation. Time after time, people report the same thing: We knew him. We trusted him. We had known him for years. His reputation preceded him. Pillar of the community. It was always done this way. Everyone loved him.

And on and on. It may feel good to preach at the shitty Whitman Rowing parents -- and who knows, maybe they all suck, I dunno, don't know them personally -- but personally I am much more interested in how to catch the next guy.

And I am in total agreement that we need to listen to kids and enforce rules of basic safety, e.g. no one-on-one adult-kid interactions, extra safety measures for overnight travel, etc. etc.

And we need to disabuse ourselves of the notion that it wouldn't have happened to US. It would. It very well could.

I understand that no parent should assume predation couldn't happen to their kid, but these parents created excessive risk by not listening and by allowing this coach on fettered access w/ no other chaperones. No. My kids would not have been at risk in this situation because I would have pulled the over their feedback or the AirBNB situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Whitman rowing parent: I believe you.

I believe this:

It was because normal people cannot imagine the kind of behavior described

A decade ago, I sent my ex-husband packing when I learned that he had carried on an affair of many years with another woman.

Five years.

I wasn't "willfully blind."

I was intentionally and deliberately misled.

I was deceived and lied to.

and because I am a decent-enough person -- and sure, a little naive, still -- I don't imagine the worst about people.

I believed my ex-husband was at work.

This coach... There is a reason we call them "predators." They are cunning. They have tried, true methods. They operate by stealth and are skilled at covering their tracks. The longer they evade detection, the more effective they become: Because there is nothing out of the ordinary. It's just how he is. How he has always been. It's normal.

They are master manipulators. That is how they operate. They are charming and charismatic and very skilled at identifying and exploiting others' vulnerabilities. And creating vulnerability -- the better to exploit you all with, my dear.

Whitman rowing parent, everyone loves to think that it wouldn't happen to them, that they would have been the wiser, would not have been so easily duped.

You know better. So do I.

You would never in a million years intentionally put your child in danger (for a scholarship?? Are people mad?)

You were deceived, you were manipulated, you were lied to. You were intentionally and deliberately misled.

You were blind, yes. And now that everything is out in the open -- well, of course it seems unfathomable that you couldn't see it before.

We have an astonishing ability to see things in ways that match up with our expectations. And I know how awful it feels to have missed such a danger, knowing he was hiding in plain sight, all along.

Focus on healing, now. Sending love to you and your community.

You saw signs too and it also was easier to look past them.., for the kids, for the money, for your self esteem. Nobody has no clue.

lol. All victims are really complicit in their victimization, right? If those wives would stop believing their husbands that they had to stay late at work, then none of this would happen! They have only themselves to blame. bwahahahahaha

the best thing about your reaction -- and I mean this genuinely -- is that you have obviously never encountered a skilled narcissist. bless your heart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am a Whitman rowing parent.

No one was circling any wagons.

The board parents are not toxic.

To the contrary, the board's leaders are hardworking, genuinely kind people who have dedicated themselves to the team because their children love rowing.

They've known some of the crew kids since elementary school.

None of the parents knew about Shipley's alleged abuse.

It's fair to argue that we were all blind. But it was not because of college ambitions for our kids.

It was because normal people cannot imagine the kind of behavior described in the charging documents unless there's evidence or a clear report of it.

That came to the team on Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2021, the day Shipley was arrested.

The former rowers who reported him to the police have shown extraordinary courage and resolve.

Everyone wants justice done.

Whitman rowing parent,

1. Were you not bothered by the persistent rumors of favoritism, boundary-crossing and negative atmosphere the coach fostered on the teams?
2. Had you heard that the coach was pursuing underage or barely-aged team members? If you did, was there a reason you decided not to believe them until the arrest?




The answer to your first question is that I didn't know about those issues until Shipley was suspended.

To your second question, I never heard those rumors.

Shipley was suspended in June, but you were fine with him being hired back for the next year even after knowing what the accusations were.

Are you the parent of a female or male rower? One of the issues is that the parents of the male rowers were further away and less interested in this activity. Although all of the male rowers also heard these rumors…..

[Anonymous]

My daughter briefly joined the crew team at a different HS but quit because she said it was like a cult. The girls were super clicky, always hung out together, we’re completely obsessed with crew and talked about nothing else, and if you expressed interest in any additional HS sport or clubs, you were called a traitor and ostracized. I don’t know why crew teams have created such an unhealthy environment for girls. I have no idea if the boys teams are similar. My girl enjoyed crew but quit because she also wanted to do other things and couldn’t relate to how other girls made it their entire life. It seems like just the type of environment for predators/cult leaders to flourish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents let children stay in an Airbnb without a chaperone.

The board is responsible for mishandling the information… sharing it with the perpetrator, not trusting the girls.

Parents are responsible for letting their desire for a great school allow them to put their child in harms way.

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that no parent should assume predation couldn't happen to their kid, but these parents created excessive risk by not listening and by allowing this coach on fettered access w/ no other chaperones. No. My kids would not have been at risk in this situation because I would have pulled the over their feedback or the AirBNB situation.

