SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Things no man is thinking: Gee, I wish I could get off this boring conference call so I could wash the cloth diapers and clean the oven. My wife is so lucky.

I'll bet you there are a good number of them who would like to have a few years to think about nothing but those things, to go to work out when the want and be freed from the breadwinner pressure.

Then they should have married a woman who has a job and split the breadwinning and the oven cleaning. The fact is that SAH is unpaid and low status, and very, very few men are going to see that as a better option than even the most tedious of paid jobs. I don't blame them! I have nothing but contempt for the women who continue to accept unpaid and low status work BECAUSE they are women and then call themselves feminists for having "chosen" this lifestyle.

I am a SAHM. I am not an Employee. I am an Employer. I employ low paid WOHMs to do domestic work at my house. I guess they are not feminists because they work for peanuts and work a low status job then?

I understand from DCUM that there are three kinds of WOHMs.
1. Those who have the money to hire other poor WOHMs to do domestic labor for them.
2. Those who are not rich enough to hire these poor WOHMs and hate rich SAHMs and WOHMs.
3. And the poorest WOHMs who work in low paying jobs for others.

So do we even talk of the plight of the poorest women or are we glad that they are available to become our maids? They are accepting low pay and low status so that makes them sub-humans, I suppose?

If you are a SAHM and you employ others to do domestic work, you are just lazy.

No sweetie. I am a rich SAHM with no prenup. That makes me privileged not lazy. I employ people so that they can provide for their families. Just spreading the wealth around. You should try and do the same.

I am a sweetie! Thanks for noticing. I do spread my wealth around. Thanks for that sage advice. What else do you do with your time? How do you contribute to society? You pay that domestic help a really good wage with health insurance, right?

You sound privileged AND snobby for sure.

She probably pays them under the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

Yes. It’s bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

How do you know? Most men manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

He’s semi retired so he could if he wanted to. He’s playing golf tomorrow.

Listen, everyone’s experience is different. I come from the tech world where everyone is about FIRE. Many people keep working after that but it’s different when you know you have the money to say eff it at any time.

What I’ve learned is that when people come into money, they usually quit their demanding jobs. If they stay in the same field, it’s as investors, or they work on passion projects, or do hey consult. But most people give up the daily grind.

So you really don't belong in this discussion. Neither you nor your husband are working full time and trying to raise a family. Why don't you butt out?

Why should I butt out? I’m a SAHM too.

DP.
I don’t know. These threads always seem to assume that:
1). No women want to quit their jobs unless they are lazy, lack ambition, and have no self-respect
2). All men DO want to quit their jobs, no matter how ambitious they are, how much they love their job, or how much of their identity is tied up in their job title
3). Men need to be protected from these lazy women who are making them work.
4). If part of the reason a woman isn’t working is because she is taking care of everything at home, then that is her own fault. She should have married better.
5). Even if she married a “bad man” who isn’t contributing to household chores and childcare, this man still needs to be protected against this evil, lazy woman who is keeping him from retirement.

New poster. You nailed the way these threads tend to go. You're exactly right. There's a powerful, ugly recurring theme on all these forums where SAH women are painted as lazy vampires sucking up men's life force and money, and no task any SAH woman does is really a contribution of any substantial kind.

+1

It’s called sexism and it’s alive and well on DCUM and in life. Depressing.

I wonder sometimes if it stems from a sexual attraction to someone in their friend circle married to a SAHM. Divorce almost always gets brought up very early.

I think it’s more how every woman who is a SAHM on here has a perfect marriage and is a former biglaw associate/partner. And spends her days doing yoga and shopping. Meanwhile, actual statistics about parents that don’t work out of the home suggest that this person quite possibly doesn’t exist.

If her husband makes enough to support the family, why do you or anyone care what she does?

They secretly think the SAHM’s high earning husband should leave her and marry them. That’s why the first question is always “what will you do if you divorce?”

[Anonymous]

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I think that most people who do freelance work or work less than about 20-30 hours a week still refer to themselves as SAHMs in these threads.

