Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

What does being Ivy educated have to do with anything in this thread?

Oh it's pretty much never relevant but all the SAHMs who went to Ivies will let you know about it every single time.

Pretty much everyone who went to an Ivy will let you know.

Reasons to mention it:

1) Conveys a certain level of intelligence.
2) Opens doors to significant career opportunities.
3) Goes against the stereotype (frequently mentioned here) that SAHMs lack intelligence and gave up "small" careers. That we are without agency.

Also, to the responder who suggested that I am wasting my education: is the purpose of education simply to pursue a career? That seems awfully simplistic. Is the value measured in wages earned or impact on the world? I would argue that raising my five kids full time has been the best way for me to give back to the world. I am lucky that my husband is a high earner (the benefits of his education, I guess) and am positive that he would not have been able to have had as much success had we been juggling two big careers. And I could never have handed my three month old infants over to strangers. Sorry. But that's the truth.

What a bunch of pretzel logic. Let me translate: I wanted to be with my kids (and have a bunch!) and skip out on having an office job, but I did not want people to look down on me, so I spun a story to justify my preferences and must invoke my Ivy education any chance I get because I am insecure in my choices.

I don’t know why anyone would feel the need to defend their choice to be a SAHM on this site!

And yet some SAHMs are so insecure that they frequently do.

I was being sarcastic. Anytime anyone mentions being a SAHM on here, 72 people come out of the woodwork to attack them.
It’s sort of the opposite of what it was 20 years ago when my kids were babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

What does being Ivy educated have to do with anything in this thread?

Oh it's pretty much never relevant but all the SAHMs who went to Ivies will let you know about it every single time.

Pretty much everyone who went to an Ivy will let you know.

Reasons to mention it:

1) Conveys a certain level of intelligence.
2) Opens doors to significant career opportunities.
3) Goes against the stereotype (frequently mentioned here) that SAHMs lack intelligence and gave up "small" careers. That we are without agency.

Also, to the responder who suggested that I am wasting my education: is the purpose of education simply to pursue a career? That seems awfully simplistic. Is the value measured in wages earned or impact on the world? I would argue that raising my five kids full time has been the best way for me to give back to the world. I am lucky that my husband is a high earner (the benefits of his education, I guess) and am positive that he would not have been able to have had as much success had we been juggling two big careers. And I could never have handed my three month old infants over to strangers. Sorry. But that's the truth.

Two people in my family that went to Ivies are not smart and have pretty f'd up lives. One is in never ending divorce/ex drama, the other has very low paying service job and is on drugs. Another person I know is well know surgeon, but has too many skeletons in their closet to live a great life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

What does being Ivy educated have to do with anything in this thread?

Oh it's pretty much never relevant but all the SAHMs who went to Ivies will let you know about it every single time.

Pretty much everyone who went to an Ivy will let you know.

Reasons to mention it:

1) Conveys a certain level of intelligence.
2) Opens doors to significant career opportunities.
3) Goes against the stereotype (frequently mentioned here) that SAHMs lack intelligence and gave up "small" careers. That we are without agency.

Also, to the responder who suggested that I am wasting my education: is the purpose of education simply to pursue a career? That seems awfully simplistic. Is the value measured in wages earned or impact on the world? I would argue that raising my five kids full time has been the best way for me to give back to the world. I am lucky that my husband is a high earner (the benefits of his education, I guess) and am positive that he would not have been able to have had as much success had we been juggling two big careers. And I could never have handed my three month old infants over to strangers. Sorry. But that's the truth.

Two people in my family that went to Ivies are not smart and have pretty f'd up lives. One is in never ending divorce/ex drama, the other has very low paying service job and is on drugs. Another person I know is well know surgeon, but has too many skeletons in their closet to live a great life.

Any ivy alum who thinks that an Ivy League degree means anytime of intelligence, success, etc doesn’t keep in good touch with their fellow alumni.

[Anonymous]

The opposite situation happened to me. Within a few months of dating DH, I told him I wanted to stop working at age 35. DH assured me it would be fine with him for me to be a SAHM. Then, when the time came and 2 kids later, he did not want me to quit my job. He now wants me to keep working until 65.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The opposite situation happened to me. Within a few months of dating DH, I told him I wanted to stop working at age 35. DH assured me it would be fine with him for me to be a SAHM. Then, when the time came and 2 kids later, he did not want me to quit my job. He now wants me to keep working until 65.

Until you have finished savint for retirement, why shouldn’t you work once your children are out of the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The opposite situation happened to me. Within a few months of dating DH, I told him I wanted to stop working at age 35. DH assured me it would be fine with him for me to be a SAHM. Then, when the time came and 2 kids later, he did not want me to quit my job. He now wants me to keep working until 65.

Ewww.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The opposite situation happened to me. Within a few months of dating DH, I told him I wanted to stop working at age 35. DH assured me it would be fine with him for me to be a SAHM. Then, when the time came and 2 kids later, he did not want me to quit my job. He now wants me to keep working until 65.

Until you have finished savint for retirement, why shouldn’t you work once your children are out of the house?

PP here. I did finish saving for a frugal retirement for myself by that age, where I could live on $40k a year in a studio apartment. DH does not want a frugal or early retirement.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

[Anonymous]

Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.

......

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

No, there is no guarantee that OP will find the right person who wants the same lifestyle. All the advice given by people who have not dated and looked for a job in the past 2 years should be taken with a huge grain of salt. Millennials have the lowest age-adjusted marriage rates than all previous generations. Young men barely want to pay for dinner anymore, much less financially support an entire family.

[Anonymous]

I found my guy. We both had shared values of being more frugal despite having big careers. We continued to live frugally while dating and marriage before kids. And when the kids came along, it was easy to transition to one income and still maintain our lifestyle because we were living on one income anyway.

OP, the man you are looking for is out there. He just may not be as flashy as the guy who wines and dines you while dating. You will need to carefully observe and listen to the things he says and how he lives his life, and what he values. A flashy man may be exciting to date but if he lives beyond his means, he will most likely not be the one who wants a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The opposite situation happened to me. Within a few months of dating DH, I told him I wanted to stop working at age 35. DH assured me it would be fine with him for me to be a SAHM. Then, when the time came and 2 kids later, he did not want me to quit my job. He now wants me to keep working until 65.

Until you have finished savint for retirement, why shouldn’t you work once your children are out of the house?

PP here. I did finish saving for a frugal retirement for myself by that age, where I could live on $40k a year in a studio apartment. DH does not want a frugal or early retirement.

Your retirement plan is to live on 40k/year starting at age 35?

Yeah I'm with the husband here. There's absolutely no way that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

Good one. Start off your marriage with a lie. Sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Journalism didn't define purpose for Hunter S Thompson? Physics and educating didn't define purpose for Richard Feynman? You looked at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and thought to yourself "No purpose of value here, just a way to pay the bills."

Your acquaintances volunteering themselves for purpose-less jobs isn't a universal definition of 'work'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Journalism didn't define purpose for Hunter S Thompson? Physics and educating didn't define purpose for Richard Feynman? You looked at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and thought to yourself "No purpose of value here, just a way to pay the bills."

Your acquaintances volunteering themselves for purpose-less jobs isn't a universal definition of 'work'.

+1. That seemed like a weird comment to make following the one about SAHM married to a surgeon. I think both of them are defined by their work.