I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I feel for you. I would also be heartbroken and really worried if this was my son who is currently 18 and has a gf that he seems head over heels for. And I worry that he might make decisions that is not the best for him.

My brother did something similar in that he basically does whatever his wife wants at the expense of his family. He has an estranged relationship with the rest of our family. The only saving grace is that he's not unhealthy. I think the wife makes sure he eats healthy, at least. I think that's why my parents tolerate her.

I would be okay not to have much contact with him, if his GF pushed him to pursue his dreams, hobbies and healthy eating/exercising habit.

My son was a big foodie (cooked restaurant quality dishes and had a dream one day to travel the world to learn cooking from world renowned chefs). He loved photography and singing (both at a professional level). He got paid for senior photography and was part of this singing troupe that gets invited to major international venues. He used to exercise regularly and loved to dress well. He was known for his keen dress sense and would help friends pick wardrobes. He has stopped all these over the last one and half years.

It kills me to see him give up so much. His association with his GF might just be correlation and not causation.

trolls always go to far

I think we just need to take it all with a huge grain of salt. The "cooked restaurant quality dishes" means OP was Mommie-level-impressed when DS taught himself how to make a french omelet on YouTube. The "paid for senior photography" was a gift card from his friend's parents when he experimented with taking senior pictures on his iPhone. The "singing troupe" that "gets invited to major international venues" is a high school or college madrigals group that went to a competition in Canada. I mean, maybe it was all slightly better than that, but we are hearing all of this through someone who has seen it through Mommie-colored-glasses. I never believe the grandiose crap people say about their kids. They are all little Einstein/Mozart/Federer.

Haha I know of exactly one kid from my dc’s school who was “interested in cooking” (that is all his mom said). He graduated from the CIA and opened his own restaurant before the age of 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he was too attached to you and is now too attached to her. Your best bet is to find a way to ingratiate yourself to her. If you just keep buttering her up you will end up with them and their kids back in your life. So just bite your tongue and be gracious the alternative will be bitterly disappointing to you he will absolutely choose her over you.

This is definitely a component of what is going on with him.

Did OP ever respond regarding his relationship with his father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

You do not know anything about drugs.

DP. They aren't "on drugs." What is with y'all? Is the ghost of 1985 Nancy Reagan sock puppeting all over this thread?

That isn’t the insult you think it is. Are you a loser who uses drugs casually?

[Anonymous]

Kids change a lot during 4 years of college and parents do feel cut off or distanced. However, transformation into adulthood requires growth, change and independence. All of this could be a phase too, once in professional life, things will reset.

Meanwhile, be supportive and engaged without being intrusive so he knows he can ask for your advice without a fear of judgement. He is your kid but now he is a man with a significant other and soon a working man. He deserves privacy and autonomy. AND stop calling his fiancee girlfriend, that's dismissive and could bite you down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids change a lot during 4 years of college and parents do feel cut off or distanced. However, transformation into adulthood requires growth, change and independence. All of this could be a phase too, once in professional life, things will reset.

Meanwhile, be supportive and engaged without being intrusive so he knows he can ask for your advice without a fear of judgement. He is your kid but now he is a man with a significant other and soon a working man. He deserves privacy and autonomy. AND stop calling his fiancee girlfriend, that's dismissive and could bite you down the road.

I appreciate your feedback.

I am not calling my son's fiancee his girlfriend. He is not engaged or has expressed any intention to marry her yet. He calls her his girlfriend and not his fiancee. I know the difference and would never be dismissive if he intended it to be that way.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, your first post mentioned a proposal so I assumed she accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, your first post mentioned a proposal so I assumed she accepted.

I apologize for the incorrect use of language. My son went on a date with his GF in 2022. They had some misunderstandings and stopped talking. In December 2022, my son asked her again for another date and they decided to continue dating after te second date. So, they are steady BF/GF now - that's all.

[Anonymous]

He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

[Anonymous]

Schizoaffective disorder hits men right around this age. I’m not diagnosing; I’m just saying it may also be a physical issue. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she got him into drugs. I am sorry.

I doubt that. She is a brilliant student and a major scholarship holder.

That's a positive.

That, among other things, is a troll flag. Ivies only do need based scholarships. So if she has a scholarship at the Ivy they both attend it just means she comes from a family who needs financial aid. She may very well be brilliant, but having a need based scholarship isn't the proof of that.

The other troll flag is all the calls about cooking. Most of the Ivies are residential for all or most of the time at the school. Even Columbia is 90% on campus housing. Most dorms don't have cooking facilities that support producing "restaurant quality meals". Maybe by senior year, but that's apparently when the calls stopped.

Troll better OP.

Wow, how do people become so sanctimonious in an anonymous forum?

My son's girlfriend comes from a low-income family. She is studying on a need-based scholarship, and her GPA remains consistently at 4.0 even by her senior year, which I consider academically brilliant.

My son has been cooking as a hobby since he was 16. He prepared gourmet cuisine at home during high school and his freshman year (due to COVID closure), and continued to do so in the dorm/apartment since sophomore year, where there was always access to a kitchen. He primarily utilized the kitchen in his Club House for his sophomore year. What calls do you think stopped in his senior year?

[Anonymous]

It's acceptable to not assist, but it's unacceptable to label someone as a troll simply because their views do not align with your own worldview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

My son was always ready to assist my husband with various household tasks, be it changing tires, repairing the french door, or fixing appliances when they malfunctioned. He has fixed our dishwasher, microwave, and dryer. He loved to surf YouTube and find solutions for everything. Nothing dysfunctional; all in all, he was a dream kid. That is why his disengagement worries me to no end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you every day? That is mother-son enmeshment. It makes him vunerable to repeating the same enmeshment with his romantic relationships. How is your relationship with your DH? Your son shouldn't have had to be a "fixer" if it wasn't a dysfunctional household.

My son was always ready to assist my husband with various household tasks, be it changing tires, repairing the french door, or fixing appliances when they malfunctioned. He has fixed our dishwasher, microwave, and dryer. He loved to surf YouTube and find solutions for everything. Nothing dysfunctional; all in all, he was a dream kid. That is why his disengagement worries me to no end.

It is unusual to text or call a parent every day.