My mom has lost interest in me - has become self centered - I'm grieving
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Anonymous
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Mom and I have always been close. Chatted weekly on the phone (she lives 1000 miles away). Shared humor, interests, etc. a very natural relationship. She was always generous and giving with her family and friends. Our relationship is no longer what it used to be and I don't know what happened.
For the past few years I've noticed that she doesn't inquire much about kids, doesn't care to listen to my anecdotal stories, ignores topics I bring up, etc. on the other hand, she loves to share with me. Details about her house and renovating, dreams she's had, books she's read, details about the lives of acquaintances she knows. She knows more about the lives of her waitresses' children than her own grandchildren. She's also become selfish with material items. Buying and doing more for herself and wanting others to buy things for her. She used to be a true giver but she has lost the joy in giving to us. She never asks what the kids are into or what they want for birthdays. She was never this way before. She still sends gifts and monetarily they are generous, but they lack the thought she once put into them. She doesn't have interest in me talking about the kids so she doesn't know their interests are or what toys and books they already have. Before you tear me apart, we give more than we can afford to her. I have given her art off of my walls, anything she admires I offer or give to her, thoughtful / sentimental gifts, art from the kids, etc. my husband and I rarely exchange gifts due to a tight budget. If I receive a giftcard, I spend them in others not myself. I mention this because I get the impression she judges me anytime I buy anything - back to school clothes for the kids, books for the kids, etc. and I know it's all just petty stuff but the fact that she's lost the joy she once had in giving is sad. My mom is well off. She lives well. We are on a tight budget. I choose to be SAH with my special needs son and daughter after having a career for 12 years . I volunteer and our family stays involved in the community. Mom was a SAHM and now travels everywhere but here. She hasn't visited us in 10 years. We visit them 1-2 times per year. She asks occasionally if I plan on going back to work. Maybe because she knows we are tight on money. For now, this is working for us. My time helping my children is more precious than money. She loves to talk about expensive homes, cars, renovations, trips, etc that her other family members have a hard time relating to since no one else in her family lives her lifestyle. She attempts to self deprecate about her looks, weight, money, etc - but she spends a lot of time in spas, is thin, and is financially set for life. Me on the other hand 
Conversations no longer flow naturally with us as they once did. She doesn't seem to genuinely care or show interest in my life or my kids lives. Our relationship is now superficial. We used to be extremely close. I dont see any signs of dementia. She's healthy and active. Her other friendships are fairly superficial, but she at least listens to them. If I bring up a topic - a Current event, an experience, , pop culture, make up recommendation, etc she doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't ask questions or want to hear about it further. I'm venting and my thoughts aren't particularly organized here. I'm just sad and mourn the loss of our relationship. I don't know anyone else going through this. My lifelong friends are shocked by the turn in my relationship with my mother as it was always so good. And no, I am not perfect. Not the perfect daughter, at all, but my heart has always put my mother and my family first. Comments welcome. |
Anonymous
| This has to be troll. |
Anonymous
Why would you say that? |
Anonymous
| Wow Op, wow. |
Anonymous
If so, this is a troll that has put a great deal of effort into her post! OP, you are entitled to your feelings, but your mother is entitled to be who she is. It sounds like there are a lot of different discrete issues here, including your anxiety over money. Do you feel maybe she should be offering to help you financially? |
Anonymous
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Think of it this way - she spent the bulk of her life focused on you and your siblings. Now she's focusing inward. You'll need to accept that and recognize that you aren't going to have the relationship you used to have.
Also, don't give more than you can. It is really just breeding resentment in you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, Don't you realize that your mother is simply growing old and that her interests are dwindling, and naturally centering on herself? It's really obvious. Most, but not all, elderly people become that way. We have observed the same symptoms with both of our very affectionate mothers, DH and I. One additional similarity is that our families are overseas, and that distance (not being able to drop by every day) greatly decreases the emotional and psychological bond. She can't see your kids in the flesh and hug then - obviously at some point she won't be able to maintain interest in their every life happening, or in yours. This may translate to dementia (there are several forms of it) down the road, so watch out. You should start thinking about what to do for her when she becomes less functional, bringing her closer to you, close to another family member, assisted living, etc. |
Anonymous
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One other thought, OP. I totally get you miss more of a connection with your mom, but I'm wondering if you are unintentionally isolating yourself from other people--being a SAHM, especially if you have a kid with special needs. It might be that you have been really relying on your mom for a lot of emotional support and, for lots of different reasons: distance, her different stage of life, etc., it my not be realistic for you to expect that kind of emotional support from her.
Do you have good girlfriends who are local? |
Anonymous
| So your mom wants to have her own life? Good for her! |
Anonymous
| I think it's a pitch for a novel. |
Anonymous
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Why do you feel the need to give so much? You try too hard, it's okay for you and your husband to enjoy yourselves too. There's a touch of the martyr in your post.
If you think your mother judges you when you spend money on yourself or your kids, don't tell her. She lives miles away, you can be selective in what you share too -- just like her. |
Anonymous
| I think your mom disapproves of your lifestyle slightly and it's become boring to her. You say she's wealthy- did she have a high powered career? I think many boomer disapprove of the younger generations choices when they don't mirror their own. So many boomer women struggled to gain equality in the workforce and then they're pissed that Gen X and Millennials aren't taking advantage of it now. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| She has mild cognitive dysfunction and is hiding it. She can't remember what you've told her and doesn't want to repeat herself. It's not you. Poor thing. |
Anonymous
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Thank you for your responses.
I realized as I was writing that it sounded like I had a martyr complex. I only shared those details because I get the impression my mother disapproves of our spending and thinks I'm greedy and selfish. No, I don't expect any handouts from her. We take pride in our independence. I do think she is insensitive to our financial situation. My mother doesn't visit us. She never expresses a desire to. It's more than that she's become independent, she is becoming selfish and self centered and distant. She is not a liberated woman, more of a 50s housewife mentality. |