Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

OP here.
Is it unreasonable for a woman to want to be a SAHM? This is only during the kids early years. Why don’t men find it mutually beneficial?
Should I just give up on that wish?
Where did all SAHM here find men who didn’t find it unreasonable?

We didn’t plan on it, but circumstances evolved so that it made the most sense for our families. I always worked part time kept some hourly work at least from a former employer, them went back 20 hours, now back full time. I’m a lawyer so I earned more than DH early in our marriage. His income jumped later and I could be home or very part/time a few years. The key is that marriage should be a partnership, that means you should be open to doing what works for the family. You just won’t be able to know what that is until you get there. Declaring you want to be a stay at home mom signals to guys that u want to be taken care of. Declaring youd like one parent home as much as possible from ages 0-6 if we can swing that financially addresses your wishes in a way that also signals you r willing to be an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

In two full time in person job families, mostly kids are in daycare for 7-6 and asleep 9-6 so nobody does much parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Meaning I’m the only one home, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t call to talk to us. I know plenty of parents who travel for work 3-4 nights a week (my own dad was one). Is a divorced parent who only has custody every other weekend any less of a parent?

Yes, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Good for you. Sounds like the day to day parenting stuff isn’t something you really enjoy, and you want to have childcare and an involved spouse to take some of it off your plate so that you can do the things you want to do, so you chose a partner who would support that.
Some people really want to be with their kids all day, and they like it. So they chose a partner who would support them in that.

Frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with a man who fought me on who got to go to mommy and me gym class or who thought we should hand it off to a nanny. I wanted to go to all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Meaning I’m the only one home, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t call to talk to us. I know plenty of parents who travel for work 3-4 nights a week (my own dad was one). Is a divorced parent who only has custody every other weekend any less of a parent?

Look ma'am, if you're good with your husband only speaking to your children on the phone a few times a week, then fine. All I'm saying is that that set up isn't one I would choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

In two full time in person job families, mostly kids are in daycare for 7-6 and asleep 9-6 so nobody does much parenting.

Not true at all. SAHMs tell themselves this to make them feel better about earning $0 a year.

You’re discounting how many parents have flexible arrangements, staggered schedules and WFH. There are very few kids in childcare for 11 hours a day and in my state, that’s illegal anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Good for you. Sounds like the day to day parenting stuff isn’t something you really enjoy, and you want to have childcare and an involved spouse to take some of it off your plate so that you can do the things you want to do, so you chose a partner who would support that.
Some people really want to be with their kids all day, and they like it. So they chose a partner who would support them in that.

Frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with a man who fought me on who got to go to mommy and me gym class or who thought we should hand it off to a nanny. I wanted to go to all of them.

Quite the pretzel you're twisting yourself into to try to make a point. No, I do enjoy parenting, but I don't want my kids raised primarily by me. I find it super weird that you wouldn't want your husband to take your kids to a class. You could also both go. There are a lot of options other than this world where you're envisioning a dad fighting you (seriously, read what you wrote, it's nuts) to go to a class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

In two full time in person job families, mostly kids are in daycare for 7-6 and asleep 9-6 so nobody does much parenting.

Not true at all. SAHMs tell themselves this to make them feel better about earning $0 a year.

You’re discounting how many parents have flexible arrangements, staggered schedules and WFH. There are very few kids in childcare for 11 hours a day and in my state, that’s illegal anyway.

I remember my kids’ daycare was open 12 hours a day, and there was one child that would be in for all 12 hours. But most weren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

That’s exactly how it was for me. There was no persuading on my part. It allowed him to never say no to anything at work. It made things simple for him. Until he decided he wanted to “pursue his other options” this worked very well. Now I work full time, but still do 100% of things for the kids. He never gets calls from their schools or needs to do doc appointments. Instead of being his wife, I’m now just the paid help who ensures he is never inconvenienced.

That sounds miserable.

It does, and I assumed PP was trolling

[Anonymous]

Lots of trolling on this particular thread. That’s the only way troll Op could keep it going with so much nonsense so many pages. Lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

That’s exactly how it was for me. There was no persuading on my part. It allowed him to never say no to anything at work. It made things simple for him. Until he decided he wanted to “pursue his other options” this worked very well. Now I work full time, but still do 100% of things for the kids. He never gets calls from their schools or needs to do doc appointments. Instead of being his wife, I’m now just the paid help who ensures he is never inconvenienced.

That sounds miserable.

It does, and I assumed PP was trolling

I’m the PP. Not trolling, but I was in a really bad mood. Am I actually just the paid help? No. But it sometimes feels that way when I’m trying to be in 3 places at once while trying to not get fired. It’s no different than any other solo working parent, I know. I’m just learning some hard lessons and whining about it. And I’m bitter about getting dumped. Cue all of the “shouldn’t have gotten fat and lazy” stuff. “Should have given more BJs to hold on to him.” I’ve heard it all.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I grew up in homes where both parents worked. We both knew that we did not want that for our kids. I left the workforce after our first and never went back. We have four kids and have been married 30 years. Not rich, but made it work. Couldn’t be happier with our choices. Kids feel very lucky for the childhoods they had. Their dad was very present and involved throughout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Good for you. Sounds like the day to day parenting stuff isn’t something you really enjoy, and you want to have childcare and an involved spouse to take some of it off your plate so that you can do the things you want to do, so you chose a partner who would support that.
Some people really want to be with their kids all day, and they like it. So they chose a partner who would support them in that.

Frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with a man who fought me on who got to go to mommy and me gym class or who thought we should hand it off to a nanny. I wanted to go to all of them.

Quite the pretzel you're twisting yourself into to try to make a point. No, I do enjoy parenting, but I don't want my kids raised primarily by me. I find it super weird that you wouldn't want your husband to take your kids to a class. You could also both go. There are a lot of options other than this world where you're envisioning a dad fighting you (seriously, read what you wrote, it's nuts) to go to a class.

You’re fine. I like going to these classes. It doesn’t seem weird to me to want to go to them. It also seems fine to me to only want to go to some of them and have your husband or nanny go to some. My sister feels that way, and she’s a great mom. People have different preferences.

I don’t really imagine that you are having knock down drag out fights about who gets to read to the kids at night or anything! I’m sure that you and your husband have this figured out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

In two full time in person job families, mostly kids are in daycare for 7-6 and asleep 9-6 so nobody does much parenting.

Not true at all. SAHMs tell themselves this to make them feel better about earning $0 a year.

You’re discounting how many parents have flexible arrangements, staggered schedules and WFH. There are very few kids in childcare for 11 hours a day and in my state, that’s illegal anyway.

That comment was for two full time working in person couples, not for both partners with light and flexible schedules or work from home.