holiday visits to god-awful hometowns

[Anonymous]

Surely you can find something to do. Aren’t there any trails to go walking n anywhere n the vicinity? A park, or lake somewhere to walk around? How long has your family been there? A few years ago 3 generations of my family piled in the car the day after Christmas and explored and discovered old family homes and such. Admittedly, we spent a good bit of time at cemeteries searching for markers of past generations, but we had a great time discovering and discussing family history and stories. Had lunch at a diner my mom remembered from her childhood. The teen/ early adult grandkids loved it.
Make your own experiences, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess.. you are headed our way...

Loudoun?
Fairfax County?

This was what I was thinking too. DC is the only US city that I know of that calls their transit system “Metro”

Plus, some of the outer burbs are downright depressing. But there is generally stuff to do. My kids could spend hours at a super H Mart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

OP -- why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to spend time with your parents? Stop looking for excuses.

My parents live in a town that definitely doesn't have a metro connecting it to the big city. You know what we do when we stay with them? Fix all the things they didn't notice or didn't have the energy to fix, declutter the things they need decluttered, and buy the things that would make their lives better when we leave.

NP. That's wonderful that they accept your help (or at least look the other way). My parents get angry when we try and help declutter (even though they constantly complain about their "stuff."). If we try and organize or switch their prescriptions to delivery or a drive through pharmacy or anything else helpful, they decline. Your suggestion of spending Christmas vacation in service of older parents might not actually be well-received by those parents...

So you aren’t able to figure out how to serve your parents at all? Give me a break. Your parents might not like what my parents do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like anything. Find out what they do like and do that.

This is the problem with some (but not all) people who have functional families. They don't understand that some people are so difficult there is nothing you can do to make them happy or help them. I will give you one more small example (and I have many)- my mom says she wants gifts but doesn't ever have suggestions of what she might like. If she doesn't like what we give her, she will hand it to us at the door and say we can keep it. One year she gave me back a specific potted plant that I bought her, and then a few months later, asked me why I never bought her something like that EXACT same plant. Some people are just difficult. They are doing it on purpose. Glad you don't have to deal with that but you also don't get a pat on the back for being more helpful than others.

So just don't visit her. You're an adult, and you get to choose with whom you spend your time. Nobody is forcing you to spend time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP PPs have given some ideas about making it more enjoyable and manageable. Also, if you grew up there, are there still people you know that you could meet up with? Do any of them have same-age kids?

And you don't need your parents agreement to go elsewhere for Xmas or other holidays. Just do it. Our situation is not the same but we often travel over the holidays and sometimes bring my parents or DH's. If they can't afford it, can you offer to pay or cover some expenses? You're already paying to fly for the Xmas you're describing here.

It's been 30+ years. There's no one there I'd meet up with. Everyone I was close to moved away or I lost touch with.

They're really not interested in traveling. They see the world as a dangerous place (thank you, FOX). We took a trip with them a few years ago. I don't think they enjoyed it.

OP -- why not just admit to yourself that you don't want to spend time with your parents? Stop looking for excuses.

My parents live in a town that definitely doesn't have a metro connecting it to the big city. You know what we do when we stay with them? Fix all the things they didn't notice or didn't have the energy to fix, declutter the things they need decluttered, and buy the things that would make their lives better when we leave.

NP. That's wonderful that they accept your help (or at least look the other way). My parents get angry when we try and help declutter (even though they constantly complain about their "stuff."). If we try and organize or switch their prescriptions to delivery or a drive through pharmacy or anything else helpful, they decline. Your suggestion of spending Christmas vacation in service of older parents might not actually be well-received by those parents...

So you aren’t able to figure out how to serve your parents at all? Give me a break. Your parents might not like what my parents do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like anything. Find out what they do like and do that.

This is the problem with some (but not all) people who have functional families. They don't understand that some people are so difficult there is nothing you can do to make them happy or help them. I will give you one more small example (and I have many)- my mom says she wants gifts but doesn't ever have suggestions of what she might like. If she doesn't like what we give her, she will hand it to us at the door and say we can keep it. One year she gave me back a specific potted plant that I bought her, and then a few months later, asked me why I never bought her something like that EXACT same plant. Some people are just difficult. They are doing it on purpose. Glad you don't have to deal with that but you also don't get a pat on the back for being more helpful than others.

So just don't visit her. You're an adult, and you get to choose with whom you spend your time. Nobody is forcing you to spend time with her.

+1. I have an uncle and aunt like this. One year they went too far with the criticism, and I decided then to cut them out of my life. Done. Life is too short for this type of nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are going to small town NE with two teens to visit 95 year old grandparents as we do every year. No it's not skiing in the alps or touring Japan but it's part of being a family. Baking, gingerbread house, board games, jigsaw puzzles...we stay for three days. You can do this OP

That is sweet but a little different. OP doesn't say her patients are too old to travel. I would be upset by their intransigence if it also cost $$$ and time to get there. When everyone is healthy , reasonable people are willing to alternate locales and be flexible.

NP. I can identify with this. For us, it's having to go back to our hometowns Every. Time. if we want to see our families over the holidays. There's no alternating or give and take. If we want our kids to see their grandparents, we have to go to them. My 9yo is even catching on to the ridiculousness of it because he sees his friends have extended family come to visit them, and this year asked, "why do meema/papa never come to see us for Christmas?" And honestly, I don't even know how to answer that. We don't travel for every holiday anymore but the whole dynamic has left me resentful.

