holiday visits to god-awful hometowns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP ‘s family has been dealing with multiple problems.

1. Her parents are unhappy and unpleasant to be around. This is really sad to spend Christmas as prisoners to two unhappy, mean spirited and critical people.
2. The location being bad makes it even worse as OP’s family can’t experience and joy at the holiday. They are locked into the above dynamic with nothing to look forward to other than leaving.
3. If the location isn’t at a hub, requires connections, rental cars and lots of gas it can get very expensive.

I agree with others that you can invite to your house or on a cruise. If they decline, that’s their choice. Obligation done. For your own kids, give them a nice holiday.

Now I really really want to know what town this is or at least what state. There are only 16 cities in the US with a metro. They are in big cities, coastal cities, or Georgia, Texas. Since OP mentioned it isn’t warm and is a blue state and is expensive to travel I couldn’t find any city that isn’t a hub. Maybe OP meant light rail and it’s a town outside Portland or Connecticut . However Oregon is beautiful and OPs family could do many day trips.

hahaha, I want to know too! I can commiserate a bit because it sounds like DH's hometown and ILs' dynamic except ILs are two hours from the nearest airport/ any sizable city (no metro). We rarely travel at the holidays there anymore, we pick a different time to go. No one wants to travel to us for a holiday, ever. Parents' health is starting to become an issue but it wasn't for the first 10 years we had kids, they just didn't want to come. At least with my parents we can drive so we will often have Christmas at home and then drive there for a few days over the winter break. But I'm just done prioritizing our time off and $$ when no one else will do the same in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been in the same house for 40+ years in my cookie-cutter hometown. We're visiting for Christmas and DH and I have agreed this is not how we want to spend future holidays when we have time off. The kids are older and get antsy after two days. The only thing of interest to do is drive or take the metro into the big nearby city, but even that has gotten old. For those who are also obliged to spend their time off more or less sitting in their parents living room eating coffee cake being asked questions about people you haven't seen in decades, how do you cope?

This isn't even a walkable place with a pretty downtown with Christmas lights and coffee shops and bookstores. Walking around there isn't even safe. It's a sprawling suburb off a busy road that no one in their right mind would want to walk. No paved walkway for pedestrians. You're literally tiptoeing on a narrow dirt path through weeds to get to a Starbucks a mile away. My parents, of course, think it's a wonderful place and don't understand why we are bored or ask about meeting elsewhere for the holidays. I've suggested cruises, meeting up in a pretty tourist destination, anything. But they refuse.

It’s big enough to have a metro connect it to a big city, how bad can it really be? Why can’t you just enjoy being with your parents for a few days and find things to do in the city with a metro?

There are only about 15 cities in the US that have a subway system, and most of those cities are fairly large.

+1 Not sure what the issue is. This sounds very standard, even better than most if you’re near a big city. The town I grew up in is 2.5 hours from the closest airport - very remote, and I’ve never felt this way. Sounds more like you just don’t want to spend time with your parents.

[Anonymous]

I hate MAGA and I'd rather spend time with OPs parents than with her and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you just don't like your parents.

+1! Just stop visiting, OP! Tell your kids that their grandparents died and move on with your life. Just don’t be surprised if the same thing happens to you some day, because you sound more like your parents than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

OP -- why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to spend time with your parents? Stop looking for excuses.

My parents live in a town that definitely doesn't have a metro connecting it to the big city. You know what we do when we stay with them? Fix all the things they didn't notice or didn't have the energy to fix, declutter the things they need decluttered, and buy the things that would make their lives better when we leave.

NP. That's wonderful that they accept your help (or at least look the other way). My parents get angry when we try and help declutter (even though they constantly complain about their "stuff."). If we try and organize or switch their prescriptions to delivery or a drive through pharmacy or anything else helpful, they decline. Your suggestion of spending Christmas vacation in service of older parents might not actually be well-received by those parents...

So you aren’t able to figure out how to serve your parents at all? Give me a break. Your parents might not like what my parents do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like anything. Find out what they do like and do that.

[Anonymous]

I can’t think of any cities with a metro system in a blue state that wouldn’t be a direct flight. And have fun things to do. Something doesn’t add up.

I don’t know why OP is being so cagey about location, it isn’t like her parents are going to be on DCUM.

Anyway, if it were me, I would go maybe once every other year for three days, and find fun things to do while there to get out of the house as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

OP -- why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to spend time with your parents? Stop looking for excuses.

My parents live in a town that definitely doesn't have a metro connecting it to the big city. You know what we do when we stay with them? Fix all the things they didn't notice or didn't have the energy to fix, declutter the things they need decluttered, and buy the things that would make their lives better when we leave.

NP. That's wonderful that they accept your help (or at least look the other way). My parents get angry when we try and help declutter (even though they constantly complain about their "stuff."). If we try and organize or switch their prescriptions to delivery or a drive through pharmacy or anything else helpful, they decline. Your suggestion of spending Christmas vacation in service of older parents might not actually be well-received by those parents...

