Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents are allowed to spend time with their own grandchildren if that is what they want to do. To bring this all up at a time like this is low life of Op and his wife. And I mean scum of the earth low life trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

You are just ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

You are just ill.

The attitude that Op initially credited his wife with was pretty awful. It sounds as though maybe she isn't nearly as terrible as Op was making her out to be though.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t make you an asshole to not want to kill yourself and jack up your entire life to help someone who couldn’t have lifted a single finger to help you when you really needed it. Chose to spend your time and effort towards your children where it matters most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your sisters husband not being requested to help? They got the free childcare and it’s time to repay the favor. They do 3 days and you do the other two.

OP answered this upthread - the sister's husband is an unstable abusive alcoholic and the sister has left him many times, only to go back.

Well that sucks for the sister but that’s her problem. It’s not the role of the wife to be the savior for everyone because they can’t figure their own shit out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

And what if your family was too self centered to help when your wife needed it. Would you then also agree that they hopefully don't require help at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Your father is alive and healthy, he should work out checking in in his wife. Or pay a neighbor or someone to.

Living offspring could help after the spouse cannot or is gone, or if paid worker can’t make it.

Someone who married in to the family should be last resort, and only if that individual doesnt have dependents or career to manage of their own, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wife is part of the family. if she is too self centered and selfish to help a bit I would hope that at some point she does not require help of some kind similar. ( the relationship would change for sure if she were my wife....)

And what if your family was too self centered to help when your wife needed it. Would you then also agree that they hopefully don't require help at some point.

My own IL's didn't help with childcare and whatnot. That doesn't mean that I get to be a cold heartless biotch if something horrible happens to them. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Your sister or her spouse should work it out with their employers and shift her hours so she can check in on her chronically ill month who saved her $35k*10 years of childcare. Shame on her.

And how dare you try to force this on your wife and have her shaft her job/career or your own kids childcare or home time. How dare you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Your father is alive and healthy, he should work out checking in in his wife. Or pay a neighbor or someone to.

Living offspring could help after the spouse cannot or is gone, or if paid worker can’t make it.

Someone who married in to the family should be last resort, and only if that individual doesnt have dependents or career to manage of their own, etc.

You are clueless and have clearly never been in a situation anything like this. The Op's dad is asking for help right now because what he is dealing with is truly overwhelming.

You learn through doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't see why you guys should be redirecting funds that could go to your own retirement so that your FIL can have a higher pension.

I'm also confused - where do you live? Is there no covid there? If you are going into work and not quaranting, you should not be around your sick and elderly mother. It's better to let her sundown for an hour or so than it is to expose her to covid.

+2 gramps needs to pay. As you say it is only two years and then he’ll be home with a defined benefit plan pension and likely healthcare until he dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

Your sister or her spouse should work it out with their employers and shift her hours so she can check in on her chronically ill month who saved her $35k*10 years of childcare. Shame on her.

And how dare you try to force this on your wife and have her shaft her job/career or your own kids childcare or home time. How dare you OP.

Op should be helping his dad. The former childcare arrangement is irrelevant and it is really in extremely poor form to bring that up at a time like this. It has NOTHING to do with Op. Focus on the task at hand.