[Anonymous]

When I saw God awful hometown in the title, I immediately thought of small poor towns in the middle of nowhere, not a suburb with metro access to a big city. Realistically this has to be either Chicago or NYC given she didn't say DC and this is DCUM. Or is OP making up a story to stir the pot? Because why else be so cagey with where her parents live? Just say Naperville or whatever Chicago suburb. Come to think of it, what city big enough with a metro to the outer suburbs far away is also a transfer (not direct) flight away? If OP meant light rail, places like Dallas or Denver are usually direct flights.

Just spend time with your folks. Play games. Talk about old days.

[Anonymous]

Once we had kids, we stayed home. My parents were so desperate to see babies on Christmas that they came for Christmas every year. Inlaws weren't interested sadly, but that's their loss. Christmas is the super bowl of parenting. Watching my kids open presents under their tree is peak parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are going to small town NE with two teens to visit 95 year old grandparents as we do every year. No it's not skiing in the alps or touring Japan but it's part of being a family. Baking, gingerbread house, board games, jigsaw puzzles...we stay for three days. You can do this OP

That is sweet but a little different. OP doesn't say her patients are too old to travel. I would be upset by their intransigence if it also cost $$$ and time to get there. When everyone is healthy , reasonable people are willing to alternate locales and be flexible.

NP. I can identify with this. For us, it's having to go back to our hometowns Every. Time. if we want to see our families over the holidays. There's no alternating or give and take. If we want our kids to see their grandparents, we have to go to them. My 9yo is even catching on to the ridiculousness of it because he sees his friends have extended family come to visit them, and this year asked, "why do meema/papa never come to see us for Christmas?" And honestly, I don't even know how to answer that. We don't travel for every holiday anymore but the whole dynamic has left me resentful.

You had the most pull when you had babies. 9 year olds don't even believe in santa, so less reason to stay home now.

[Anonymous]

Bowling
Movie theater
Bake xmas cookies
Escape room (they're everywhere now)
Random restaurant you loved as a kid / teen
Board games
Pottery painting place to paint mugs for grandma and grandpa
Walk the indoor mall
Local college basketball game
Random museums - even the smallest of towns have some weird museum
Cooking class
Walk at nearby nature preserve

Need more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I saw God awful hometown in the title, I immediately thought of small poor towns in the middle of nowhere, not a suburb with metro access to a big city. Realistically this has to be either Chicago or NYC given she didn't say DC and this is DCUM. Or is OP making up a story to stir the pot? Because why else be so cagey with where her parents live? Just say Naperville or whatever Chicago suburb. Come to think of it, what city big enough with a metro to the outer suburbs far away is also a transfer (not direct) flight away? If OP meant light rail, places like Dallas or Denver are usually direct flights.

Just spend time with your folks. Play games. Talk about old days.

You don’t and shouldn’t do this over Christmas. Flights are expensive. Everyone catches something either on the way there or back and then it’s dealing with that problem. Plus Christmas is now something to dread rather than enjoy and look forward to doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bowling
Movie theater
Bake xmas cookies
Escape room (they're everywhere now)
Random restaurant you loved as a kid / teen
Board games
Pottery painting place to paint mugs for grandma and grandpa
Walk the indoor mall
Local college basketball game
Random museums - even the smallest of towns have some weird museum
Cooking class
Walk at nearby nature preserve

Need more?

All these! We have to visit a relatively boring small city to see our relatives too. No city with a Metro nearby. We try to see a movie in the movie theater, get a massage, find a nature trail, visit playgrounds (if the weather is nice), go out to dinner at the one or two places that are actually good, do a puzzle, see a show at the local live theater, go to the mediocre sports events it has, go to an antique shop, etc. We try to do things that are all easier to do in the suburbs than where we live in the city--including random shopping if need be. My mom loves to go to places like Marshalls--I'll just suggest we go. She has fun. It's fine for me. Gets us out of the house.

Pretend you're a tourist (google "things to do in X city") and you may be surprised what you find. Even places a small drive away may be worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess.. you are headed our way...

Loudoun?
Fairfax County?

This was what I was thinking too. DC is the only US city that I know of that calls their transit system “Metro”

Plus, some of the outer burbs are downright depressing. But there is generally stuff to do. My kids could spend hours at a super H Mart

Many DCers call all transit systems the metro...hard to remember every city's name

[Anonymous]

Eat at chain restaurants and go to the mall! My kids love hitting up an Applebees when we're in nowheresville.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I saw God awful hometown in the title, I immediately thought of small poor towns in the middle of nowhere, not a suburb with metro access to a big city. Realistically this has to be either Chicago or NYC given she didn't say DC and this is DCUM. Or is OP making up a story to stir the pot? Because why else be so cagey with where her parents live? Just say Naperville or whatever Chicago suburb. Come to think of it, what city big enough with a metro to the outer suburbs far away is also a transfer (not direct) flight away? If OP meant light rail, places like Dallas or Denver are usually direct flights.

Just spend time with your folks. Play games. Talk about old days.

Naperville has a lively, picturesque downtown. It has to be some ugly industrial village with no sidewalks. Definitely sounds like Chicago though.

[Anonymous]

Where is it? So curious.