I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

If you do all the household labor and you’re the breadwinner, then you’re a sucker who should have gotten a long time ago.

OPs wife takes care of the children AND works part time. She contributes to her family.

You married a loser. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Of course she contributes, just not as much as she ought to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

If you do all the household labor and you’re the breadwinner, then you’re a sucker who should have gotten a long time ago.

OPs wife takes care of the children AND works part time. She contributes to her family.

You married a loser. Sorry.

Nice try but I choose to work. My husband travels out of state for his job so he just isn't around to help out on a daily basis.

Unlike loser OP's useless wife, we have budgeted so that we can easily live on one salary - if one of us loses a job, nothing will change in our lifestyle except adding less money to savings. So much for OP's wife contributing... neither of them knows how to budget and she's certainly not stepping up and doing a great job running their household.

I couldn't wait to go back to work after maternity leave. I don't know how SAHMs deal with that tedium.

[Anonymous]

I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary. '
budget better.

Your situation is not likely OPs. You likely have younger kids and have a long time to save up for college. You already paid off mortgage--great, what/when did you buy?. OP may not have made GS 15 until he was 45. OP may have had student loans, or his wife's student loans.

Between DH and myself, we make a strong HHI now, in comparison (275k). But we are in our late 40s/late 50s. I was in grad school till 30 and did not crack 100k until I ws 44. DH was in a low paying field until he was 45, and met me . He has a special needs child from prior marriage whose medical expenses have cost between 20-40k a year for the past couple of years with no end in sight plus younger kids who are hitting college. No inherited wealth, in fact we are now spending 10-20k a year to support them/fly in and out/take to doctors, pay for health aid, etc. Between child #1 and parents, we are looking at 50k outright from our combined incomes. After taxes for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

If you do all the household labor and you’re the breadwinner, then you’re a sucker who should have gotten a long time ago.

OPs wife takes care of the children AND works part time. She contributes to her family.

You married a loser. Sorry.

Nice try but I choose to work. My husband travels out of state for his job so he just isn't around to help out on a daily basis.

Unlike loser OP's useless wife, we have budgeted so that we can easily live on one salary - if one of us loses a job, nothing will change in our lifestyle except adding less money to savings. So much for OP's wife contributing... neither of them knows how to budget and she's certainly not stepping up and doing a great job running their household.

I couldn't wait to go back to work after maternity leave. I don't know how SAHMs deal with that tedium.

The main difference between you and OP is that you get no help from your DH AND you make excuses for him.

He can’t help around the house because he travels fir work....You’re the breadwinner because your DH’s job doesn’t pay much.

I’m glad you’re happy being the primary caretaker AND the breadwinner. You do you! Most people would want a spouse who can take the lead on one of those tasks. Your DH won the jackpot because he doesn’t have to do either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being super involved with the kids doesn't mean you do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, doctors appointments, etc. She isn't going tome that much going back after 15 years. At best she will probably make $40-45K and after taxes and paying for a housekeeper and someone to do what she does, it will be less than you think. Why don't you get a better job? I don't get how you cannot live off $150-170+ or how ever much you make when many of us do it comfortably and save for college. Stop spending so much.

If she's smart she'd divorce you and get child support and alimony.

Housekeeper? Her kids are in high school they should have chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

I'm the default parent AND I work full time in management at a Big Four consulting firm. Am I some kind of superhero??

Nope. You are racing around, stressed, you don’t see your kids a lot, you had them in daycare 10-12 hours a day at 3 months, you think high schoolers should be left to their own doings, you outsource everything, and “point and click” all your daily tasks and can’t believe everyone else doesn’t live like this too.

Well at least PP’s kids won’t have a boatload of student loans, no help with a down payment, and to financially support her in her old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

I'm the default parent AND I work full time in management at a Big Four consulting firm. Am I some kind of superhero??

Nope. You are racing around, stressed, you don’t see your kids a lot, you had them in daycare 10-12 hours a day at 3 months, you think high schoolers should be left to their own doings, you outsource everything, and “point and click” all your daily tasks and can’t believe everyone else doesn’t live like this too.

Well at least PP’s kids won’t have a boatload of student loans, no help with a down payment, and to financially support her in her old age.

But they are growing up with a dad who doesn’t do anything around the house and doesn’t make much money.

The only difference between PP and OP is that she’s the default parent breadwinner who makes a thousand excuses for why her DH couldn’t possibly contribute to the family. OPs wife works and takes of the care of the kids and he dismisses all her contributions.

The cognitive dissonance is amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

If you do all the household labor and you’re the breadwinner, then you’re a sucker who should have gotten a long time ago.

OPs wife takes care of the children AND works part time. She contributes to her family.

You married a loser. Sorry.

Nice try but I choose to work. My husband travels out of state for his job so he just isn't around to help out on a daily basis.

