People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I reciprocate because I don’t want to come off as rude since I know some people are transactional. As a host, if I invite you, it’s because I enjoy your company and want to spend time with you. I don’t expect anything in return.

You really think it’s someone being “transactional” if you’ve (hypothetically) been to their house several times and you commented on their “amazing spread” and “wonderful hospitality” and never invited them to anything? Why even go to their house, then?

I would call that bad manners, but my parents raised me differently.

Yes, your parents raised you to be transactional.

The funny thing is if people would just relax and unclench, they’d get more invites places.

I get plenty of invites, thanks.

And you’re oblivious and rude, if we’re just throwing out insults.

And yes, THAT was deliberately transactional. Unlike what we are talking about re: hosting. 😌

Cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

I am not keeping. It is more obvious when it is never. 100-0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

Imagine the thread that would ensue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An eye for eye and tooth for tooth. People are so weird in dc where everything is transactional

OP here. I’m not transactional at all. I’m very inclusive for my kids birthday parties. I try not to leave people out.

There are just some people who never invite (to their home or to anything), never treat, never drive, never offer. That would probably even be fine. I would just maybe invite less or only to big parties. What irks me is when those same people who never ever invite us to anything are then in turn hurt that we didn’t invite them to XYZ. Their kids feel left out. Mom wonders why we are suddenly not including their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An eye for eye and tooth for tooth. People are so weird in dc where everything is transactional

OP here. I’m not transactional at all. I’m very inclusive for my kids birthday parties. I try not to leave people out.

There are just some people who never invite (to their home or to anything), never treat, never drive, never offer. That would probably even be fine. I would just maybe invite less or only to big parties. What irks me is when those same people who never ever invite us to anything are then in turn hurt that we didn’t invite them to XYZ. Their kids feel left out. Mom wonders why we are suddenly not including their kid.

You must have young kids. This will pass. Invite people you want to see. Don’t scorekeep. You never know who may be there for you in the years to come. You will figure out over time why people don’t host — maybe they have anxiety, maybe they don’t have the money, maybe they have a kid with serious behavioral issues, maybe their mom with dementia or their adult son with schizophrenia lives with them. All of this is stuff that is real in my friend group.

We are casual hosts. Like we invite 80 people to a game night, 30 come and we put up folding tables all over the house and garage. I provide a main (like a taco bar) and ask people to bring apps and desserts to share. It is still work to get the house ready, etc. But my husband 100% participates in the planning and prepping. We enjoy it and have invited people for more than a decade that never reciprocate. They are good people we are glad to have in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

No. OP clarified that in a follow up post.

Some of you set up strawman arguments just to argue for the sake of arguing.

OP, I am a PP and this thread has proven my point. People who never reciprocate (which doesn’t require hosting but does mean initiating) have their own issues or deficiencies. It could be physical or mental health issues, or a stressful family life, or they had a poor upbringing and were never taught social graces. Either way, it’s a “them” thing not a “you” thing. If you enjoy their company then invite them to larger gatherings. If you don’t then remove them from your list.

[Anonymous]

Also a very small house person. We host sometimes, but my kids do prefer to go over to houses where the entire basement is a dedicated kids' playroom. (We have our kids share a room and the third bedroom is set up as a playroom, but it's small and on the same level, not comparable at all.) We will have the occasional casual buffet style gathering but unfortunately we just don't have great space for hosting the way a lot of our friends do. This wasn't supposed to be our forever home, but I'm sure some of you are aware of the housing market.

I honestly miss when everyone met up at parks during/after covid, it evened the playing field, no cleaning required, and the kids had to be outside with no video games to turn to.

[Anonymous]

Some people make great hosts. Some people make great guests. Some people fall into both categories, but lots of people don’t.

I like to host parties so I appreciate people who are good guests that like to come to my parties. I don’t mind at all if they don’t reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

Yes. I would prefer that. Because I think you would eventually realize how lonely that is and get your act together and stop socially freeloading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

Yes. I would prefer that. Because I think you would eventually realize how lonely that is and get your act together and stop socially freeloading.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

No. OP clarified that in a follow up post.

Some of you set up strawman arguments just to argue for the sake of arguing.

OP, I am a PP and this thread has proven my point. People who never reciprocate (which doesn’t require hosting but does mean initiating) have their own issues or deficiencies. It could be physical or mental health issues, or a stressful family life, or they had a poor upbringing and were never taught social graces. Either way, it’s a “them” thing not a “you” thing. If you enjoy their company then invite them to larger gatherings. If you don’t then remove them from your list.

This is what I do. Slowly fade those who claim they will follow up and don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

This. Absolutely boggles my mind how some think they can just take and never give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

No. OP clarified that in a follow up post.

Some of you set up strawman arguments just to argue for the sake of arguing.

OP, I am a PP and this thread has proven my point. People who never reciprocate (which doesn’t require hosting but does mean initiating) have their own issues or deficiencies. It could be physical or mental health issues, or a stressful family life, or they had a poor upbringing and were never taught social graces. Either way, it’s a “them” thing not a “you” thing. If you enjoy their company then invite them to larger gatherings. If you don’t then remove them from your list.

I’m not arguing for the sake of arguing. OP said pretty clearly that she doesn’t like people who don’t reciprocate including
“ friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere.”

And “friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.”

I don’t know what she clarified. I think she is kind of a nut. If people are willing to spend their afternoon or evening with you, then they obviously like you. Who cares if you are the one who sends the initial “want to get together?” text?