SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

He’s semi retired so he could if he wanted to. He’s playing golf tomorrow.

Listen, everyone’s experience is different. I come from the tech world where everyone is about FIRE. Many people keep working after that but it’s different when you know you have the money to say eff it at any time.

What I’ve learned is that when people come into money, they usually quit their demanding jobs. If they stay in the same field, it’s as investors, or they work on passion projects, or do hey consult. But most people give up the daily grind.

So you really don't belong in this discussion. Neither you nor your husband are working full time and trying to raise a family. Why don't you butt out?

Why should I butt out? I’m a SAHM too.

DP.
I don’t know. These threads always seem to assume that:
1). No women want to quit their jobs unless they are lazy, lack ambition, and have no self-respect
2). All men DO want to quit their jobs, no matter how ambitious they are, how much they love their job, or how much of their identity is tied up in their job title
3). Men need to be protected from these lazy women who are making them work.
4). If part of the reason a woman isn’t working is because she is taking care of everything at home, then that is her own fault. She should have married better.
5). Even if she married a “bad man” who isn’t contributing to household chores and childcare, this man still needs to be protected against this evil, lazy woman who is keeping him from retirement.

New poster. You nailed the way these threads tend to go. You're exactly right. There's a powerful, ugly recurring theme on all these forums where SAH women are painted as lazy vampires sucking up men's life force and money, and no task any SAH woman does is really a contribution of any substantial kind.

+1

It’s called sexism and it’s alive and well on DCUM and in life. Depressing.

I wonder sometimes if it stems from a sexual attraction to someone in their friend circle married to a SAHM. Divorce almost always gets brought up very early.

I think it’s more how every woman who is a SAHM on here has a perfect marriage and is a former biglaw associate/partner. And spends her days doing yoga and shopping. Meanwhile, actual statistics about parents that don’t work out of the home suggest that this person quite possibly doesn’t exist.

If her husband makes enough to support the family, why do you or anyone care what she does?

They secretly think the SAHM’s high earning husband should leave her and marry them. That’s why the first question is always “what will you do if you divorce?”

PP. you missed the entire point of my posts. I think that there is likely one poster who falls into this category and a lot of SAHM with free time to post fantasies on anonymous boards with some sort of axe to grind. I worked in big law for a number of years and agree it sucks and many people left once they had kids but not one of them became a SAHM. My DH makes a lot and in WOH and everyone else I know who is a partner their wives all work (they all seem to be nurses or also in Big Law). I also think if you read the OP it’s clear this woman is not wealthy yet that doesn’t stop you guys from finding an excuse to spilling your fantastic tales of things that never were.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Agree with you on that. The reasons to not work because of daycare costs and income tax show that the person only thinks short term and not long term. You work to build up your reputation and also contribute to retirement. Even if your net is zero, it’s worth it to work.

I guess it depends on your priorities. Some people prioritize maximizing earnings in which case, yes, it's worth it to stay in the workforce during those early "break even" years. Other people prioritize a less hectic home life. Neither is right or wrong. You just have to choose a compatible spouse.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

She had a lot of time for unprotected sex though! LOL!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I work full-time, actually.

Don't be dense. It's an anonymous forum. It's not always the same person responding.

You don't know why each woman ends up where she ends up, all her circumstances.

And also, people in glass houses... As though any of us is perfect and has made only great decisions all the time. People make mistakes. People have bad luck. People have tough lives.

If you are fortunate, be thankful, give back, but also, save your judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

My mother sure did. She's why I don't subscribe to the holy sainted angel view of SAHMs really are just lazy.

I'm also highly suspicious of women who proclaim they want to be SAHM pre kids. I also think that points to someone who is lazy and childish. That's just what life experience has showed me.

Totally different view of deciding to SAHM once kids are in the picture provided you are going to treat it like your job. You can truly afford it and your kids won't be forced into loans or military service to survive adulthood and your kids aren't running the streets and you're missing developmental red flags etc.

And you make good use if your free time DHs mother was also a SAHM . She did it right and when her kids got older she did some flexible volunteering in her community which she liked having a bit of identity away from wife and mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I work full-time, actually.

Don't be dense. It's an anonymous forum. It's not always the same person responding.

You don't know why each woman ends up where she ends up, all her circumstances.

And also, people in glass houses... As though any of us is perfect and has made only great decisions all the time. People make mistakes. People have bad luck. People have tough lives.

If you are fortunate, be thankful, give back, but also, save your judgment.

It's not a mistake to be a lazy adult it's a choice and not one we should be encouraging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

I think you are lazy, but in the other hand I am jealous.

[Anonymous]

Who keeps bumping this thread? It's tired and uninteresting. Let it die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually most of us drive white SUVs these days. Also we lean towards wearing Athleta and Patagonia because they're B Corps.

Love you 💋

[Anonymous]

Reading the thread men who are incapable of caretaking because the original poster is about to get surgery and her husband has no idea how to do anything in his house to help her is a stark reminder that you are the only person in your household who is cooking cleaning and doing laundry and taking care of the kids it can absolutely bite you in the ass if you're taken out of commission and your spouse is a totally incapable of picking up slack

[Anonymous]

Imagine if all you excuse makers applied all of this abundance of energy you're putting toward begging another adult to fully financially support you -- and put it toward getting an actual JOB. Oh, the things you could do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Well, you shouldn't, so he'll need to step up, but you also likely have to realize that some things you do he may not consider valuable like baking fresh bread every day.


