It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope these parents do not utter such things in front of their own children, because that stuff can be hella damaging to the psyche.

Exactly! OP, I loved being DINK with my husband. I have one kid not planned. Catholics so we had her. Great kid and greatest joy of our lives! Most people adjust accordingly. They probably miss great travel. Kids grow up fast...so people might be temporarily miserable. If you had a superstar kid like mine, you'd be sad to miss out. If you have a bad one...you'd be sorry you had one. It helps to have a girl!

And the good thing is, 99% of parents think their own child is a superstar just like you do, way better than other kids, so, true deep regret rarely happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have not read the whole thread. Basically, millennials, like their Boomer parents, are the most self-absorbed generation(s) of all time. So, they just blab at each other about how hard everything is and prioritize themselves in all situations.

My GenX friends and I love having our kids around, even when it is tough, and enjoy one another's families. Life is not just about expensive vacations (I have done plenty of those). Buying yourself stuff maxes out as far as enjoyment at a certain point. I am headed out to see a new baby nephew soon and cannot wait. I love being from a big family and being part of the next generation as a mom, aunt, and potentially grandmother one day.

I used to travel the world for work business/first class and stay in 5 star hotels. I can't imagine just making a whole life out of fancy breakfast buffets and aperols. But, great--enjoy and if you need validation, just ask another millennial for it!

I love how Gen Xers love to say how millennials and boomers are so self absorbed and nowhere near as amazing as Gen Xers. Which is basically the definition of being self absorbed 😂

Whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, they are just making you feel better and making conversation. I have said the same thing to people without pets, people without mortgages, people without yards and land to maintain, people without kids. Light conversation and by no means would I not want to have my own dogs, my own property, my own yard and my own kids.

Yes. Oh Garsh you are so lucky to have that cute little condo. I'm always losing things in my 11 rooms. It's crazy. You did it right with 1500 sq ft living.

Nobody. means. it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title says. We don’t hate kids or anything, but we have encountered a number of instances over the last several years of our close friends and coworkers blurting out loud with very frank off the cuff remarks that we did it right and that they basically regret having their kids due to stress, finances, and lack of freedom. One coworker recently asked what we were doing for vacation this year, and I told her that we are going to Europe. She let out a loooong sigh and said, “I wish I were you and did it right.” I didn’t know how to respond and said nothing. Another family friend always, alllllways talks about how much better off he thinks he would have been if he didn’t have his two sons (one has a disability that requires intense care). I have no doubt he loves his sons, but I think he is definitely convinced his life would have been better (and definitely easier) without them.


But what is with so many parents seemingly regretting having their children these days? And not only that, but blurting the quiet part out loud is now acceptable? It’s also uncomfortable to tell us this simply because we don’t have kids. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me you regret the biggest decision you made in your life, which is to produce another human.

I think they are trying to make you feel good. So many couples can’t have kids so they are downplaying their biggest joy. And yes, biggest everything else. But I assure you, they wouldn’t change anything.
I am in my 60s and I see a great deal of sadness in friends who lived the dink life. The really sad thing is when they talk about who to leave their money to.
Being a parent is the hardest thing a person can do. 24/7 hard. It’s natural to fantasize about a break.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really terrible to make comments about personal choices. I never gloat about having kids and my childless by choice friends have never gloated about their choice. It isn’t an interesting topic of conversation. Yes, most everyone likes their decisions, as it should be!

[Anonymous]

My kids were born in 2007 & 2009 and oh my gosh I feel so much guilt bringing them into the world so I probably have given you that comment OP.


I wanted a family - but should have adopted or fostered someone already created.

[Anonymous]

What about the OINKs? Do you feel like you missed out or are you happy with how everything turned out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Have you considered that you’re a bad person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Have you considered that you’re a bad person?

DP. Saying nice things even if we don’t mean them is what greases the wheels of conversation and makes people generally agreeable to be around. Being shown photos of ugly babies, listening to 6th grade band concerts, eating aunt Joan’s casserole - these are all times when most of us are nice when we don’t have to be.