I have seen people refer to themselves as SAHMs even though they:
- work at their kids elementary schools every day that the school is open
- own and manage multiple rental properties
- do freelance, hourly, or consulting work
- do part time shift work (doctors and nurses)
- do the books and some of the management for their husband's small business

This is me — I make about 35k a year doing freelance consulting work but refer to myself as a SAHM on here. I also basically feel like a SAHM in life. I do not have the same juggle with job/commute/childcare that WOHMs deal with. I can always scale back work to accommodate parenting. Today I’m lying around the house cleaning and relaxing while my kid is at school because I’m between projects with work.

I don’t think WOHMs want me as “one of them.” Especially on these boards, there’s a ton of martyrdom that goes along with it, like look at me, I do EVERYTHING a SAHM does PLUS I work, SAHMs are lazy, etc.

I just want to enjoy my life, make enough money that we can live fairly comfortably, get to spend time with my kid, and not stress too much. I learned a long time ago that my career is not that fulfilling, and motherhood offered me something more rewarding. So I seized that and just kind of finagled a solution on the work side. If we were independently wealthy, or my DH made a ton of money (he doesn’t, he makes around 100k which is less than I used to), I would not work at all, I’d write a novel or take up painting or volunteer at a museum.

Life is short and precious and I don’t want to spend it doing boring corporate work if I can avoid it, which it turns out I mostly can.

Ha! I feel you.

I like do like my job and work 1-2 evenings a week. I started homeschooling my kids when the pandemic started and have continued because we have all been so happy with it. I pretty much function as a homeschooling SAHM in my day to day life. I don’t think the WOHMs want me as “one of them” either.

I love how the SAHMs constantly play the victim, complaining that the WOHMs are generalizing about them and then...generalize about WOHMs.

What is wrong with all of you people. Can't you live and let live? So many moms with so much insecurity. Don't deny it. If you were secure in your choices, you wouldn't feel the need to tear down the other side. In fact, you wouldn't see it as being different sides. You'd just see other moms each doing the best they can.

Pp here who works PT evenings. All I was saying was that you don’t consider me a WOHM. It sounds like you don’t want those of us who work PT on your team. ::Goes off to cry in the corner::

[Anonymous]

The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

He’s semi retired so he could if he wanted to. He’s playing golf tomorrow.

Listen, everyone’s experience is different. I come from the tech world where everyone is about FIRE. Many people keep working after that but it’s different when you know you have the money to say eff it at any time.

What I’ve learned is that when people come into money, they usually quit their demanding jobs. If they stay in the same field, it’s as investors, or they work on passion projects, or do hey consult. But most people give up the daily grind.

So you really don't belong in this discussion. Neither you nor your husband are working full time and trying to raise a family. Why don't you butt out?

Why should I butt out? I’m a SAHM too.

DP.
I don’t know. These threads always seem to assume that:
1). No women want to quit their jobs unless they are lazy, lack ambition, and have no self-respect
2). All men DO want to quit their jobs, no matter how ambitious they are, how much they love their job, or how much of their identity is tied up in their job title
3). Men need to be protected from these lazy women who are making them work.
4). If part of the reason a woman isn’t working is because she is taking care of everything at home, then that is her own fault. She should have married better.
5). Even if she married a “bad man” who isn’t contributing to household chores and childcare, this man still needs to be protected against this evil, lazy woman who is keeping him from retirement.

New poster. You nailed the way these threads tend to go. You're exactly right. There's a powerful, ugly recurring theme on all these forums where SAH women are painted as lazy vampires sucking up men's life force and money, and no task any SAH woman does is really a contribution of any substantial kind.

+1

It’s called sexism and it’s alive and well on DCUM and in life. Depressing.

Assuming either that men should work or all love to work is just as sexist as assuming all women want to have children or want to stay home with their kids or should stay home with their kids etc. That is the point people are making. The people who see a SAH as having no value are a small minority or are really just trolls trying to work you up. Don't take the bait.

