Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Journalism didn't define purpose for Hunter S Thompson? Physics and educating didn't define purpose for Richard Feynman? You looked at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and thought to yourself "No purpose of value here, just a way to pay the bills."

Your acquaintances volunteering themselves for purpose-less jobs isn't a universal definition of 'work'.

+1. That seemed like a weird comment to make following the one about SAHM married to a surgeon. I think both of them are defined by their work.

I have kids and I find people who go on about how having kids is the only way to have meaning come across as protesting too much.

Subsuming your entire personality on being a parent sounds like a recipe for disaster. The reality is that you're building an independent person who's going to go off and have their own life. And so it's also important to have your own as well. What that looks like can be up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

+1. Different strokes for different folks.

I think I got the best of both worlds. I stayed home for 7 years until the kids were in kindergarten. DH is a civil servant so he never made ridiculous money, but we were always comfortable and have enough savings to maintain our current lifestyle indefinitely. It is 100% doable on a reasonable but not high income.

DH works 45 hours a week max. He has always been very involved with the kids" homework, extracurricular activities, laundry, cooking etc. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

💤

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

I think women know that the SAHM gig becomes a con once the kids are in school, which is one reason why so few would sign up for a role reversal, where they are the breadwinners. Heck, even having a remote-work husband drives many of them batty, whether they are SAHM, WOHM, or remote work themselves. And the idea that a breadwinner wife would have to fork over her 50% of her savings and pay child support to a SAHD in the case of a divorce — inconceivable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

I think women know that the SAHM gig becomes a con once the kids are in school, which is one reason why so few would sign up for a role reversal, where they are the breadwinners. Heck, even having a remote-work husband drives many of them batty, whether they are SAHM, WOHM, or remote work themselves. And the idea that a breadwinner wife would have to fork over her 50% of her savings and pay child support to a SAHD in the case of a divorce — inconceivable!

Are you kidding? I 100% would love to only have to worry about work. DH has it made. And I’ve known at least 3 women who paid alimony and child support post divorce, what are you even on about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you're still following this thread, I'd advise you to call your ex, apologize for how things ended between the two of you, tell him you still love him, tell him you understand where he's coming from, suggest compromises such as you going down to part-time work, and if that doesn't work, eventually settle on deciding to hire a nanny or nanny-share. What you're looking for isn't unreasonable, but you're unlikely to find it in this economy and job market. After years of marriage, you two may have much more assets, when the staying home issue can be revisited.

+1

[Anonymous]

I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

That’s exactly how it was for me. There was no persuading on my part. It allowed him to never say no to anything at work. It made things simple for him. Until he decided he wanted to “pursue his other options” this worked very well. Now I work full time, but still do 100% of things for the kids. He never gets calls from their schools or needs to do doc appointments. Instead of being his wife, I’m now just the paid help who ensures he is never inconvenienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

I never said he doesn’t do any parenting. My biggest request is that the time he is off (weekends he’s not on call, vacation time, etc) that is reserved for quality family time. It might be less than most families but we try to make it really quality. He is absolutely an emotionally present parent for the kids, instilling values and emotional support and love. On nights he can’t be home he still FaceTimes the kids to hear about their day. He just doesn’t do any of the slog part of parenting like the housework and extracurricular runs and mental load. Which, to be fair, many working dads don’t do whether they have a SAH parent or not. Plenty of dual-income families are outsourcing most of this work anyway. As a SAHP I just choose to do it myself instead of outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?
[/quote

Your friend gave you very BAD advice. You have now wasted years. Your desire to be a SAHM should be brought up within 3 months of dating when you are exclusive. Men do not magically change. Some are okay with it and some are not. They know right away. Don't waste time next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?
[/quote

Your friend gave you very BAD advice. You have now wasted years. Your desire to be a SAHM should be brought up within 3 months of dating when you are exclusive. Men do not magically change. Some are okay with it and some are not. They know right away. Don't waste time next time.

Your friend gave you very BAD advice. You have now wasted years. Your desire to be a SAHM should be brought up within 3 months of dating when you are exclusive. Men do not magically change. Some are okay with it and some are not. They know right away. Don't waste time next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

Extremely well put. “Paid work is for suckers; also, husband, can you spot me a $20?”