Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Except she didn't do those things. She "appeared" to be a shrew because that's how her husband painted her (and because many posters projected a ton of crap onto her). She wouldn't agree to one form of help. Within 24 hours, she had provided advice and agreed to a different form of help. We have only OP's word for it that this was somehow driven by her being "embittered," because his mom provided absolutely no help when she had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, while providing full-time care for his sister's kids. It's just as likely that she said no because it was a stupid and unsustainable plan. OP chucked his wife right under the bus, though, didn't he?

Yes! Op chose to portray his wife that way in an attempt to weasel his way out of his commitment to his parents. The goal was to dump this all in his sister's lap. Luckily, his wife has decided to step up an provide some (minimal) guidance to this family. She isn't as awful as Op was making her out to be. Yay, wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pathetic how you talk about how your sister and wife should care for your mom. WHAT ABOUT YOU? She's YOUR mother. YOU go take care of her.

Well, OP refered to "we" adjusting work schedules and OP's wife refuses to absorb extra costs for child care to allow that. So even if OP did all the checks sounds like his wife disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pathetic how you talk about how your sister and wife should care for your mom. WHAT ABOUT YOU? She's YOUR mother. YOU go take care of her.

Well, OP refered to "we" adjusting work schedules and OP's wife refuses to absorb extra costs for child care to allow that. So even if OP did all the checks sounds like his wife disagrees.

Because OP's plan was terrible. Instead OP's wife helped her FIL come up with a good plan that is sustainable in the long run. That is the very definition of helping.

[Anonymous]

I still am waiting to hear about OP's hobbies, and if he could forgo some or all to fund the additional outlay of expenses.

Travel, golf, electronics, an expensive car (an the insurance and maintenance that goes with it) -- it adds up. If he is committed to doing this and financing it is a concern for the wife, it's probably feasible if he is willing to give things up.

[Anonymous]

OPs plan was to spend at least 2 hours driving. Some people LOVE to drive, blast the music, relax .... then spend 15 minutes checking on Mom. Then a take out meal. Then another long drive ...getting home after the chores are done and with an excuse.
Meanwhile back at home, DW is cooking cleaning working, doing childcare fixing dinner ... maybe OP isn’t missing the kids all THAT much.

[Anonymous]

But OPs DW nixed that plan and now he’s mad.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. The long trip op would be making gives him relaxing free time away from his responsibilities. He looks like he's doing something when he actually isnt.

This poster is a horrible husband, son, parent, and sibling. You win op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Except she didn't do those things. She "appeared" to be a shrew because that's how her husband painted her (and because many posters projected a ton of crap onto her). She wouldn't agree to one form of help. Within 24 hours, she had provided advice and agreed to a different form of help. We have only OP's word for it that this was somehow driven by her being "embittered," because his mom provided absolutely no help when she had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, while providing full-time care for his sister's kids. It's just as likely that she said no because it was a stupid and unsustainable plan. OP chucked his wife right under the bus, though, didn't he?

Yes! Op chose to portray his wife that way in an attempt to weasel his way out of his commitment to his parents. The goal was to dump this all in his sister's lap. Luckily, his wife has decided to step up an provide some (minimal) guidance to this family. She isn't as awful as Op was making her out to be. Yay, wife!

That is completely insane and made up. OP said that his sister was willing to do maybe 1 or 2 days a week, and he accepted that and HE wanted to do more. What he wanted was a bunch of people to validate that his wife is unreasonable and heartless and should be willing to sacrifice so he could drive to his mom's house 3x a week. In later posts, it's clear again that he doesn't expect his sister to step up and do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Except she didn't do those things. She "appeared" to be a shrew because that's how her husband painted her (and because many posters projected a ton of crap onto her). She wouldn't agree to one form of help. Within 24 hours, she had provided advice and agreed to a different form of help. We have only OP's word for it that this was somehow driven by her being "embittered," because his mom provided absolutely no help when she had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, while providing full-time care for his sister's kids. It's just as likely that she said no because it was a stupid and unsustainable plan. OP chucked his wife right under the bus, though, didn't he?

Yes! Op chose to portray his wife that way in an attempt to weasel his way out of his commitment to his parents. The goal was to dump this all in his sister's lap. Luckily, his wife has decided to step up an provide some (minimal) guidance to this family. She isn't as awful as Op was making her out to be. Yay, wife!

That is completely insane and made up. OP said that his sister was willing to do maybe 1 or 2 days a week, and he accepted that and HE wanted to do more. What he wanted was a bunch of people to validate that his wife is unreasonable and heartless and should be willing to sacrifice so he could drive to his mom's house 3x a week. In later posts, it's clear again that he doesn't expect his sister to step up and do more.

Ha. Op was basically saying that he wants to help his dad but his evil, meanie, green beanie of a wife won't let him because she thinks that her SIL owes MIL eldercare because MIL babysat SIL's kids some time ago....

Poor Op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Again your wife does everything. You suck. Admit it you're a troll.

Why didn't YOU tell your Dad to do these things? Can't you have a man to man conversation with your father about how to care for your mother? At what age do you think you'll mature enough to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the state medicaid does not pay for in home care. In MD, it does not and only pays for a nursing home and its income qualified. She is right that Dad should consider taking a leave of absence or retiring. Where do you expect your wife to do all this? You are putting it all on her and you need to step up and help. She is working full time and has her own kids. You don't help much it sounds like. They can hire help.

Every state has *some* kind of in home medicaid services for people who would otherwise required nursing home care, it comes under Home and Community Based Services, there are income requirements but spousal impoverishment provisions also apply. Might not apply to the particular situation here (depends on level of care needed as well as income) but as a blanket statement it is not correct.

[Anonymous]

This is very simple.

The op provides care 2.5 days a week (two days one week/3 days the next).

Sister does the same. If she can't/won't, do it in person, then she played someone to do her share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

I’d be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this. Sexism explains the attacks on the wife — but how does sexism explain giving the sister a pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very simple.

The op provides care 2.5 days a week (two days one week/3 days the next).

Sister does the same. If she can't/won't, do it in person, then she played someone to do her share.

Or they each take 2 days and Dad pays for a caregiver to check in on the 5th day. Just until they can find a more permanent solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

I’d be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this. Sexism explains the attacks on the wife — but how does sexism explain giving the sister a pass?

There is absolutely nothing sexist about saying that the wife should not be standing in the way of her husband helping out his own parents. According to Op, the wife was the one insisting that her SIL do ALL of the check ins because her MIL had watched SIL's kids in the past. So if that is true, the wife was the one being sexist - if you believe Op's version of events.