Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, breadwinner parent dying is tough but so is SAHM dying as now you've to pay someone for those unpaid services. Also both parents can die, better have multiple parents ... or just have better savings and insurance and education to get back in workforce if needed.

+1
There are no guarantees in life. Good disability insurance and life insurance is necessary for everyone. Education and skills is a necessity before having kids, even if you want to be a SAHP. Prenups are a good thing especially if you’re entering a marriage with a lot of your own assets.
Parents should also think about lifestyle with their career even if they do keep working after kids. I know a nurse who is leaving an abusive spouse. She wants sole custody of her kids due to her spouse’s abusiveness, but her current career experience with 12 hr shift work and variable night shift schedule makes it extremely difficult to manage full time childcare alone. She’s desperately trying to transition into a different kind of nursing that would better match school hours but having difficulty finding a position.

[Anonymous]

Op, will you actually make a good sahm? Are you organized enough to keep a clean house and organize everyone’s schedules and meals? High energy? Willing to get dirty? Interested in and capable enough to help with teaching the things he wants his kids to learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

This statement is really truly awful. Are you only working if you get paid? Do you think caring for children and the home not to be vaulable?

Op,
this person is not the right one. sounds like breaking up even hard is the right thing. He probably would expect you to work and also be the primary parent and take care of the home while he just works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem very focused on "this benefits the kids and it's what I want". But you need to actually address his concerns.

It may be that what you think is "enough" is not what they think is "enough". If you're really going to be persuasive you need to think through retirement savings for both of you and the possibility of extra expenses due to kids having special or medical needs, plus family of origin stuff. Plus goals such as owning a home or early retirement. You might not think college funds are important but what if he does? Stuff like that. And the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and knowing that his options to change jobs or earn less in a job he likes better are very, very limited because you've damaged your earning capacity.

He may worry that you'll become really boring (I'm not saying SAHMs are boring, I'm saying he might think that) and you'll live your lives basically separately because he'll have to work so much to afford it.

This arrangement *can* be mutually beneficial, or not, depending on how it goes. If you're not conscientious and organized, he'll have the loss of income plus a messy household and the kids won't get the level of care they'd get in a quality daycare. It may be that he just doesn't think you'd make a good SAHM, maybe he doesn't agree with your approach to parenting or you wouldn't cook or keep the house in a way that he likes.

Also consider that many people, including SAHMs, think their child benefits from a quality part-time preschool before starting Kindergarten. Which costs money.

Working people aren't always exciting either.

[Anonymous]

There are some men who simply don’t respect SAHMs, even if they rehearse the boilerplate “it’s the hardest job in the world” rhetoric.

You need to find one who does—he will most likely be traditional but I don’t see an issue with that and think it’s worth the trade off. That what I would do if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, will you actually make a good sahm? Are you organized enough to keep a clean house and organize everyone’s schedules and meals? High energy? Willing to get dirty? Interested in and capable enough to help with teaching the things he wants his kids to learn?

Why would you assume op couldn't be a good SAHM? And what does 'willing to get dirty' mean? And why the 'interested enough to hep with teaching the things he wants HIS kids to learn? Why are they considered HIS kids? And why aren't you asking if BOTH are interested? Also, she wants to be a mom not a maid. Sure that is part of the job but no one is perfect and your standards seem too high

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

This is the move, OP. Why make a problem so soon before something happens?

Yup, once he realizes how much care actually costs and how much work it is, things change. It’s easy to be 30 and say you want your wife to work. It’s different when you have to take days off to stay with your sick kid, who’s been already sick 3 weeks ago, and your wife is away on a business trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some men who simply don’t respect SAHMs, even if they rehearse the boilerplate “it’s the hardest job in the world” rhetoric.

You need to find one who does—he will most likely be traditional but I don’t see an issue with that and think it’s worth the trade off. That what I would do if I were you.

A lot of people, both male and female don't respect SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

No, That is unfair, and asking further questions trouble downthe line.

Put your preference in an online profile and see who you attract maybe?

Perhaps also try meeting someone who attends an evangelical church?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

This statement is really truly awful. Are you only working if you get paid? Do you think caring for children and the home not to be vaulable?

Op,
this person is not the right one. sounds like breaking up even hard is the right thing. He probably would expect you to work and also be the primary parent and take care of the home while he just works.

If you have children, someone has to take care of them. Not respecting and valuing those care givers, paid or unpaid, seems to me a huge societal problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

What an idiotic post.
For one thing, nannies aren’t cheap, as multiple posters have pointed out.
Secondly, MOST people in the US are “low income” by your standards. The median individual income is about 50k. That’s not enough to do much of anything let alone daycare for 2-3k a month for one infant. You are right to point out that some might be lower income if it makes more financial sense to stay home with the baby. But not everyone can make 150k and if everyone did, their buying power would be less. Our economy requires low income workers. And “don’t have kids if you can’t afford them” will result in an immediate population collapse.

We need to make things better for parents and especially mothers in this country. It is not good for infants to be shipped off to daycare at six weeks. If we can offer daycare subsidies, why couldn’t we just give the money to families to allow a parent to stay home longer?

I had my kids before I really had a career, so I was definitely in the camp of not working because I couldn’t afford daycare. My husband was supportive of the idea of me being a SAHM but he did not earn much in those early years and it was hard. But I am so glad I had those years with my kids. I went back to work as soon as the youngest was in K and I have an awesome well paying career now with kids in HS. I only wish it did not have to be so hard for us in the early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some men who simply don’t respect SAHMs, even if they rehearse the boilerplate “it’s the hardest job in the world” rhetoric.

You need to find one who does—he will most likely be traditional but I don’t see an issue with that and think it’s worth the trade off. That what I would do if I were you.

A lot of people, both male and female don't respect SAHM

I find some of the worst ones to be the “feminists” on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, will you actually make a good sahm? Are you organized enough to keep a clean house and organize everyone’s schedules and meals? High energy? Willing to get dirty? Interested in and capable enough to help with teaching the things he wants his kids to learn?

Why would you assume op couldn't be a good SAHM? And what does 'willing to get dirty' mean? And why the 'interested enough to hep with teaching the things he wants HIS kids to learn? Why are they considered HIS kids? And why aren't you asking if BOTH are interested? Also, she wants to be a mom not a maid. Sure that is part of the job but no one is perfect and your standards seem too high

DP. Those are high standards? So the bare minimum is a "high" standard, and yet SAHMs who can't even do that should be respected? You're not exactly helping the lazy perceptions here...

Plenty of non-lazy SAHMs can do all of that and more, and do a good job of it.