Reply to It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What about the OINKs?  Do you feel like you missed out or are you happy with how everything turned out?[/quote]

I definitely spend time thinking I missed out - usually during my times of deepest depression, which I’ve struggled with on and off since my abusive childhood.

I have to keep it in perspective - it’s easy to think of the road not taken when one is in low times in life, and to fantasize that taking that road would have resulted in sunshine and butterflies and one would not have experienced the despair of the present moment. Of course that’s the furthest from the truth.

Neverthless, the feelings persist at times.

But beside them is the peace in my life, the lack of contempt and resentment, the lack of demands of endless domestic servitude and the abundant ingratitude. The lack of fear that my spouse or child might hurt me - because far too many do. The lack of anxiety about all the bad things that might befall my beloved child and over which I would be ultimately powerless.

I spend a lot of time as a listening ear for family and friends and sometimes mere acquaintances who vent their feelings about all the downsides of motherhood and wifehood. At midlife I’ve seen many of these women profoundly betrayed, dumped, or chronically brokenhearted. Of course they all love their children. But I’ve heard many of them in all sincerity assert that if they had it to do over . . .

It’s human nature to look to the other possibilities in life. Despite all I know about the pitfalls of marriage and motherhood, I still think of it with some yearning on occasion because I think of it working out great. But I know I would never trade my life for the lives of women I’ve seen who drew the short straw in marriage and motherhood.

Given the state of the environment I definitely don’t regret my childlessness. I just like to daydream happy families, like we all do. But happy families are rare. It is easier to build a contented life on one’s own when there are fewer variables at play that are entirely out of one’s own control.

I have a rich inner life, loved ones and a lifetime full of adventures and memories I’d likely not have had if tied to marriage and motherhood. With my depression in remission I’m not miserable at all - I struggle with grief over loved ones I’ve lost, but I know plenty of wives/mothers who have that same struggle at midlife so it’s nothing having children would have changed.

Going solo isn’t awful. Lots of people do it and we are not all miserable losers. Whichever married or divorced parents out there make that assumption, it says more about them than us. [/quote]

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