Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Moron, most people don't live in some perfect world where mom and dad are both available to read, cuddle, simultaneously kiss, and snuggle one child in an elaborate bedtime routine every night. Come out of the clouds and focus on the bigger picture here.

I'll say this flat out: if you don't have the "availability" to kiss your child before you leave town for a week, you are a shitty parent with f*cked up priorities. No one is talking about an elaborate bedtime routine here, so don't you move the goalposts. OP's husband didn't bother to say goodbye and kiss his child before he left town. Doesn't he even want to? He seems like he has psychological problems.

I feel the same way about someone too lazy to help with the nap or lunch. Sorry kiddo it's all about meeeee right now. That person isn't right in the head. They both suck. Is that clear enough? That person doesn't get to be mad at their spouse for modeling their behavior.

So you feel that OPs DH is a jerk for not helping with nap and lunch? Or is this reserved for OP?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING. It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other?

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him. That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms

I honestly do not see any hope for your marriage. Yet, I think you will be equally if not more unhappy after the split. $ is a huge issue for you, you mention it constantly yet seem to be doing ok financially. You don't seem willing to spend to make life easier and less stressful. 2 households is not cheaper and you may have to pay him child support.

On the contrary, I thing she would personally be much happier divorced, but financially, she will be more unhappy. Worth it for me. It is not for everyone.

I could not get a break until I divorced. Ex did zero until then and I worked. I literally could not get an hour off until my oldest was 7 and I started the divorce process. He admitted he would have continued to do zero childcare duties if we had stayed married (and he was the one who pushed kids…not me). I literally had not been to the gym in 7 years. When there is no respect and all that is left is resentment and contempt, it is over. We had two sexless marriage stretches (no sex at all for 2 years and later 5 years). I stayed way too long. I was dying in that marriage. Would have been wealthier if I stayed…it was not worth the money.

This is on you. F that. You get dressed for the gym and leave the house. There had to be at least one hour during your 7 years that he was home and you could have walked out the door.

Where is the agency? In 2023 a grown man can’t keep a grown woman from going to the gym. That’s crazy talk. I can’t imagine getting divorced instead of just forcing him to change. Almost all men take advantage of free labor from woman unless forced to not do so.

He would not watch the kids. I also could not spend my own money or go to the grocery store. He went and would not let me and yelled at me if I bought something. You can’t change an emotional abuser: I wasted 10 years. You can’t force people to change.

That’s illegal. Leave the house and then call the cops on him.

I was not leaving my kids with someone who would not watch them. I was also not involving law enforcement. That is crazy. I waited until they were in elementary school and then divorced. He does 50% now. The only way he was going to so anything is if I was not there to do it for him. He admitted this himself. I had to wait until the kids were old enough to do it. Before 1st grade, no way I could leave kids with him. Some is this is generational. Gen X is different and more typical gender roles at home even if the mother is working.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Moron, most people don't live in some perfect world where mom and dad are both available to read, cuddle, simultaneously kiss, and snuggle one child in an elaborate bedtime routine every night. Come out of the clouds and focus on the bigger picture here.

I'll say this flat out: if you don't have the "availability" to kiss your child before you leave town for a week, you are a shitty parent with f*cked up priorities. No one is talking about an elaborate bedtime routine here, so don't you move the goalposts. OP's husband didn't bother to say goodbye and kiss his child before he left town. Doesn't he even want to? He seems like he has psychological problems.

I feel the same way about someone too lazy to help with the nap or lunch. Sorry kiddo it's all about meeeee right now. That person isn't right in the head. They both suck. Is that clear enough? That person doesn't get to be mad at their spouse for modeling their behavior.

So you feel that OPs DH is a jerk for not helping with nap and lunch? Or is this reserved for OP?

Yes, fine for DH to ditch?

[Anonymous]

DH is selfish. Bottom line. It is where everything starts.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I’m not rigid and, frankly, I do do more child rearing related labor (meals, cleanup, bathtimes, bedtimes etc). It’s tough because a lot of partners won’t carry their weight unless the other person is rigid and strict. It’s a lose lose where you pick up extra slack to maintain peace and present as a good wife and mom but at the expense of your own time or you set rigid expectations and get your free time but with the perception that you are controlling and uncooperative.

I agree with your point that these challenges are mainly dealt with by women and that there are lower expectations for dads. I hope things continue changing for the better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I guess if I knew such a dinosaur like that I would say something but all the dads I know are out coaching sports on Saturday mornings or taking kids to games and tournaments. Or otherwise engaged in child rearing. I don’t know people like Op and her husband who are so resentful and uninterested in their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

They're not really saying that about THIS father, who actually DID try to pawn off his child onto the other parent. Very, very few posters are even willing to say "The DH made the first wrong move here."

I think OP is being rigid because the dynamic between her and her husband has resulted in her doing all the work unless she is rigid, as she has described. I don't think she's distorting all that much about the dynamic. We can all have whatever opinion about her role in the dynamic, but I don't think it's a given that she is rigid "all the time" or "in unhealthy ways" because of this situation, which seems unhealthy on its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I guess if I knew such a dinosaur like that I would say something but all the dads I know are out coaching sports on Saturday mornings or taking kids to games and tournaments. Or otherwise engaged in child rearing. I don’t know people like Op and her husband who are so resentful and uninterested in their kid.

