Reply to Am I wrong?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Am I wrong?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I am the child of immigrants.  I have been on my own since 15.  I put myself through college and law school, graduated 150k+ in debt, and paid it off by myself before marrying DH.

DH's parents are American.  His mother left a very high-paying job because she simply did not want to work and did not return to work until her youngest of 4 kids was 25.  She currently works 15 hours a week as a grocery clerk.  His father is a construction worker, who struggled to carry the family financially alone, but felt a nonworking wife was a status symbol.  They made some major financial mistakes along the way: invested in a joint venture with a bad business partner, got into more house than they could afford and got foreclosed on, refused to save for retirement because they wanted to live in the moment etc.  DH paid for most of his college with loans that I then helped him pay off when we married.

During my marriage to DH, they have continued to make ill advised decisions.  They bought another property that they cannot afford and are likely going to get foreclosed on again.  They decided to support their adult daughter and son in low paying jobs in the name of letting them follow their dreams.  They also continued to spend beyond their means.  Throughout, I was warning DH that they are making disastrous choices and urged him to get involved.  Looking at their three hapless kids and their lack of savings, I had a fear that they would one day look to DH for money.  Considering that I earn 75% of our HHI, that would mean looking to me.  DH asked them to rein in their spending. They basically told him to screw off.

Well, things have come crashing down.  His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably.  They are screwed because they have a life and expenses such that they were barely getting by on FIL's full time job with overtime.  DH has yet to ask me for us to help them, but I feel it coming.

What is my responsibility here?  I feel aggrieved because I have had no help and am as self made as a person can get.  My abusive parents gave me nothing and I have been estranged from them for years.  DH came into the marriage knowing nothing about finances.  Our savings were built primarily on my earnings and budgeting.  It kills me that people who have been so wasteful and selfish will now seek to benefit from the years I went without and busted my ass working 80 hour weeks.  His mom has made comments suggesting I am a bad mom for working and his father had a lot to say about me being an immigrant when DH and I married.

If we help them, that will mean a longterm effort because DH's siblings are themselves financially unstable and DH's parents have no one else.  This will take a toll on DH and I's ability to save for our own retirement and our two children's college tuition.  We will also have to stop saving for a downpayment on our first home.  We just finished paying DH's student loans.  At the same time, these are DH's parents and I have a feeling he doesn't care that they dug this hole.  He just wants to help.

Would I be an ogre to take a hard line stance that I will only give what little is left over after we have maxed our retirement savings, funded our children's college savings, and continued our current allocation toward our downpayment?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics