holiday visits to god-awful hometowns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

What about other parts of america, even in red states, do they view all of that as dangerous too apart from their town?

It sounds like you don't enjoy spending time with your parents (which may be fair) but that's a separate issue than the location.

They hate their blue state’s government and rant about how dangerous the city is. And honestly, whenever we have visited and gone into the city, my mother gets so nervous. It’s like we’re trying to enjoy ourselves and now we’re being told we’re going into a war zone. I wish they would move to Florida or the Texas Coast. They’d save a bundle, feel safer, and would have political reps they agree with. I don’t like visiting, but they complain about the place too. It’s like talking to people stuck in mud and you keep saying here to grab a branch and they won’t.

You’ve got to stop fixating on wanting your parents to move. They’re not going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

What about other parts of america, even in red states, do they view all of that as dangerous too apart from their town?

It sounds like you don't enjoy spending time with your parents (which may be fair) but that's a separate issue than the location.

They hate their blue state’s government and rant about how dangerous the city is. And honestly, whenever we have visited and gone into the city, my mother gets so nervous. It’s like we’re trying to enjoy ourselves and now we’re being told we’re going into a war zone. I wish they would move to Florida or the Texas Coast. They’d save a bundle, feel safer, and would have political reps they agree with. I don’t like visiting, but they complain about the place too. It’s like talking to people stuck in mud and you keep saying here to grab a branch and they won’t.

You’ve got to stop fixating on wanting your parents to move. They’re not going to.

+1. I think you're trying to justify not wanting to go, but you don't have to. Figure out a middle ground. It doesn't always have to be on their "joyless" turf. And it doesn't always have to be at Christmas. You matter too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you grow up there?
Can you just resign yourself to getting around to wherever the way you did as a teen?

OP here. I grew up there and was thrilled to go away to school. Other than them, I have no ties there. My parents talked about moving for years, and I looked forward to hearing them finally say they found a place. At this point, visiting them feels like going to Miss Havisham's but the tragedy wasn't being left at the altar, it was the kids growing up. Part of it is the feeling in the house, I have to admit. They're not a happy couple. There's no joy there.

It sounds like it must be more to do with the tension in the house? It has to be. Because a suburb that’s not walkable to a cute downtown with coffee shops and bookstores and holiday decorations is …. Not unusual. It’s actually the norm. It’s sort of like saying “I hate visiting my hometown because there isn’t even a water park within the city limits!” It’s like…. yeah that’s pretty normal? Don’t get me wrong, walkable Star Hollow-like downtowns are great, but saying you hate visiting your parents because they don’t have one is weird. Especially since you can apparently metro into a large city!!

That being said if you want to stay home for Christmas then stay home. We do. But it’s not because my parents and in laws live in sprawling suburbs without a coffee shop we can walk to. It’s because flying over the holidays sucks and my kids (and I!) want to relax at home for Christmas

+1 Sounds like you're unhappier with your parents causing a bad vibe, than the "god-awful" town itself (which doesn't sound too awful if it's that close to a city/airport.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you just don't like your parents.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you just don't go one year? It sounds like a pain to get to. Just say, sorry Mom and Dad, we can't come this year for Christmas but you're welcome to come to us! And if they don't then visit them at a more convenient, cheaper time.

[Anonymous]

If the kids can read, 3 days is no time at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to take a guess that it's someplace like Pine Plains, NY or maybe Heathsville/Reedville, VA except the house is not on the water.

If any of you have been to those places, it's pretty boring if you don't have waterfront property in case of the latter or there are no state hikes/nature preserves in case of the former. For locals, there is the community but for visitors there just isn't an emotional tether. And it's a long journey to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to take a guess that it's someplace like Pine Plains, NY or maybe Heathsville/Reedville, VA except the house is not on the water.

If any of you have been to those places, it's pretty boring if you don't have waterfront property in case of the latter or there are no state hikes/nature preserves in case of the former. For locals, there is the community but for visitors there just isn't an emotional tether. And it's a long journey to get there.

Reedville VA is not a metro ride into a major city. OP is probably describing a place that’s more like Mantua or any of those similar hoods in Fairfax or something.

[Anonymous]

We just focus on the family. And go for walks. Stay inside and play games. No, it’s not exciting, but it’s quality time with people who aren’t in a position to travel or meet to do things we might want to do. But it’s 3 or 4 days. My almost adult kids, nieces and nephews and I all travel together and have fun being together.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP ‘s family has been dealing with multiple problems.

1. Her parents are unhappy and unpleasant to be around. This is really sad to spend Christmas as prisoners to two unhappy, mean spirited and critical people.
2. The location being bad makes it even worse as OP’s family can’t experience and joy at the holiday. They are locked into the above dynamic with nothing to look forward to other than leaving.
3. If the location isn’t at a hub, requires connections, rental cars and lots of gas it can get very expensive.