So you aren’t able to figure out how to serve your parents at all? Give me a break. Your parents might not like what my parents do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like anything. Find out what they do like and do that.

This is the problem with some (but not all) people who have functional families. They don't understand that some people are so difficult there is nothing you can do to make them happy or help them. I will give you one more small example (and I have many)- my mom says she wants gifts but doesn't ever have suggestions of what she might like. If she doesn't like what we give her, she will hand it to us at the door and say we can keep it. One year she gave me back a specific potted plant that I bought her, and then a few months later, asked me why I never bought her something like that EXACT same plant. Some people are just difficult. They are doing it on purpose. Glad you don't have to deal with that but you also don't get a pat on the back for being more helpful than others.

[Anonymous]

Go after Christmas for a few days. I can’t believe you can’t figure out things to do. Other people with teens live in this sprawling suburb don’t they?

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. Do you ever lack imagination.

I grew up in Farmland, Indiana. Google it. Population about 1,500; one stop light and two stop signs.

After we’ve exhausted the one thing there is to do in my hometown, and quiet things at my parents’ home, we’re off on small 30- or 60-minute drives. In about an hour, I can take my kids to the world-class Indianapolis Children’s Museum. In 20 minutes, I can take them to an Amish market. In 30 minutes, we could be in Anderson, Indiana, at the historic Paramount Theater, taking in the frescoed ceiling and going to the Festival of Trees. Or at Mounds State Park, the Native American museum and burial ground.

OR, we can resign ourselves to Farmland Living, and simply take walks or go into the local Dollar Tree or Wal-Mart. We can go to the library, or a playground.

Boring people are bored. If I can make do of fun things to do with Farmland, Indiana as my central location, I assure you you can find some sort of way to entertain yourself. Go to a movie, FFS.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in a.neighborhood that has seriously gone downhill since we grew up there many years ago so it’s not just boring but seriously unsafe. They should have moved out many years ago but never did. The grocery store is in the same bad neighborhood etc. Literally nowhere safe to walk around etc.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this. We keep visits kind of short and go during times of year when there is more stuff to do (summer when there is hiking). We arrange visits around meals and the two okay restaurants in town. We bring lots to read. I took up crochet on one of these visits.

We don't spend Christmas there and never will because the visits are not fun and why ruin a holiday we could enjoy?

I thinky DH hates these visits even more than I fo because his family irritates him so much. For me it's more just tedious.

When his mom dies, I think we will never go back there again.

[Anonymous]

We go to the Y pool. We go to the Y gym. We go to the two Amish stores. We walk the parks. We walk around Walmart. We go to the farmers market. We read books. Some go bowling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate MAGA and I'd rather spend time with OPs parents than with her and her family.

I missed it, is she MAGA??
If yes, instead of hometown visit, go volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Look at what you have done to our people. Then go to constitution center in Philly and see what you’ve done to our country. Then go and sit in a hospital lobby and see the pain and suffering and insurmountable debt of healthcare now. Look at what has been done in less than a year. Then sit and think about how to make this right.

The hometown visit can wait.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is less that her parents live in boring suburbia (I mean most of us do in fact live in boring suburbia!) and more that her parents are a tedious visit. The whole “sitting in the living room eating coffee cake and hearing gossip about people from 40 years ago” kind of thing. I’m also assuming they live in a colder weather kind of place, I’m assuming the exurbs of Chicago or Minneapolis or something, so getting out during Christmas can potentially be a chore and outdoor activity is maybe out of the question.

I’d just give the same advice I always say: stay in a hotel, breakfast and maybe hit the gym in the morning at the hotel if they have one, come to your parents house after breakfast - 10 am-ish, spend the day there, leave after dinner. Repeat for 3 days. Do you have any work to get caught up on? Any boring mandatory trainings to knock out before the end of the year? If so bring your work laptop and spend a few hours trying to get some work done if at all possible.

I don’t know how old your kids are but my kids like doing regular stuff in another area and just seeing what they have. They like the mall where my parents live just because it’s different than what we have. They like the trampoline park in the strip mall because it’s different. Their local restaurants, their used book store, their stores (Meijer especially!) etc. etc. Yes it’s all in typical strip malls but it’s different for kids. You could also try to find a hotel with an indoor pool and spend some time there too. Kids love that stuff.

My IL’s live in a lot smaller of a town than my parents so it’s more challenging, but even so - their town has a gigantic McDonalds with an indoor play room. There’s also a nice park and playground which we try to go to if it’s not 20 degrees out. Otherwise we just bring our streaming service logins and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

There has to be more to the story. One set of my grandparents grew up literally in the middle of nowhere. My dad had no desire to move back there but we all loved just spending time with them when we visited. We didn’t get to go often but as kids we appreciated spending time with them and taking a step out of our regular routines and environment.