What do you have to say about a father who can't be bothered to make his own daughter lunch and put her down for a nap? The only person who has actually verbally tried to get out of spending time with this child is her father. Her mother was very clear about being excited to see her after lunch and the fun things they would do, which they then did. Her father was the one who tried to get out of lunch duty and then made a stink about it with OP.

[Anonymous]

Check out clarabelletoks on insta or tiktok she has some really funny videos that hit the themes in this thread

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP is very combative and invested in the martyr role. I suspect that is why she does not mention socializing with other couples and families, it turns people off. Dumping DH will likely make her need to shift that martyr focus elsewhere and she will likely then be a martyr to her child. Any household configuration and that poor kid is likely to get the short straw. In a way, the more energy OP invests in being a martyr, the more her DH may be locked into the pattern too. There is a lot of disconnecting from the kid for a "win" by both, it is very, very toxic. Such unhealthy people are not going to be Mr. Rogers with a change in household ime.

Not everyone socializes with other couples and families. Never have. Moved too much and don’t have time. Work and kids extracurriculars take all the time. Kids have playdates with friends. Stop acting like families socializing with couples and families is a must. Not everyone does that.

It's a must to have other models if toxicity is all you know, which seems to be the case with OP and her DH.

You mention kids having playdates, OP mentions no such thing. They have no emotional intimacy in the family and none outside it. Hopefully your family had a warmer vibe.

3 year olds do not need playdates. Kids do not need organized socialization until kindergarten. My kids did not have playdates at age 3. Preschool was enough. Extended family events enough. The kid is 3. No kid that age needs to socialize with families. Most people I know don’t do this. Get off the OP on this. You are making it a big issue. After 6, worry about kids play dates: does not matter now.

She describes passing the kid off or one on one or parent alone, not friends, neighbors or extended family except cold grandma. If you had warmth and interaction within the nuclear and extended family, not what OP's kid is getting. For many, friends can fill that role and provide modeling re: happier families, happier marriage, etc. The degree of disengagement from others by both parents is not healthy.

+1 and OP hasn't talked at all about what they do as a family or with others. Just this very rigid schedule that is of utmost importance. That's why ppl are asking - and it doesn't have to be all of the things ppl have mentioned. But esp if you don't like your spouse, both OP and DD may get more out of engaging with others.

You are taking what OP has said and filling in the blanks on your own, PP. People are asking about family time and social stuff. OP hasn't really spoken to that, but you're perfectly happy +1ing a post that states that OP's child is not getting warmth and interaction from extended or nuclear family, despite this child spending time with nuclear and extended family in the situation described by the OP. You don't know anything about what happened at Grandma's to comment on whether it was warm or not. That same post describes "a degree of disengagement" from OP's refusal to make lunch on a Saturday one time. That is pretty hyperbolic and I think if you are going to sit here and say "OP hasn't talked at all about blah blah blah" you should probably extend that to other things you're agreeing with that OP hasn't spoken to.

OP described her MIL as cold and not engaged as a mom or grandmother. No other family was mentioned, local or otherwise. Having supportive family or friends around can support young families and buffer some of the toxicity of this dynamic. OP does not mention meeting up with friends on her ME time, I think she is in her head and occupied with busyness and DH is on screens by her description. Interacting with others would be healthy and give ideas about how other families handle errands, time together, etc. It would help meet some of the emotional needs of the 3 of them. Right now, nothing is interrupting or countering the toxicity. Isolation is not healthy esp coming from a cold mom and a martyr mom, how else will they have other ideas of how to live as a family if they are not interacting with others?

#1 - if no family was mentioned and no mention of socializing with other families was mentioned, stop referring to those things. You are not wrong about the benefits of positive socialization with family and friends, but you do not actually know enough about this situation to make the assumptions you are making. A child spending time with her grandmother, father, mother, and a museum in one day does not sound like an isolated child with a cold martyr mom to me, but I guess we are making really different assumptions about this situation so I will just say that I don't know enough to say those things either.

#2 - re the last bold - please write another paragraph describing the ways in which this FATHER is toxic. Why is it solely the OP's responsibility to be the bigger person or shift this dynamic? Almost none of your posts allow for his behavior being a contributing factor at the very least if not the actual problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I guess if I knew such a dinosaur like that I would say something but all the dads I know are out coaching sports on Saturday mornings or taking kids to games and tournaments. Or otherwise engaged in child rearing. I don’t know people like Op and her husband who are so resentful and uninterested in their kid.

What do you have to say about a father who can't be bothered to make his own daughter lunch and put her down for a nap? The only person who has actually verbally tried to get out of spending time with this child is her father. Her mother was very clear about being excited to see her after lunch and the fun things they would do, which they then did. Her father was the one who tried to get out of lunch duty and then made a stink about it with OP.

The same thing i say about the mom. Someone please take care of the kid. The parents suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I guess if I knew such a dinosaur like that I would say something but all the dads I know are out coaching sports on Saturday mornings or taking kids to games and tournaments. Or otherwise engaged in child rearing. I don’t know people like Op and her husband who are so resentful and uninterested in their kid.