I agree with others that you can invite to your house or on a cruise. If they decline, that’s their choice. Obligation done. For your own kids, give them a nice holiday.

Now I really really want to know what town this is or at least what state. There are only 16 cities in the US with a metro. They are in big cities, coastal cities, or Georgia, Texas. Since OP mentioned it isn’t warm and is a blue state and is expensive to travel I couldn’t find any city that isn’t a hub. Maybe OP meant light rail and it’s a town outside Portland or Connecticut . However Oregon is beautiful and OPs family could do many day trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP ‘s family has been dealing with multiple problems.

1. Her parents are unhappy and unpleasant to be around. This is really sad to spend Christmas as prisoners to two unhappy, mean spirited and critical people.
2. The location being bad makes it even worse as OP’s family can’t experience and joy at the holiday. They are locked into the above dynamic with nothing to look forward to other than leaving.
3. If the location isn’t at a hub, requires connections, rental cars and lots of gas it can get very expensive.

I agree with others that you can invite to your house or on a cruise. If they decline, that’s their choice. Obligation done. For your own kids, give them a nice holiday.

Now I really really want to know what town this is or at least what state. There are only 16 cities in the US with a metro. They are in big cities, coastal cities, or Georgia, Texas. Since OP mentioned it isn’t warm and is a blue state and is expensive to travel I couldn’t find any city that isn’t a hub. Maybe OP meant light rail and it’s a town outside Portland or Connecticut . However Oregon is beautiful and OPs family could do many day trips.

hahaha, I want to know too! I can commiserate a bit because it sounds like DH's hometown and ILs' dynamic except ILs are two hours from the nearest airport/ any sizable city (no metro). We rarely travel at the holidays there anymore, we pick a different time to go. No one wants to travel to us for a holiday, ever. Parents' health is starting to become an issue but it wasn't for the first 10 years we had kids, they just didn't want to come. At least with my parents we can drive so we will often have Christmas at home and then drive there for a few days over the winter break. But I'm just done prioritizing our time off and $$ when no one else will do the same in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been in the same house for 40+ years in my cookie-cutter hometown. We're visiting for Christmas and DH and I have agreed this is not how we want to spend future holidays when we have time off. The kids are older and get antsy after two days. The only thing of interest to do is drive or take the metro into the big nearby city, but even that has gotten old. For those who are also obliged to spend their time off more or less sitting in their parents living room eating coffee cake being asked questions about people you haven't seen in decades, how do you cope?

This isn't even a walkable place with a pretty downtown with Christmas lights and coffee shops and bookstores. Walking around there isn't even safe. It's a sprawling suburb off a busy road that no one in their right mind would want to walk. No paved walkway for pedestrians. You're literally tiptoeing on a narrow dirt path through weeds to get to a Starbucks a mile away. My parents, of course, think it's a wonderful place and don't understand why we are bored or ask about meeting elsewhere for the holidays. I've suggested cruises, meeting up in a pretty tourist destination, anything. But they refuse.

It’s big enough to have a metro connect it to a big city, how bad can it really be? Why can’t you just enjoy being with your parents for a few days and find things to do in the city with a metro?

There are only about 15 cities in the US that have a subway system, and most of those cities are fairly large.

+1 Not sure what the issue is. This sounds very standard, even better than most if you’re near a big city. The town I grew up in is 2.5 hours from the closest airport - very remote, and I’ve never felt this way. Sounds more like you just don’t want to spend time with your parents.

[Anonymous]

I hate MAGA and I'd rather spend time with OPs parents than with her and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you just don't like your parents.

+1! Just stop visiting, OP! Tell your kids that their grandparents died and move on with your life. Just don’t be surprised if the same thing happens to you some day, because you sound more like your parents than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

OP -- why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to spend time with your parents? Stop looking for excuses.

My parents live in a town that definitely doesn't have a metro connecting it to the big city. You know what we do when we stay with them? Fix all the things they didn't notice or didn't have the energy to fix, declutter the things they need decluttered, and buy the things that would make their lives better when we leave.

NP. That's wonderful that they accept your help (or at least look the other way). My parents get angry when we try and help declutter (even though they constantly complain about their "stuff."). If we try and organize or switch their prescriptions to delivery or a drive through pharmacy or anything else helpful, they decline. Your suggestion of spending Christmas vacation in service of older parents might not actually be well-received by those parents...

So you aren’t able to figure out how to serve your parents at all? Give me a break. Your parents might not like what my parents do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like anything. Find out what they do like and do that.