I get what you are saying here. No, I don’t think that all men love to work, but some men (and some women) enjoy their work and find it meaningful. But the reason pp was told to butt out was that her husband is already retired, so she doesn’t fit the narrative of the soul sucking vampire SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Agree with you on that. The reasons to not work because of daycare costs and income tax show that the person only thinks short term and not long term. You work to build up your reputation and also contribute to retirement. Even if your net is zero, it’s worth it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

He’s semi retired so he could if he wanted to. He’s playing golf tomorrow.

Listen, everyone’s experience is different. I come from the tech world where everyone is about FIRE. Many people keep working after that but it’s different when you know you have the money to say eff it at any time.

What I’ve learned is that when people come into money, they usually quit their demanding jobs. If they stay in the same field, it’s as investors, or they work on passion projects, or do hey consult. But most people give up the daily grind.

So you really don't belong in this discussion. Neither you nor your husband are working full time and trying to raise a family. Why don't you butt out?

Why should I butt out? I’m a SAHM too.

DP.
I don’t know. These threads always seem to assume that:
1). No women want to quit their jobs unless they are lazy, lack ambition, and have no self-respect
2). All men DO want to quit their jobs, no matter how ambitious they are, how much they love their job, or how much of their identity is tied up in their job title
3). Men need to be protected from these lazy women who are making them work.
4). If part of the reason a woman isn’t working is because she is taking care of everything at home, then that is her own fault. She should have married better.
5). Even if she married a “bad man” who isn’t contributing to household chores and childcare, this man still needs to be protected against this evil, lazy woman who is keeping him from retirement.

New poster. You nailed the way these threads tend to go. You're exactly right. There's a powerful, ugly recurring theme on all these forums where SAH women are painted as lazy vampires sucking up men's life force and money, and no task any SAH woman does is really a contribution of any substantial kind.

+1

It’s called sexism and it’s alive and well on DCUM and in life. Depressing.

Assuming either that men should work or all love to work is just as sexist as assuming all women want to have children or want to stay home with their kids or should stay home with their kids etc. That is the point people are making. The people who see a SAH as having no value are a small minority or are really just trolls trying to work you up. Don't take the bait.

I get what you are saying here. No, I don’t think that all men love to work, but some men (and some women) enjoy their work and find it meaningful. But the reason pp was told to butt out was that her husband is already retired, so she doesn’t fit the narrative of the soul sucking vampire SAHM.

Exactly. They also don't like that she can actually answer the question of "what would you do if you divorced or he died." She'd walk away with her share of half their assets (presumably millions since they're retired in their 40s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

I am (well, was) a SAHM of five. They are all grown and living their best lives now. I don’t remember watching much television when my kids were at home. Even when they were all in school, I was busy. I remember actively seeking out opportunities for self-care just to keep myself healthy. My goal was always to get as much done during the day as possible so that DH could come home and spend time with me and the kids without worrying about cleaning, errands, laundry, etc. I tried to have homework done, kids bathed, everything organized so that our evenings were relaxing and stress free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Agree with you on that. The reasons to not work because of daycare costs and income tax show that the person only thinks short term and not long term. You work to build up your reputation and also contribute to retirement. Even if your net is zero, it’s worth it to work.

I know. They are usually religious and think that there is something valuable about human life outside of maximizing earnings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

I am (well, was) a SAHM of five. They are all grown and living their best lives now. I don’t remember watching much television when my kids were at home. Even when they were all in school, I was busy. I remember actively seeking out opportunities for self-care just to keep myself healthy. My goal was always to get as much done during the day as possible so that DH could come home and spend time with me and the kids without worrying about cleaning, errands, laundry, etc. I tried to have homework done, kids bathed, everything organized so that our evenings were relaxing and stress free.

I have always worked full-time from home. I had a nanny until my kids were in preschool 9-3 and then I did it on my own. BUT, I only have 2 kids. There is no way I could keep up our lifestyle if I had more than 2, especially because I did more on the home front since my spouse worked longer hours. I love big families, but any more than 2 would have personally killed me . 5 is a full-time job +2. I am sure it is so rewarding now.