Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Except she didn't do those things. She "appeared" to be a shrew because that's how her husband painted her (and because many posters projected a ton of crap onto her). She wouldn't agree to one form of help. Within 24 hours, she had provided advice and agreed to a different form of help. We have only OP's word for it that this was somehow driven by her being "embittered," because his mom provided absolutely no help when she had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, while providing full-time care for his sister's kids. It's just as likely that she said no because it was a stupid and unsustainable plan. OP chucked his wife right under the bus, though, didn't he?

Yep! Starting with the miserable and very slanted heading to the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

I’d be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this. Sexism explains the attacks on the wife — but how does sexism explain giving the sister a pass?

There is absolutely nothing sexist about saying that the wife should not be standing in the way of her husband helping out his own parents. According to Op, the wife was the one insisting that her SIL do ALL of the check ins because her MIL had watched SIL's kids in the past. So if that is true, the wife was the one being sexist - if you believe Op's version of events.

[Anonymous]

Team wife- this is insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

I’d be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this. Sexism explains the attacks on the wife — but how does sexism explain giving the sister a pass?

There is absolutely nothing sexist about saying that the wife should not be standing in the way of her husband helping out his own parents. According to Op, the wife was the one insisting that her SIL do ALL of the check ins because her MIL had watched SIL's kids in the past. So if that is true, the wife was the one being sexist - if you believe Op's version of events.

You’re making an assertion that no one, including the OP has made.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you go check on your mom and your wife goes home to the kids? Why do you both have to check on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

Again. This is FIL's life and this is Op and his sisters' mom that we are talking about. There is a grieving process going on here and it can take a little time for a family to accept what is happening to their loved one. I remember the day we place dad in a locked Alzheimer's ward. It was horrible, sad but also something that I knew needed to be done. We knew at that point that there was no choice.

You have to be a little bit patient with people. This is not a "case" to them, this is a much beloved family member.

so when did the sister start posting on here?

OP needs to back his wife and make his sister accountable. OP's wife is the one who has finally come up with a resolution in all of this mess. What is OP's sister doing? OP needs to understand how this is going to mentally affect his relationship with his wife. He has not done right by her.

You have clearly never gone through anything like this in your family but I actually have. Losing a 60 something, formerly capable parent to early onset Alzheimer's is horrifying and not something that you just all of a sudden know how to handle. By the time they get diagnosed with it, they are having significant issues. You try meds at first to see if the progression can be slowed down. But they keep on deteriorating anyway....I can not imagine going up to a man who is losing his wife and the mother of children in such a horrific way and telling him to speed up the decision process buddy, the Nanny ain't cheap!

Why are you placing all responsibilities on OP’s wife to do right but not the sister. Why is there no mention of sis’ husband helping and this is sexist . The mom helped the sister so much that you would think the sister would help in much more significant way. Honestly, your viewpoint just seems so pointed that it seems like you are the sister.

BTW, this issue can lead to a conflict in brother’s marriage because the wife has a reason to be mad. In your book that’s ok but sis putting in more time isn’t right. OP better take care of his marriage. I think this would do some damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

[Anonymous]

So OP's Dad gets off work at 4 but someone need to be with mom around that time. And he's going to retire in a couple of years. So hasn't he built up enough good will with his employer to ask for slightly altered hours that would allow him to leave by 3 or 3:30 each day? He has lots of leave built up? So why can't he ask if he can use one hour of leave a day for the next several months if they are unwilling to adjust his hours? One full day of leave would allow him to leave work early for 7 or 8 days! I agree that OP is seeming more and more like a troll. There have been so many obvious opportunities for solutions but he seemed completely intent on just railroading his wife (who he still stuck with the work of solving the problem). And why the hell is the wife now expected to spend her weekends driving far to take care of MIL rather than spending time with her children. OP needs to be making those weekend trips for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

OP answered this upthread - the sister's husband is an unstable abusive alcoholic and the sister has left him many times, only to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Well, not totally. My MIL also does everything for my SIL. I get along pretty well with my MIL but I do not respect her decisions regarding my SIL. Sure, SIL is the one who takes advantage, but MIL enables that behavior. It's not fair of you to expect your wife to not view your mom's role in what happened with your sister.

[Anonymous]

OP seems like a bit like his sister a bit of an a****

[Anonymous]

wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

Soooo, sort of like the MIL who never reached out to help the wife - but who, to use your words, may now "reqire help of some kind similar"?
It blows my mind when people who push "reap what you sow" stances manage, blindly or deliberately, to only look at one side of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

The mil chose to watch them on her time and for free. No one has to pay anyone back for a favor, nor is it the other siblings business what mil chose to do. It's petty to be jealous about a thing like that.

The mil's husband is still young and can handle this marital responsibility. Seriously nothing to do with OP's wife, that's absurd.