OP, my mother was a SAHM and I honestly don't think I benefited from it greatly. She like you wanted to stay home and do all the things you list. Great ! Live your dream, except her dreams came with the cost of her kids having to take out loans to go to college.

Your kids don't need freshly baked bread every day. They would hugely benefit from not having to take out loans to go to school and your income could help build a nice little nest egg so college could be covered for them.

I agree. My mom was SAHM and I never liked that. It was five of us, we literally were poor. I wanted my mom to work and hustle for us.

I guess if I grew up poor, and my parents had 5 kids, I would have been pissed too. If you are poor (or even if you are not poor) have a small number of kids that you can afford to raise well. You are a human being not a canine. You don't have a litter, FFS.

No one owes you college. Reality is she couldn't afford to work with five kids.

So incredibly selfish to bring children in the world and then not do everything you can to make sure ey get the best shot of caring for themselves.

So incredibly privileged of you to make a statement like that and not have a clue that there are a million stories out there where people are good and decent and hardworking and can't pay for their kid's college.

Get your head out of your butt.

But that has nothing to do with you who sits on her ass all day knowing she could do something to improve her children's situation but is actively choosing not to so she can watch TV.

At the very least you could spend your time volunteering to improve the situation for the impoverished people you are so concerned about.

I doubt any mother of 5 kids living in the house has a lot of time for TV.

I am (well, was) a SAHM of five. They are all grown and living their best lives now. I don’t remember watching much television when my kids were at home. Even when they were all in school, I was busy. I remember actively seeking out opportunities for self-care just to keep myself healthy. My goal was always to get as much done during the day as possible so that DH could come home and spend time with me and the kids without worrying about cleaning, errands, laundry, etc. I tried to have homework done, kids bathed, everything organized so that our evenings were relaxing and stress free.

Ignore the jealous posters who wished they could have stayed home with their kids. Obviously they regret it.

You had a full time job, and good for you. I did the same, my kids are very successful young adults. We are set financially because we lived under our means and maxed out the retirements. I laugh because the family court also consider the SAH parent as having a equal job. I mainly only see the jealousy on this forum for some reason. When I was home many women told me they wished they could do the same. I figure it was either finances, or they married the wrong guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

He’s semi retired so he could if he wanted to. He’s playing golf tomorrow.

Listen, everyone’s experience is different. I come from the tech world where everyone is about FIRE. Many people keep working after that but it’s different when you know you have the money to say eff it at any time.

What I’ve learned is that when people come into money, they usually quit their demanding jobs. If they stay in the same field, it’s as investors, or they work on passion projects, or do hey consult. But most people give up the daily grind.

So you really don't belong in this discussion. Neither you nor your husband are working full time and trying to raise a family. Why don't you butt out?

Why should I butt out? I’m a SAHM too.

DP.
I don’t know. These threads always seem to assume that:
1). No women want to quit their jobs unless they are lazy, lack ambition, and have no self-respect
2). All men DO want to quit their jobs, no matter how ambitious they are, how much they love their job, or how much of their identity is tied up in their job title
3). Men need to be protected from these lazy women who are making them work.
4). If part of the reason a woman isn’t working is because she is taking care of everything at home, then that is her own fault. She should have married better.
5). Even if she married a “bad man” who isn’t contributing to household chores and childcare, this man still needs to be protected against this evil, lazy woman who is keeping him from retirement.

New poster. You nailed the way these threads tend to go. You're exactly right. There's a powerful, ugly recurring theme on all these forums where SAH women are painted as lazy vampires sucking up men's life force and money, and no task any SAH woman does is really a contribution of any substantial kind.

+1

It’s called sexism and it’s alive and well on DCUM and in life. Depressing.

I don't think so. It's quite a few miserable men who keep posting.

And angry working women who can't be SAHMs for whatever reason. Pay no attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if all you excuse makers applied all of this abundance of energy you're putting toward begging another adult to fully financially support you -- and put it toward getting an actual JOB. Oh, the things you could do!

Tell us! It sounds like you put all of the energy that a SAHM might put towards maintaining her health, her home, and her relationships with her family and friends into your J-O-B! What, exactly, did you do?
Was it worth it did you?
Was it worth it for your husband not to have time to relax or have a hobby either because evenings the kids must be driven to their various activities, and weekends must be spent on attending activities, yard work, and meal prep?
And after you have created these well-rounded humans for their college application process, is this your plan for them? That they put nearly all of their energy into a J-O-B? Put what’s left over into running their households, and spend whatever is leftover posting on DCUM because they don’t have real friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if all you excuse makers applied all of this abundance of energy you're putting toward begging another adult to fully financially support you -- and put it toward getting an actual JOB. Oh, the things you could do!

Tell us! It sounds like you put all of the energy that a SAHM might put towards maintaining her health, her home, and her relationships with her family and friends into your J-O-B! What, exactly, did you do?
Was it worth it did you?
Was it worth it for your husband not to have time to relax or have a hobby either because evenings the kids must be driven to their various activities, and weekends must be spent on attending activities, yard work, and meal prep?
And after you have created these well-rounded humans for their college application process, is this your plan for them? That they put nearly all of their energy into a J-O-B? Put what’s left over into running their households, and spend whatever is leftover posting on DCUM because they don’t have real friends?

You're assuming it's a woman poster. Most likely a angry male who has issues with women.

Think about it. Any normal person doesn't care what another families life choices are. If they are that invested to make nasty comments there are some real issues going on in their life.

If anything I feel sorry for that poster, so miserable.