What do you have to say about a father who can't be bothered to make his own daughter lunch and put her down for a nap? The only person who has actually verbally tried to get out of spending time with this child is her father. Her mother was very clear about being excited to see her after lunch and the fun things they would do, which they then did. Her father was the one who tried to get out of lunch duty and then made a stink about it with OP.

+1. DH and I do the split saturdays thing and it works out really well because we respect each others time. It really doesn’t have to be a traumatic event for a child for a parent to not be able to meet their every need at every moment when another capable parent is present. In our household this looks like “dads going out to golf, I’ll make you lunch and he can do a puzzle with you once he’s back” or “moms headed out for a run, I’m going to put you down for a nap”. I promise you, it’s not a negative dynamic when executed by two parents who are both committed to supporting each other as well as their children. OPs DH is pushing back because parenting is tiring but this really shouldn’t mean he gets to evade responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.

I have no idea what you mean by the kiss stuff being “ick.” Are you reading something sexual into this? If so, you’re the pervert, not me. What a disgusting person you are.

Go on then weirdo, tell us why mom's kiss is better than dad's kiss?

If you actually read for comprehension, you would see that I said mom’s kiss and dad’s kiss aren’t the same. Like, you can’t just substitute one or the other—you need both. Whereas who TF cares who makes the tuna fish sandwich. It’s just a sandwich, it’s not a personal expression of love.

Disagree. At that age, time and proximity is what they want - those are acts of love. Choosing not to see your kid until 3pm+ each Saturday is not an act of love.

+100. That poor child.

Fast forward 30 years and OP will be wondering why her dear daughter never calls or visits

I do think OP is being too rigid but no one, NO ONE, would ever say this about a father who golfs every Saturday til 3.

I guess if I knew such a dinosaur like that I would say something but all the dads I know are out coaching sports on Saturday mornings or taking kids to games and tournaments. Or otherwise engaged in child rearing. I don’t know people like Op and her husband who are so resentful and uninterested in their kid.

What do you have to say about a father who can't be bothered to make his own daughter lunch and put her down for a nap? The only person who has actually verbally tried to get out of spending time with this child is her father. Her mother was very clear about being excited to see her after lunch and the fun things they would do, which they then did. Her father was the one who tried to get out of lunch duty and then made a stink about it with OP.

The same thing i say about the mom. Someone please take care of the kid. The parents suck.

Did you though? Did you say it in any post these last 34 pages other than just now, when called out? The assumption that OP is more responsible in this situation for negative feelings is misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the biggest drama llama.

I feel for her child.

DH is most likely to remarry, hopefully it will be to someone warm.

OP will be bitter for the rest of her life, it's her nature and she combatively defends it. No quality guy will want to be with someone like her, she will just get worse with age and with no introspection.

You're nuts. She's in a bad situation that would make almost anyone bitter because she lives with someone who is supposed to be her partner but treats her and her time with contempt. If the situation improves, like if the husband gets better or she leaves, she'll be a happier person.

Take your focus off OP's framing and look at the 3 yr old who tried to connect with mommy, rebuffed to score points, and whose father left without a goodbye, again to score points in the toxicity with OP.

OP's sense of self is rooted in being a martyr, that is why she makes extra errands and does not do amazon, etc (free delivery!) Once DH is gone as a primary focus, she will be the martyr re: her daughter and to some extent, probably, always ex-DH.

OP and her DH both suck. They use the kid as a pawn even now. No emotional ties to spouse, kid, others are mentioned, just a grinding focus on amplified work on the one hand and you can't make me on the other.

What feelings of warmth and joy are being created for the kid? What friends and social life surround the family? Just toxicity, isolation, screens and "enrichment" seems like. One narc parent is tough, 2 and it really is not a happy home life for the kid.

No solutions can be entertained, like Amazon, bc martyr is OP's power.

I'm not going to bother to scroll through over 30 pages of responses, but I'm pretty sure the errands OP mentioned were Trader Joe's (which, as far as I know, does not participate in Instacart or Ship't or something similar and does have specific items that you can't find at other grocery stores) and Amazon RETURNS, which are not the same thing as ordering from Amazon and you will be charged for the UPS pick up option.

I am a huge delivery person - I order pretty much everything for my entire life online, but I also know that some things need to be bought in person, and it sounds like that's what OP was doing, not "making extra errands."

Also, I'm not one of the people who have posted who is hardcore team OP, but some of you just make stuff up to prove your points and it's annoying.

Does UPS or Trader Joe's ban children from their premises? That could be done in the afternoon with the kid and thus not encroaching on hair washing time.

STOP MOVING THE GOALPOSTS

The post I responded to was about how OP is "making up extra chores". I explained that that isn't what she was doing.

Now you want to harp on the fact that those stores allow kids? That wasn't the point to which I responded.

Also, as far as not taking her kid on errands, OP said she chose to do enriching things like going to a museum.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT OP FOR NOT DRAGGING HER KID ON ERRANDS BUT INSTEAD USING HER TIME TO DO THOSE THINGS.