Unlike loser OP's useless wife, we have budgeted so that we can easily live on one salary - if one of us loses a job, nothing will change in our lifestyle except adding less money to savings. So much for OP's wife contributing... neither of them knows how to budget and she's certainly not stepping up and doing a great job running their household.

I couldn't wait to go back to work after maternity leave. I don't know how SAHMs deal with that tedium.

Calling them losers for no reason makes me think you're one unhappy camper. A lot of odd projections about these people.

OP I'm sure there's a compromise. Talk to her about the budget and her feelings regarding college and savings. Let us know how it goes, good luck.

[Anonymous]

So many of the people chiming in here sound so mean, hardened, and not at all reflective of what I see in marriages around me, including my own. DH and I both work full time at jobs with moderate pay but considerable flexibility. Our kids are tweens/young teens now and have only 15 minutes a day at home without a parent. We don’t have any cleaning help (OK, this is unusual in our circle! But our income only very recently surpassed 200k) or childcare help and we eat home-cooked meals every night.

Most of our friends here in DC have similar lives, wherein both parents work, shop, take kids to appointments and sports practices, etc. I have exactly one friend with same-aged kids who is a SAHM. I certainly don’t think less of her.

I personally think OP is within his rights to want his wife to work more hours and contribute more to his family’s finances. I also get that re-entering the workplace at middle age is daunting. If he can talk to her honestly and respectfully, with gratitude and understanding for the years she devoted to their kids, he can make some progress. Especially if he assures her that he will pick up a LOT of slack while she adjusts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of the people chiming in here sound so mean, hardened, and not at all reflective of what I see in marriages around me, including my own. DH and I both work full time at jobs with moderate pay but considerable flexibility. Our kids are tweens/young teens now and have only 15 minutes a day at home without a parent. We don’t have any cleaning help (OK, this is unusual in our circle! But our income only very recently surpassed 200k) or childcare help and we eat home-cooked meals every night.

Most of our friends here in DC have similar lives, wherein both parents work, shop, take kids to appointments and sports practices, etc. I have exactly one friend with same-aged kids who is a SAHM. I certainly don’t think less of her.

I personally think OP is within his rights to want his wife to work more hours and contribute more to his family’s finances. I also get that re-entering the workplace at middle age is daunting. If he can talk to her honestly and respectfully, with gratitude and understanding for the years she devoted to their kids, he can make some progress. Especially if he assures her that he will pick up a LOT of slack while she adjusts.

In OPs case his wife is already back in the workforce in her professional role as a speech therapist. He just wants her to work more hours as she is part time and they need her to be full time to increase their HHI so they can fund college and retirement.

[Anonymous]

It’s wild everyone assumes a housekeeper is a given. We make $300k combined, both work full time, kids are in elementary. No housekeeper. Why on earth do you just assume that is a necessary expense?

Sorry OP. Your wife is lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

I don't have a college degree, work 35 hrs a week, no weekends and make 140K a year, full health benefits and I pay nothing out of my check. I also get 10% of my salary put into a retirement account and I don't even have to match to get that. So, yeah, it can be done. I don't get how someone can spend the money on two masters and make 50K, unless they are a teacher. IMO they deserve so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

If you do all the household labor and you’re the breadwinner, then you’re a sucker who should have gotten a long time ago.

OPs wife takes care of the children AND works part time. She contributes to her family.

You married a loser. Sorry.

Nice try but I choose to work. My husband travels out of state for his job so he just isn't around to help out on a daily basis.

Unlike loser OP's useless wife, we have budgeted so that we can easily live on one salary - if one of us loses a job, nothing will change in our lifestyle except adding less money to savings. So much for OP's wife contributing... neither of them knows how to budget and she's certainly not stepping up and doing a great job running their household.

I couldn't wait to go back to work after maternity leave. I don't know how SAHMs deal with that tedium.

Calling them losers for no reason makes me think you're one unhappy camper. A lot of odd projections about these people.

OP I'm sure there's a compromise. Talk to her about the budget and her feelings regarding college and savings. Let us know how it goes, good luck.

DP. Or...some of us actually think OPs wife is a lazy loser, regardless of our personal circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I also wonder why everyone assumes OPs wife is doing all these wonderful things for the home and for the dc. She might be but she might not. I was sah at least 6 years and so spent a lot of time with other SAHs. Not all had immaculate or even clean houses, not all were reading, singing, playing with dc, not all cooked or cooked very often, not all took care of themselves, etc.

I’m sure the spouse of topic is lovely and likely does an amazing job but we really don’t know. Just another perspective to the “ she can’t possibly work because who would do all the amazing things she does.” Just like WOH we are all different so what works for one does not for another. Not knowing their situation we don’t know if would be better, worse, same.