I do not dispute at all that things were mishandled! But to my mind, it is more productive -- and kinder -- to look at HOW the parents and the board came to make inappropriate choices than to blame and denounce them. Blaming them makes us feel better, superior, has the psychological effect of separating us from them. WE would have been like the one board member who voted no. WE would have pulled our kids.

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

The majority of parents here did not, and I challenge the assumption that those parents are fundamentally different from you or me.

So, maybe a great school isn't your Achilles heel. What is? Maybe another kid's parents fight all of the time and she feels at ease around their easygoing teacher. Maybe another kid has struggled with depression and conversations with coach seem more effective than any of the crappy therapists your kid has had. Maybe you are working late, or you work two jobs, or you are attending to your kid with profound special needs, and sure it would GREAT if coach drove them home this one time. That was very kind of them to offer, wasn't it.

The point is, we ALL have blind spots. And the really skilled predators take their time. Grooming is SLOW. It is a long game. They play all the angles -- and that includes massaging the parents, incrementally getting the whole freaking communitiy used to this or that, so by the time your kid asks for permission to do something that really shouldn't be done, you say yes because you have been thoroughly psychologically conditioned to do so.

And THIS is my point, to bring awareness to the social and psychological conditioning at play. Not to excuse anyone, but because this is the awareness that keeps us safer.

this should certainly be part of the health curriculum, don't you think? I would love every middle schooler in the county to know that no teacher or coach should ever ask them to keep a secret. or text them directly. or give them gifts.

that kind of thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents let children stay in an Airbnb without a chaperone.

The board is responsible for mishandling the information… sharing it with the perpetrator, not trusting the girls.

Parents are responsible for letting their desire for a great school allow them to put their child in harms way.

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that no parent should assume predation couldn't happen to their kid, but these parents created excessive risk by not listening and by allowing this coach on fettered access w/ no other chaperones. No. My kids would not have been at risk in this situation because I would have pulled the over their feedback or the AirBNB situation.

I do not dispute at all that things were mishandled! But to my mind, it is more productive -- and kinder -- to look at HOW the parents and the board came to make inappropriate choices than to blame and denounce them. Blaming them makes us feel better, superior, has the psychological effect of separating us from them. WE would have been like the one board member who voted no. WE would have pulled our kids.

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

The majority of parents here did not, and I challenge the assumption that those parents are fundamentally different from you or me.

So, maybe a great school isn't your Achilles heel. What is? Maybe another kid's parents fight all of the time and she feels at ease around their easygoing teacher. Maybe another kid has struggled with depression and conversations with coach seem more effective than any of the crappy therapists your kid has had. Maybe you are working late, or you work two jobs, or you are attending to your kid with profound special needs, and sure it would GREAT if coach drove them home this one time. That was very kind of them to offer, wasn't it.

The point is, we ALL have blind spots. And the really skilled predators take their time. Grooming is SLOW. It is a long game. They play all the angles -- and that includes massaging the parents, incrementally getting the whole freaking communitiy used to this or that, so by the time your kid asks for permission to do something that really shouldn't be done, you say yes because you have been thoroughly psychologically conditioned to do so.

And THIS is my point, to bring awareness to the social and psychological conditioning at play. Not to excuse anyone, but because this is the awareness that keeps us safer.

this should certainly be part of the health curriculum, don't you think? I would love every middle schooler in the county to know that no teacher or coach should ever ask them to keep a secret. or text them directly. or give them gifts.

that kind of thing

Well said. There is SO much "this would never happen to me" on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

It’s so interesting hearing from all the crew/rowing parents and athletes. I knew very little about this sport until the Shipley news broke. Does anyone who has been involved with rowing have experience with HS programs that they thought were entirely positive and fun for their kids with no cult-like aspects? If so, what were the type of best practices that separated the good program from Whitman’s or other unhealthy ones described here? Is it all just down to whether you luck into a good coach or coaches who have the kids’ well-being at heart?

For now, I’m adding crew to my list of sports I hope my kids and other loved ones avoid, like ballet or gymnastics due to the body dysmorphia issues and similar intensity of training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am a Whitman rowing parent.

No one was circling any wagons.

The board parents are not toxic.

To the contrary, the board's leaders are hardworking, genuinely kind people who have dedicated themselves to the team because their children love rowing.

They've known some of the crew kids since elementary school.

None of the parents knew about Shipley's alleged abuse.

It's fair to argue that we were all blind. But it was not because of college ambitions for our kids.

It was because normal people cannot imagine the kind of behavior described in the charging documents unless there's evidence or a clear report of it.

That came to the team on Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2021, the day Shipley was arrested.

The former rowers who reported him to the police have shown extraordinary courage and resolve.

Everyone wants justice done.

Whitman rowing parent,

1. Were you not bothered by the persistent rumors of favoritism, boundary-crossing and negative atmosphere the coach fostered on the teams?
2. Had you heard that the coach was pursuing underage or barely-aged team members? If you did, was there a reason you decided not to believe them until the arrest?

Seriously pathetic that you are defending the parents. They chose winning and scholarships over a healthy environment.

I'm not defending anything.
I feel guilty every day about this.

But it's false to say that the team kept on an alleged predator--putting all our kids in danger-- because we wanted to win races and get into good colleges.

Then what was the reason?

I answered that above.

[Anonymous]

Post story today was pretty damning