But I think you can have a full and happy life without kids, without a romantic partner, without pets, without chocolate, without traveling, without having watched Schitt’s Creek, etc. Different strokes, right?

[Anonymous]

Having kids isn't that great. I don't regret becoming a parent but I think I would have been happier childless. I think its just become ok to say this out loud. Enjoy the DINK life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Yea, I think some people say this kind of thing without meaning it. Like, in that moment, the carefree kid-free life sounds appealing for a moment and I can see thinking, "Ahh, I wish I was going on a relaxing kid-free vacation this week instead of to a baseball tournament. But the truth is, I love my life--as hard as it is sometimes--and I would not trade it for anything. And I would not actually trade these baseball tournaments for kid-free vacations. There are moments when I think I would, but I love watching my kids do what they love. My kids are 13 and 15 now, and I can really say I have loved every stage. There were minutes and hours, sometimes even days that I hated it, but overall, I love everything about being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DINKS
Enjoy what you enjoy,OK? No one is challenging you, but listen to us, those that had families- never, never in a million years would I have ever not have my family. And I would never wish to have your child free life, even the hard days. I could never have imagined what it would be like not to have kids or have kids before having kids. Now I know- and you don't. Sorry, but you don't.

This is an important point. People with kids know what it is like to not have kids. Because before they did, they did not. People without kids do not know. They may think they know because their sister/best friend/etc. has kids and they spend a lot of time with them. But you cannot actually know until you experience it yourself.

[Anonymous]

We just became DINKS at age of 47/48, after raising two amazing children. Now we are officially empty nesters and DINKS. It is awesome to experience both ways.

[Anonymous]

To each their own. Would never trade having kids at an older age for anything in this world. Never really known true happiness before kids, but you would not understand what I mean unless you have kids. And I was in no shape to be a good parent until well into my 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about the OINKs? Do you feel like you missed out or are you happy with how everything turned out?

I definitely spend time thinking I missed out - usually during my times of deepest depression, which I’ve struggled with on and off since my abusive childhood.

I have to keep it in perspective - it’s easy to think of the road not taken when one is in low times in life, and to fantasize that taking that road would have resulted in sunshine and butterflies and one would not have experienced the despair of the present moment. Of course that’s the furthest from the truth.

Neverthless, the feelings persist at times.

But beside them is the peace in my life, the lack of contempt and resentment, the lack of demands of endless domestic servitude and the abundant ingratitude. The lack of fear that my spouse or child might hurt me - because far too many do. The lack of anxiety about all the bad things that might befall my beloved child and over which I would be ultimately powerless.

I spend a lot of time as a listening ear for family and friends and sometimes mere acquaintances who vent their feelings about all the downsides of motherhood and wifehood. At midlife I’ve seen many of these women profoundly betrayed, dumped, or chronically brokenhearted. Of course they all love their children. But I’ve heard many of them in all sincerity assert that if they had it to do over . . .

It’s human nature to look to the other possibilities in life. Despite all I know about the pitfalls of marriage and motherhood, I still think of it with some yearning on occasion because I think of it working out great. But I know I would never trade my life for the lives of women I’ve seen who drew the short straw in marriage and motherhood.

Given the state of the environment I definitely don’t regret my childlessness. I just like to daydream happy families, like we all do. But happy families are rare. It is easier to build a contented life on one’s own when there are fewer variables at play that are entirely out of one’s own control.

I have a rich inner life, loved ones and a lifetime full of adventures and memories I’d likely not have had if tied to marriage and motherhood. With my depression in remission I’m not miserable at all - I struggle with grief over loved ones I’ve lost, but I know plenty of wives/mothers who have that same struggle at midlife so it’s nothing having children would have changed.

Going solo isn’t awful. Lots of people do it and we are not all miserable losers. Whichever married or divorced parents out there make that assumption, it says more about them than us.