My mom has lost interest in me - has become self centered - I'm grieving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel the need to give so much? You try too hard, it's okay for you and your husband to enjoy yourselves too. There's a touch of the martyr in your post.

If you think your mother judges you when you spend money on yourself or your kids, don't tell her. She lives miles away, you can be selective in what you share too -- just like her.

There's a huge amount of resentment that OP's mother isn't willing to be as much of a martyr as she is.

OP should start focusing on the good stuff about her mother and not on what her mother doesn't do for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a pitch for a novel.

Most boring novel ever

[Anonymous]

Do you have siblings who live near your mother? Sometimes a geographically closer sibling will interfere with the parent's relationship with another sibling. I saw this happen with cousins of mine.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? When women go through menopause, they lose chemicals that make them more altruistic, and they become more like men (I notice you did not mention your father at all in your post, probably because he was always like your mom is now). If she is young enough that she is going through menopause, this may be the explanation.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. Before you attack me for just hating on my MIL, my DH is the one who pointed it out. I've noticed it for years but haven't said anything.

She only talks about herself. Entire car rides will be- what she ate, what she watched, what she read, what the cat did, etc. She never asks about anyone else's job, marriage, kid, vacation, etc. I've actually seen her interrupt DH multiple times when he was telling her something really interesting about his job. She interrupted to talk about something mundane like what she had for lunch.

I once heard a phrase: "Once an adult, twice a child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? When women go through menopause, they lose chemicals that make them more altruistic, and they become more like men (I notice you did not mention your father at all in your post, probably because he was always like your mom is now). If she is young enough that she is going through menopause, this may be the explanation.

Yup! This happened to my mom exactly. It does make me sad, but I am trying to move forward figuring out how to support her in her endeavors now. Unfortunately a big one is an MLM scheme, but that's a post for another thread! Also, I believe my MIL went through this when my husband was in high school. He describes a distinct change in her personality and their relationship (of course he doesn't know when she went through menopause). Anyway, OP gets my sympathy, but also needs to be a little more self-aware. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this too except for the money part (She and FIL never spend money on anything). She's nice and well meaning but never ever asks me about anything about me or my life. She talks to my husband about his stuff and then brings up neighbors, books, stuff they did and random news items that no one cares about. I attribute it to her not having anyone else to talk about (besides FIL) and being a socially awkward person. I stopped takin it seriously long ago.
My mom is the complete opposite and grills me about everything, why we are having the tree guy over, why haven't I called the contractor, why don't I get more su, why to I work too much, why do I take sick leave, why am I taking vacation leave for a vacation that she doesn't think is worth it. And there are questions about everything which are hard to deflect and are met with annoyance if I don't want to share. But I love my mom too and that's the way se expresses her love. Everyone is different and your mom OP could have changed as many older people do and because you're further away she may feel less involved and less interested than in her exciting there and now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel the need to give so much? You try too hard, it's okay for you and your husband to enjoy yourselves too. There's a touch of the martyr in your post.

If you think your mother judges you when you spend money on yourself or your kids, don't tell her. She lives miles away, you can be selective in what you share too -- just like her.

Yes, why are you giving her art off your walls?

[Anonymous]

Your mom is far away, OP, and without spending significant time in her company you might not notice the small changes that reflect the very beginning stages of dementia. I only suggest this because it's sounds like her personality has drastically changed.

Or did it start when you had children? I found my relationship with my mom changed when I had my own family and was no longer her "baby".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has mild cognitive dysfunction and is hiding it. She can't remember what you've told her and doesn't want to repeat herself. It's not you. Poor thing.

I was wondering about this too, OP. If this is a marked departure from how your mother used to be, and assuming there's been no major rift in your relationship that accounts for the change in tone, then I'd wonder if she's experiencing either cognitive or personality changes due to aging. How old is your mother, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Don't you realize that your mother is simply growing old and that her interests are dwindling, and naturally centering on herself? It's really obvious. Most, but not all, elderly people become that way.

We have observed the same symptoms with both of our very affectionate mothers, DH and I. One additional similarity is that our families are overseas, and that distance (not being able to drop by every day) greatly decreases the emotional and psychological bond. She can't see your kids in the flesh and hug then - obviously at some point she won't be able to maintain interest in their every life happening, or in yours.

This may translate to dementia (there are several forms of it) down the road, so watch out. You should start thinking about what to do for her when she becomes less functional, bringing her closer to you, close to another family member, assisted living, etc.

1+. Perhaps instead of seeing your Mom's attitude as a personal rejection, see it as a natural (albeit not entirely positive) development with age. Another way of seeing things: perhaps you are person (or will become the person) who keeps her connected to her family and the broader world. Why not embrace the role?

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this daily- it isn't easy- but you have to learn to love and appreciate the relationships you do have and let go of the ones you do not. I wish I was closer to my brother, but I can't ruin the relationship we do have by dwelling on the one I want.

You just have to treat her the way that makes you most happy. If its being generous, and you would feel terrible otherwise, then continue to do so. But you have to accept the response you get back and be ok with it.

Again- so much easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

I have to wonder if it's not just as simple as you've become two very different people and you are both struggling to find common ground? People change and maybe you and your mother have become two very different people with different priorities and goals?

I wonder what you mom would write if she posted?

[Anonymous]

Since you have always been close to your mother, why not share with her your feelings in the most diplomatic way you can. Tell her you miss the way your relationship used to be and see if she has feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? When women go through menopause, they lose chemicals that make them more altruistic, and they become more like men (I notice you did not mention your father at all in your post, probably because he was always like your mom is now). If she is young enough that she is going through menopause, this may be the explanation.

This is pseudoscience BS.