My mom has lost interest in me - has become self centered - I'm grieving

[Anonymous]

You seem really needy. I would be glad my mom is living her best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is old!

I don’t know why people were being so hard o. OP. I would be upset if one of my parents changed like this. But in OP’s case, that is a big change. People don’t normally just turn into narcissists when they get older. Something else is probably going on.

My mom has ALWAYS been this way, and I’ve gradually distanced myself from her. I feel so much better now that I have people around me now that aren’t always making it all about themselves, all the time.

This. My mom has always been a narcissist and it's gotten worse with age. What happened was my tolerance for it decreased.

[Anonymous]

I like the person who said as you age you change to be a teenager again and then a child and then a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it this way - she spent the bulk of her life focused on you and your siblings. Now she's focusing inward. You'll need to accept that and recognize that you aren't going to have the relationship you used to have.

Also, don't give more than you can. It is really just breeding resentment in you.

Good luck.

+1

She is a person in her own right. She is not focused on you, OP, and that is as it should be.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the Giving Tree is now just a damn stump and you need to leave her alone to rest, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the Giving Tree is now just a damn stump and you need to leave her alone to rest, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this in my mom and mil. It happens with age - people become more like teens, kids, toddlers. And teens/kids/toddlers are selfish. It’s not you. It’s the aging brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the Giving Tree is now just a damn stump and you need to leave her alone to rest, OP.

+1

+2. She is tired of pretending that everything about you is AMAZING. She’s kept up this game for years and now wants to dedicate her remaining years to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom and I have always been close. Chatted weekly on the phone (she lives 1000 miles away). Shared humor, interests, etc. a very natural relationship. She was always generous and giving with her family and friends. Our relationship is no longer what it used to be and I don't know what happened.

For the past few years I've noticed that she doesn't inquire much about kids, doesn't care to listen to my anecdotal stories, ignores topics I bring up, etc. on the other hand, she loves to share with me. Details about her house and renovating, dreams she's had, books she's read, details about the lives of acquaintances she knows. She knows more about the lives of her waitresses' children than her own grandchildren.

She's also become selfish with material items. Buying and doing more for herself and wanting others to buy things for her. She used to be a true giver but she has lost the joy in giving to us. She never asks what the kids are into or what they want for birthdays. She was never this way before. She still sends gifts and monetarily they are generous, but they lack the thought she once put into them. She doesn't have interest in me talking about the kids so she doesn't know their interests are or what toys and books they already have.

Before you tear me apart, we give more than we can afford to her. I have given her art off of my walls, anything she admires I offer or give to her, thoughtful / sentimental gifts, art from the kids, etc. my husband and I rarely exchange gifts due to a tight budget. If I receive a giftcard, I spend them in others not myself. I mention this because I get the impression she judges me anytime I buy anything - back to school clothes for the kids, books for the kids, etc. and I know it's all just petty stuff but the fact that she's lost the joy she once had in giving is sad.

My mom is well off. She lives well. We are on a tight budget. I choose to be SAH with my special needs son and daughter after having a career for 12 years . I volunteer and our family stays involved in the community. Mom was a SAHM and now travels everywhere but here. She hasn't visited us in 10 years. We visit them 1-2 times per year. She asks occasionally if I plan on going back to work. Maybe because she knows we are tight on money. For now, this is working for us. My time helping my children is more precious than money.

She loves to talk about expensive homes, cars, renovations, trips, etc that her other family members have a hard time relating to since no one else in her family lives her lifestyle. She attempts to self deprecate about her looks, weight, money, etc - but she spends a lot of time in spas, is thin, and is financially set for life. Me on the other hand

Conversations no longer flow naturally with us as they once did. She doesn't seem to genuinely care or show interest in my life or my kids lives. Our relationship is now superficial. We used to be extremely close.

I dont see any signs of dementia. She's healthy and active. Her other friendships are fairly superficial, but she at least listens to them. If I bring up a topic - a Current event, an experience, , pop culture, make up recommendation, etc she doesn't extend the conversation. She doesn't ask questions or want to hear about it further.

I'm venting and my thoughts aren't particularly organized here. I'm just sad and mourn the loss of our relationship. I don't know anyone else going through this. My lifelong friends are shocked by the turn in my relationship with my mother as it was always so good.

And no, I am not perfect. Not the perfect daughter, at all, but my heart has always put my mother and my family first.

Comments welcome.

You sound like the self-centered one here, OP. It's not all about you.

[Anonymous]

I’ve known elderly people who only talk about themselves. They used to have conversations that involved a back and forth dialogue, but as they age, only discuss themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known elderly people who only talk about themselves. They used to have conversations that involved a back and forth dialogue, but as they age, only discuss themselves.

Yes...not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is declining back to the self-centered teenage years. Soon she will re-enter a childlike phase, and then a late in life toddlerhood. where she will need significant care and supervision.

It's the circle of life.

It certainly can be, though in my large extended family there have also been exceptions. A few of both my maternal and paternal aunts were very with it well into their 80's and early 90's. Independent, engaged, and not egocentric. They were wise and kind and aware of themselves and not wanting to excessively complain. But I do have to admit, they were women who were smart and had been self aware and emotionally strong for much of their lives. So, on reflection, the were the exceptions, not the norm it's true. Which is why they were inspiring.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 77 and is like this now and was always like this.
Why is it a thought that it’s a sign of aging when she’s always been this way?

[Anonymous]

I also wonder why people say selfishness is a sign of aging. My grandma was always kind and wise and stayed until the end (the end was 95+), so was my dad (esp emotionally strong part, obviously physically one can get weak). My mom on the other hand... nope, selfish and always has been. Not sure she's more selfish. However I tolerate it much less as I have by now figured out the manipulations. I wonder if people simply didn't realize their moms were selfish before or couldn't admit to themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also wonder why people say selfishness is a sign of aging. My grandma was always kind and wise and stayed until the end (the end was 95+), so was my dad (esp emotionally strong part, obviously physically one can get weak). My mom on the other hand... nope, selfish and always has been. Not sure she's more selfish. However I tolerate it much less as I have by now figured out the manipulations. I wonder if people simply didn't realize their moms were selfish before or couldn't admit to themselves?

I think they are confusing selfish with a person deciding to put themselves first now that they have grown children. Women are taught to think of others first and at some point -some earlier some later- they realize no one is putting them first and now is the time.