Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

What does your sister do? I can’t imagine consistently relying on DH to shuffle the kids around while I was at work.
My experience is much more like the SAHM who posted earlier. DH is more hands on with the kids when I am always there as a possible back-up if he gets caught up and isn’t able to make it. If I’m at work and absolutely need childcare or transportation, I schedule carpools or hire a sitter.

It has really not been my experience that my husband’s relationship to his work or his commitment to his patients that he is operating on changes with my employment status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

What does your sister do? I can’t imagine consistently relying on DH to shuffle the kids around while I was at work.
My experience is much more like the SAHM who posted earlier. DH is more hands on with the kids when I am always there as a possible back-up if he gets caught up and isn’t able to make it. If I’m at work and absolutely need childcare or transportation, I schedule carpools or hire a sitter.

It has really not been my experience that my husband’s relationship to his work or his commitment to his patients that he is operating on changes with my employment status.

She is a researcher. But her commute is 45 mins so she cannot be a last minute back up. They make it work because he chooses to. Do you think there are no moms who are surgeons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

What does your sister do? I can’t imagine consistently relying on DH to shuffle the kids around while I was at work.
My experience is much more like the SAHM who posted earlier. DH is more hands on with the kids when I am always there as a possible back-up if he gets caught up and isn’t able to make it. If I’m at work and absolutely need childcare or transportation, I schedule carpools or hire a sitter.

It has really not been my experience that my husband’s relationship to his work or his commitment to his patients that he is operating on changes with my employment status.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

What does your sister do? I can’t imagine consistently relying on DH to shuffle the kids around while I was at work.
My experience is much more like the SAHM who posted earlier. DH is more hands on with the kids when I am always there as a possible back-up if he gets caught up and isn’t able to make it. If I’m at work and absolutely need childcare or transportation, I schedule carpools or hire a sitter.

It has really not been my experience that my husband’s relationship to his work or his commitment to his patients that he is operating on changes with my employment status.

She is a researcher. But her commute is 45 mins so she cannot be a last minute back up. They make it work because he chooses to. Do you think there are no moms who are surgeons?

The moms I know who are surgeons either work part time and don’t do a lot of actual surgeries, are married to a SAHD or man who works part time (often retired military for whatever reason), or have a ton of super involved family around (ie. their own SAHM).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Journalism didn't define purpose for Hunter S Thompson? Physics and educating didn't define purpose for Richard Feynman? You looked at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and thought to yourself "No purpose of value here, just a way to pay the bills."

Your acquaintances volunteering themselves for purpose-less jobs isn't a universal definition of 'work'.

+1. That seemed like a weird comment to make following the one about SAHM married to a surgeon. I think both of them are defined by their work.

I have kids and I find people who go on about how having kids is the only way to have meaning come across as protesting too much.

Subsuming your entire personality on being a parent sounds like a recipe for disaster. The reality is that you're building an independent person who's going to go off and have their own life. And so it's also important to have your own as well. What that looks like can be up to you.

I don't know if it's protesting too much (sometimes it is) or just being so simple-minded and boring that you can't see yourself as anything other than a parent, but I agree with your sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

So what was best for your family was to basically not be a family since it's you and the kids on one side and then him just making money on the other side? He's essentially a bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

That’s exactly how it was for me. There was no persuading on my part. It allowed him to never say no to anything at work. It made things simple for him. Until he decided he wanted to “pursue his other options” this worked very well. Now I work full time, but still do 100% of things for the kids. He never gets calls from their schools or needs to do doc appointments. Instead of being his wife, I’m now just the paid help who ensures he is never inconvenienced.

That sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Meaning I’m the only one home, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t call to talk to us. I know plenty of parents who travel for work 3-4 nights a week (my own dad was one). Is a divorced parent who only has custody every other weekend any less of a parent?

[Anonymous]

If money isn’t an issue then family life is much easier with one SAHP or part timer but everyone can’t pull that off and certainly very few can in this era of fragile economy and matrimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

You said, and I quote "I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare."

Correct. Are you saying housework and childcare = parenting? If so, are the parents who outsource housework and nannies not parenting?
To me childcare is making sure kids get their diapers changed and fielding requests for snacks every 30 seconds and don’t burn down the house. Parenting is being significantly involved in their life and upbringing, providing emotional support and love and guidance. Sure for some dads that means taking off one afternoon a week to coach little league, but it doesn’t have to look like that (and for the record our family has zero interest in sports). It can also look like hearing about how a friend left you out at recess today and how that made you feel, and maybe sharing a time when you felt left out as a kid. That’s parenting to me.

Ok, you also said you do "solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career." So MOST OF THE TIME your husband doesn't do any parenting. If it works for you, great. I would never be married to someone who didn't do as much parenting as I did.

Meaning I’m the only one home, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t call to talk to us. I know plenty of parents who travel for work 3-4 nights a week (my own dad was one). Is a divorced parent who only has custody every other weekend any less of a parent?

DP. Debating child-care vs parenting seems beyond the point. Your husband is marginally involved in his children’s lives at best. Since this is 2026 and that doesn’t really fly, you need to come up with fig leaves to give him cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

NP here. The taking on of the mental load is what separates a baby sitter from a parent IMO. I understand that many fathers do not take on planning and managing children related issues, even in dual income families. But they do have to take on some.

Deciding to take off at 4 pm once a week to coach a team for 12 weeks or rearranging your schedule to manage pick up every day or taking on the responsibility of dinner on the table 2 or 3 days a week around the kids schedules are all ways dual income fathers prioritize their kids and don’t see them as an accessory. I would hope that SAhM ask the same of their husbands. The truth of the matter is that neither men nor women are prepared for the enormous responsibility of planning every hour of this new helpless being. The more you practice, the better you get, as moms everywhere have learned. Mom occasionally being gone on work trips or working late or early makes Dads figure it out too. My own DH started annotating the family calendar with “sign Larlo up for soccer” and similar simply because he did it so often that he knew the flow and knew what the downsides of not signing up early were. Same as Moms who signed their kids up season after season.

Surgeons aren’t going to be able to do these things. It doesn’t matter how much money their wife/husband makes.

My BIL does. By adjusting his on call hours, by shifting his hours on the two to three days a week he is not scheduled for surgery to allow for pick up and coaching. By bypassing some of the conferences he would like to go to. Agreed he doesn’t do pickup every day but he is pulling his weight. And he wouldn’t have figured it out if my sister wasn’t working. He would say “I can’t do that and be a surgeon”.

What does your sister do? I can’t imagine consistently relying on DH to shuffle the kids around while I was at work.
My experience is much more like the SAHM who posted earlier. DH is more hands on with the kids when I am always there as a possible back-up if he gets caught up and isn’t able to make it. If I’m at work and absolutely need childcare or transportation, I schedule carpools or hire a sitter.

It has really not been my experience that my husband’s relationship to his work or his commitment to his patients that he is operating on changes with my employment status.

She is a researcher. But her commute is 45 mins so she cannot be a last minute back up. They make it work because he chooses to. Do you think there are no moms who are surgeons?

I’m a SAHM married to a surgeon. You cannot depend on a surgeon to get out of work at a specific time to be able to do pick up. Of course many surgeons have childcare and babysitters, drivers, nannies.

DH is a busy surgeon but we also know low volume surgeons. Even low volume surgeons can have complications, get bumped up with OR time, etc so they can’t get out at a set time reliably. I guess if you do like one case per day and your surgeries are tiny. Turnaround time is often unpredictable and the biggest X factor. DH is home at a decent hour most days but I can never rely on him 100%.